Not Barbie, Not Married to Ken...

But Something Much Better: ME

It was something Monique Marvez, author of Not Skinny, Not Blonde, said that got me going on this Not Barbie: Not Married to Ken kick.

It was so true. Just like Monique, I always wanted to be skinny. I always wanted to be blonde.

The real truth: I always wanted to be Barbie! Barbie had it all. She was beautiful, skinny, blonde and rich. She had a great house, great clothes, great car and always attended fabulous parties—at the beach, at the hotel.

And I’m sure I’m not the ONLY girl who had this dream.

But even better…Barbie had Ken. Ken. Ken the most handsome doll in all the land. I can’t tell you how many times Ken and I walked down the aisle in my imagination. I spent hours envisioning life with a perfect husband like Ken. There had to be a picket fence and 2.5 kids somewhere in that picture.

And then it happened. Being Barbie and Ken didn’t seem idyllic anymore. Barbie and Ken broke up. The break-up happened right before Valentine’s Day (can you imagine) in 2004. Supposedly Barbie—the most admired doll in the world—did the dumping (at least according to the AP wire). The two had been a pair for 43 years and without warning they were kaput, splitsville, finished.

A Mattel spokesperson told reporters, “They had grown apart." "Needed some time alone." "Were going their separate ways." "They would remain friends."

I couldn’t believe the news. Barbie. Ken. The end. But those two had ridden off into the sunset in their pink convertible. Not Barbie and Ken. No.

To make matters worse within a few months Barbie hooked up with a boy-toy surfer dude named Blaine.

I’m not sure who started the gay rumor. Poor Ken.

But reportedly, Ken took it like a doll—er man.

Instead of lashing out or seeking revenge, he sought to improve himself.

In 2006 (again I totally missed this announcement) the new Ken stepped out at a Manhattan news conference. The AP wire buzzed again, “The new and improved Ken sported a more rugged jaw line, wore cargo pants and listened to Norah Jones.”

Some reporter mentioned Barbie’s ex now rode a motorcycle while another claimed that Ken “dabbles in Buddhism.” Yet another reporter told her viewers the doll had taken cooking lessons and might help in the kitchen. But there was more. Ken, no longer content with being perfect, regularly worked out. Ken Doll returned to the scene buffed. Ken was now toting a six-pack.

Yet Barbie still hasn’t taken him back. She even tweated about it. “For the hundredth time, I promise I'm not with Ken! I'm very much single and actually talking to a new boy right now...”

What appeared to be a match made in heaven—two perfect people living two perfect lives—is all pretend. Finally I have seen the light.

Forget it Barbie. You may be beautiful, skinny, blonde and rich, but now I see who you really are—fake, fickle and hungry. No thank you. And Ken, sweet adorable Ken. I no longer pine for you, for what women in her right mind wants to be with a doll more beautiful than she? Oh yes. I now regularly shout my new mantra, “I am not Barbie and not married to Ken.”

Allyn Evans
Email me!
www.liveapowerfullife.com

I decided to re-publish one of my favorites. Enjoy.

Hocus Pocus. Abracadabra. Remind you a little of Practical Magic? Witchcraft. Trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Forgive the drama, but unfortunately it’s true. Spells exist. Big spells. Little spells. We live in a world where spells are cast and someone falls prey.

You are probably right now under the influence of more than one spell.

Take a breath—it’s not life threatening. But it is serious. According to Caroline Myss a spell is a mental lock-in. She explained to her Hay House radio listening audience: “What if someone says, ‘You look terrible today?’ You accept the spell. Voilà. You feel terrible all day.”

Mrs. Middleton taught me speech and typing in high school. One day I wore a black t-shirt with jeans to school. She pulled me aside. “Allyn, I must tell you. You look sick when you wear black. Never wear black near your face.” Do I wear black against my face now? Do I have to tell you the answer to that question?

A spell is like a superstition:
“I can’t lose weight.”
“I can’t succeed.”
“I’m stupid.”

Here’s the deal. You have locked into a false belief. FALSE. A superstition. Did a black cat just walk underneath the ladder? Did you break a mirror? You now have seven years of bad luck.

I cringed as I listened to Caroline. Thinking I don’t look good in black. Spell. Believing women over 40 can’t lose weight. Spell.

Here’s what is not a spell: I am five feet, three inches tall. Here’s another … I was born in New Orleans.

Spellcasters don’t have to be witches either. It can be Ms. Middleton, my well-intentioned high school teacher, who was only trying to help. It can be your mom. Your best friend. Your spouse. Spellcasters can have your best interest at heart. Really. Or so they think.

Recently my husband and I attended a school event. We ate lunch with our daughter. Her friend’s parents couldn’t come, and we invited the child to join us. We laughed. Joked. Then it was time to leave.

Later that evening my daughter reported, “Sylvia told me some things about you.” “What?” I asked. You know about curiosity and the cat.

“She said dad is bald and you are a little wide in the hips.” Ouch. Cats are part of spell casting magic. And to think I had been feeling pretty good about my appearance. As much as I tried not to let them, the spell of a nine-year-old girl’s words stung. A child speaks, and I ask, “Are my hips that wide?”

The reality is…spells are cast all the time. Ricocheting from parents, friends, teachers, magazines, movies, commercials, the culture itself—you know, groupthink—and most of us are immediately spellbound.



Hollywood casts spells. TV casts spells. Fashion casts spells. Let’s talk about the popular TV reality show What Not To Wear. Hosts Jillian Hamilton and Clinton Kelly grab unsuspecting victims turned in by friends or family who are only trying to help. Jillian and Clinton give it to them about their lack of fashion sense.

And Jillian and Clinton are NOT nice. They put Little Janie in a room with surround mirrors. Talk about my worst nightmare. They have Little Janie try on her awful clothes and tell her why she looks so terrible. They then send spellstung Little Janie off with $5,000 to get her new look.

When she returns, Janie is told why everything she selected using their rules and expert advice works for her. “See Janie. The flared leg is so much more slimming.” Little Janie, who is now smiling and so pleased with her self, nods in agreement. “Remember those slim cut jeans you used to own. You know the ones we threw in the trash? They made you look 10 pounds heavier.”

Scriiiiitch. Slim cut jeans are back! What does Little Janie do now? Little Janie looks fat in slim cut jeans. The spell has been cast. And the spell has been accepted. How can Janie believe anything else? The famous TV Fashion People told her she looked fat in slim cut jeans.

Even though I don’t know a spell to counter a spell, I do know a place to begin—a way to stop at least one spell. It’s black-t-shirt-buying time. That’s what time it is. And after that it’s time to wear my black t-shirt. And you know what? I’m going to look damn good in it too. Poof. Spell be gone.

Allyn Evans
www.liveapowerfullive.com
www.allynevans.com

Recently, I have been teaching teens and young adults how to be assertive and manage conflict in their lives.

As I am repeating the lessons, I am also reminding myself to use clear and direct communication with others.

For years, I didn’t do this. I found more comfort using a passive aggressive route, which meant if I wasn’t getting my needs or wants met, I’d find more manipulative ways to do so. Or even worse, I wouldn’t tell anyone and wouldn’t make any attempt—manipulative or not—to get my needs or wants met.

Now, when I realize it’s time to voice something, I find it much easier to do. I’m sure being older and more experienced helps.

As I told the over thirty students I visited with this past week: “Don’t wait to become assertive. Don’t wait to start communicating in a clear and direct manner. Start now. Take small steps. Begin now to build your assertiveness muscle.”

Tell the young people in your life this message. It will save them lots of heartache and pain.

http://www.allynevans.com/
Email me!

My Favorite Dress

“Homer, I was born for this."

In the movie October Sky when Homer expresses a desire to do something else, his Dad discourages him.

He then says, “It shouldn’t surprise you that you were born for it too.”

As the scene unfolded, Homer returned to his job at the coal mine. With his face covered in black soot, the son joined the other lifers in the elevator as they headed to work.

As I continued watching a replaying of October Sky, the story made me think about my own life.

No, I never ended up shoveling coal, but I listened to all the opinions of others about my life and how I should live it. So caught up in what others believed, I ignored my own desires and intuition—my own guidance system…my own feelings. I grew into an unsure adolescent taking my clues about how I should behave from others. Without a clear direction of my own, I lost myself.

In October Sky, Homer lost his way too. The analytical, scientific-minded son was different from his family. Homer didn’t quite fit.

Turns out, I didn’t fit either. I changed myself to fit the pre-cut pattern—the one purchased for me at the fabric store before I was born.

The pattern was perfect. The pieces were carefully sewn.

And then I was asked to wear it—a pastel dress with pink flowers and lace collar.

But, I yearned for a different dress, one made out of velvet and covered in dark, vibrant purples, gold and black hues.

Turns out, I ended up wearing the pastel dress for most of my life. By the time I gave myself permission to wear the dress I desired, it no longer fit.

My five-year-old self recognized a problem. At least my subconscious mind did and tried to warn me in my dreams. Nightly, my reoccurring nightmare frightened me. Walking down a narrow shrinking hallway, I found myself trapped. At the end of the hall I discovered a locked door. Banging frantically on the door, I screamed: “Let me out! Please, let me out.”

The dream told the story. With each passing day I would shrink becoming less of the person I was destined to be. Locked out, I would remain small, contained and not myself. With each step, I hid the shadow parts and became someone that I was not.

For survival purposes, those parts had to disappear. It was more important to be a good little girl than to be myself.

And, who I was, by my very nature and the place I found myself, wasn’t quite right. My parents, family and friends were victims too. They all bought into the cultural belief that I had to be trained in order to fit, just as they themselves had been trained.

I remember several years ago watching the latest winner of American Idol sing on the Ellen DeGeneris Show. Fantasia Barrino, a talented performer and singer, shared her self doubts. During her appearance on the show, Fantasia shared, “I’m happy that people like me being me!” And, that’s when I finally got it. The most important thing for us to do is to be ourselves while having the courage to live an authentic life. That’s the key that unravels everything—peace, joy, abundance, health.

With each passing year, I have moved towards myself.

Sappy movies always have a happy ending and the one featuring Homer was no different. The young man held on to his beliefs and took a stand.

Homer eventually said to his Dad, “The coal mine is your life. It’s not mine.”

And so now I, too, know the truth. My favorite dress will be made of velvet--with beautiful hues of purple and gold. I’ve been making it for a long time now. It’s almost ready to be worn.

May you find joy, peace and prosperity in 2010.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
email me!

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Following Your Heart

In my latest book for mothers of tweens, Helping Our Daughters Live Powerful Lives, I take a lesson from the movie Ice Princess. Joan Carlyle, based on her own experiences, believes she knows what’s best for her daughter, Casey.

As an academician Joan has always pushed Casey in a similar direction. In the beginning her daughter plays along.

Near the end of the movie Casey tells a Harvard interviewer she must chase another dream.

Finally Casey realizes it is her heart that must decide what to do with her life...not her mom. She withdraws her name from consideration and has to break the bad news to her mother. Her mother doesn't take the news well.

They had worked so hard on this dream.

Harvard is it. Harvard is Casey’s ticket to her future. Casey, though, has a different dream. Casey is an ice skater.

“Casey, you can’t do this,” her mom says. “You are giving up on your dream.”

“No mom,” Casey says, “I’m giving up on yours.”

In a Judging Amy TV episode, Judge Amy is upset with Lauren, her pre-teen daughter. Lauren wants to try out for the cheerleading team. Judge Amy is dead set against it.

She says no, and gives no good reason for her decision.

She seems harsh and uncaring.

As I watched, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. Later we find out Judge Amy had not made her squad and felt rejected by her cheerleading peers.

To Judge Amy, cheerleaders were snobby and cruel. She wants to protect Lauren from a similar scenario. Lauren’s experience is different. To her, the cheerleaders are friendly and accepting.

It’s hard for others to not let their own hurts and pains color their recommendations and decisions. The bottom line is there are many, many people with many, many opinions, ideas, suggestions, laws and recommendations about how we should behave or act. No one else on the face of this planet—not even loved ones with best intentions—can take into consideration all the factors of a person striving to make decisions and to reach personal goals.

When we attempt to listen to well-meaning authority or support figures in our lives, we tend to get lost. What they might perceive as a “safe” bet, like Joan Carlyle, might be anything but for us.

As I tell my workshop participants, “You are the one that has to wake up to your life everyday.”

Something else I like to include and I'm paraphrasing the words of Caroline Myss. "Take the riskiest path you can find; the safest path is an illusion."

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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A Box Too Small

Over the last few weeks, I have been editing my first book. Yes, the book is getting a face lift! And hopefully will come out error free. Well...at least we'll make a really good go at it.

Below is an excerpt that is in keeping with our current theme.

I wanted to share with you because I thought it might be helpful for those of you still struggling with the "next" step.

Dream Excerpted from My Journal

As I was finishing up the duties assigned to me in my old life, I had a very revealing dream. A former boss opened his office door and asked me to look at the small box in the corner.

His office was completely empty except for this box that resembled a standard mailbox. He said, “Allyn, I want you to fit yourself in that box while I’m gone.” I agreed and said that I would do it for him. He closed the door and left.

I tried for a long time to fit myself in that small box but couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried the box just wasn’t big enough.

Marsha Sinetar, well-known career consultant and author once said, “Maybe this narrowing of life—the eroding of interests and hope—could be likened to being cooped up in a room that’s too small…The only thing that’s stopping you is you.”

How true both her thoughts and my dream turned out to be. My final breaking point was at the pinnacle of my professional life. Three months after being named in the "dream job" position, I declared, “No more!”

The pay was fabulous and the position was definitely good for my ego, but the job was choking the life right out of me. Adding to the pressure, I now had a two-year-old daughter that I suddenly had no energy to care for. It was all too much and with deep regret, I realized I had just eaten the wrong carrot.

The journey to finding what I was really looking for wasn’t over yet, but I was sure the heavens rejoiced—I finally got some of the message. Immediately I took back a part-time job I had at the college while I regrouped and rested.

Within fourteen months, I had started a home-based business and was making almost as much as I had made with my former job minus headaches, stress and fatigue. The business, a résumé writing and career consulting startup, was a perfect match.

I knew everything about preparing marketing materials, interviewing and convincing an employer to hire me. My knowledge came from my own experiences, numerous interviews and books. I emerged from all those seemingly dead-end paths as a career consultant. I had a tried and proven means to make money that was very practical and inexpensive to launch.

Besides that, I enjoyed the work and relished the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter.
After two years, though, the thought of writing another résumé from scratch was nauseating. To change things up a little, I added grant writing—finding a fairly easy way to add more money to my bottom line. That decision prolonged my home-based business for another six months, but by the time my daughter was scheduled to go to school full-time, I knew I had to change things.

Not interested in returning to a traditional job or a boss, I sought consulting jobs—short-term contracts and commitments.

As luck would have it, a nonprofit company needed an Interim Executive Director to fill in for nine months. I had the skills and was hired.

A deal was quickly sealed. The contract was part-time, but still provided the share that I needed to contribute to the family income. With income covered, I dropped all my other contracts with résumé and grant writers. I focused on myself. Finally, I was ready to follow my heart. But first, I had to figure out what my heart wanted.

It's my hope that you too can find a way to listen to your heart. Next post, I'll give suggestions on how to do just that.

Allyn Evans
email me!

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Escaping the Fog of Confusion

There’s a book I read a couple of years back by Maria Nemeth titled Mastering Life's Energies. (Incase you are wondering, I am not affiliated with Maria's program.) And it’s also a book I recently sent to a friend who is struggling with the “what now” question. My friend is not happy at work and knows there is something more she is to be doing.

While reading one of her emails, I remembered the book and how it helped me. Then I mailed it to her.

And then as is typical for me, I accidentally ran across an article I wrote for subscribers to my Queen-zine two years ago. I want to share that article with you today.

In 2007, I wrote…

In the book Maria asks us, “Are you willing to live your life with clarity, focus, ease and grace?” Do I see a showing of hands? My hand is up. Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s my plan. For the most part, since writing my first book, I have created an easy life for myself.

Check off ease. But what about the other three?

Let’s take clarity—something I haven’t had for about nine months. Actually, I relate the “derailing” to my juror experience. Let's just say, the experience was NOT a good one. If you are curious, click here:
This turned into an Amazon Short article. It costs .49 to purchase and read.

That’s when the fog rolled in. Living in fog made me do some bad things (got to blame something or somebody besides me, right?). Being confused meant I made commitments I couldn’t keep. I found myself doing something I rarely did in the past. I broke promises. More times than not, what I thought was a new direction was a step off course. I corrected and adjusted, saying I'm sorry as I plodded along, but still I couldn’t ‘see’. Maria calls it “driving in the fog”.

I continued on anyway trusting something that Maria also says, “When you see clearly what is before you, you will know in your heart what to do.”

But first, I stopped making promises. Obviously, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make commitments. When you are “driving in fog,” you can be misled by invitations that seem exciting, lucrative or safe simply because when fog sets in your intuitive abilities usually diminish. You go after things for “obvious” reasons and use logic to explain why you are doing something.

Using this method gets you to do crazy things like: fall for the “get-rich-quick” scheme, “take-the-full-time-position-because-at-least-you’ll-have-money-even-if-you-hate-it” job, or “you-are-crazy-not-to-do-this-because-you-will-miss-out-on-the-gravy-train” opportunity. While “driving in fog” you are more likely to make bad choices. Period. The End. If you are “driving in fog”, it’s time to cease and desist embarking on new endeavors until clarity returns.

How do you solve the “not-seeing-clearly” problem? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask. :) It took me months to overcome the recent storm. But this storm was different. This time I was not tortured by my old fears of the past like:

1. Can I make or create something?
2. What am I supposed to do with my life?
3. How will I earn enough to eat?

Those are issues, I have mastered and overcome. If you are still hanging around in that territory, it’s okay. You can learn to overcome too. Read books! That’s how I absorbed most of my information. I have a recommended reading list. http://allynevans.blogspot.com/2006/11/about-me.html

If you don't want to buy any of the books, that's okay. Ask your librarian to order them (if they are not in stock at your library). This way others will benefit too and it doesn't cost you a dime.

But I disgress...

Let's return to the original question. How do you resolve the "not-seeing-clearly" problem?

Easier said than done. For most of us, it's about waiting. I usually chalk fog experiences up to bad timing or the need to wait. It can also be caused by not having all the facts or because you are not sure how you feel about something. Basically, you are in a holding pattern as you wait for all the pieces to come together.

So what are you to do? Besides waiting, you spend time contemplating and dreaming. You pay attention to everything that is around you, including your nightly messengers (dreams). And you keep waiting.

BACK TO THE STORY…

Just like most people, I felt frustrated by my lack of clarity. I knew eventually the fog would lift. It always does. But I also realized moving forward wasn't the right move. So, what did I do while waiting? I focused on “present moment” living. And in my spare time I read books. I searched for answers and teachers.

And one day the fog lifted. The day was September 21, 2007.

NEXT TIME…I’ll give you an update on 2009.

P.S. If you want to check out my Amazon Short about my juror experience—you know the experience that kicked off the downward spiral—feel free to do so. They cost 49 cents. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the stories by other Amazon Short authors. It’s a wide offering of fiction and nonfiction. Plus you can’t beat the price!

Here’s the link, if you are interested. I’ve been told by reviewers that it is also a good lesson for parents and children.

Allyn Evans

www.allynevans.com

Women's Voices Revisited

I am revamping my first book. Yes, it's getting a new title and face lift. I am excited about it and will share the new cover with you here, once I get the final draft.

While going through this process, I am taking time to re-read the book. I want to find those errors and typos that got by us during the first publishing attempts.

Doing this brings me back into the material and the voices of the women who talked to me and others about their lives.

Here are some of their words (some in the book and some not).

"I can remember being nice was a goal of mine. I would write it down on my list. 'Be nice!' How many boys would have that as their goal?" (laughs) Kathleen, 35 years old.

"My mother started telling me when I was little . . . Don’t let anyone cause you to try to be somebody else.” Christine, 91 years old

“My aunt was my role model. She had no children, when I visited her, I was the Queen. At my home, we had nine children and my mother always had a baby on her hip. Aunt Dorothy would take me to guitar lessons, water ballet lessons, made doll clothes for my dolls. I was the Queen Bee.” Vicki, 59 years old

"I would pick my battles differently. I would be a little bit different there. I wouldn’t care whether my daughter wore pink shoes with a blue dress. Whereas I did at the time." Kitty, 60-something year old

"I’m not going to be like my mother. That ended up being twenty years of hell—trying NOT to be like my mother." Margaret, 55 years old

One interview was most meaningful to me. The woman, who has since passed away, had ovarian cancer. She was most reflective. I included a few of her answers below.

She told me "There was always this expectation that you grow up and get married. A lot of women didn’t see that there were choices."

She told me that as she played the wife of role and mother she felt misplaced. "I felt like there was somewhere else I was suppose to be. Something else I was supposed to be doing. I was intellectually and emotionally stifled. I didn’t feel like I was a contributing member to the human race. I always felt like I needed that and that I wanted to keep learning."

She also confessed, "I had to suppress the real me."

I asked her what advice she had for mothers of daughters.
"I think if I had to do it over it again, I think I would have encouraged my daughter in different ways. I would have honored her strenghts to help her find her way. Personally, I was never encouraged in any direction in one way or another. Neither was I discouraged. No one ever said to me, 'Okay, you have a good way with words…you should consider writing for the newspaper, enter a writing contest.' Nothing was ever encouraged that way. It was like having tunnel vision growing up. There were no forks in the road."

And now I will return to one of my favorite quotations and one that ended the book.

When asked if she had anything else to say, an 80+ year old woman responded, "I done said enough." Well, me too!

Till next time...

Allyn Evans

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My Momma Done Told Me

When I wrote my first book, we ended up with lots of quotations that were not used. My editor put them all together on one page and we ended up including them in the book. She titled it:

My Momma Done Told Me. No, these weren't things my mother told me. Although some of the sayings were heard by many of us as we grew up. Primarily, these are things the women interviewed were told by their caregivers and also some of their random thoughts about life in general.


Behave yourself and remember whom you belong to. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Birds of a feather flock together.


People judge you by the company you keep. What will the neighbors think? Good girls don’t talk like that.


No time to do it right, just time to do it over. It’s the poor dryer that can’t help the washer. Shut the door. Were you raised in a barn?


Spare the rod; spoil the child. Children should be seen and not heard. If I told you once, then I’ve told you a thousand times.


I’d be thinner and a little shorter. When it mattered, I wanted to be thinner. I’d change the sagging of my body that is happening as I’m getting older. I’d change my feet. I hate my toes. I would have fuller lips and thicker eyelashes.


I’d be like Ruth Lovely—she’s as good as she is beautiful. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m quite satisfied with what God gave me.


Yep, I have a regret! I regret that I married the wrong person. I have some regrets. It’s hard to say that things didn’t turn out like I planned because I never had any definite plans for my life. I always wanted to be married, have children and a home.


I had to wear dresses and ruffled socks and ruffled underwear. I wore Mary Jane’s, a hand-smocked pinafore and a bow in my hair. My cousins wore little suits. We looked like dolls . . . they looked like grownups.


No, my mother didn’t make a difference. She told us she was an equal opportunity ass whooper. She’d whip us all. They treated us equally. My mother and father dealt with us the same.


He always got off lighter and had more freedom. I felt stifled in that way. I can’t say there was a difference in the way we were disciplined. The Queen says the things we wish we could!


Why dogs are men’s best friends? I’m a girl and Snow is my best friend!


My goodness, what will they think? How will it make your family look? What about your reputation?


My dad's mother used sickness a lot when she was raising a family of six kids. Her's was "bed" rest though. She'd say she was "sick" and go to bed for a day or two. I'm sure others coped this way.


If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Can’t tell you how many times I was pinched or jabbed in the thigh with a hatpin for messing up that one! I think that children should be seen not heard so much.


They weren’t heard as much in my day and time. We were told to leave when adults had company. The grown ups would get the bigger pieces of chicken and the children would take what was left over.


We played domestic games, so the fact that I couldn’t wear shorts or pants didn’t hinder my play. The girls had to do the inside chores like laundry, cooking and housecleaning. The boys did anything outside the house such as yard work. But, we all worked in the fields—chopping and picking cotton.


We did the inside chores. My brother’s job was to take out the trash. He only had to do one job—take out the trash. I was encouraged to spend time in the kitchen, but I really didn’t like it. I knew how to clean up real well. I sure didn’t care about doing that on a regular basis.


We all had to share in the household chores before we could go outside and play. When my little brother got older, though, he was only required to take out the garbage.


Yes, I try to avoid conflict. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I always worry that I’m going to offend someone or step on somebody’s toes. And, it’s hard for me to realize I can’t make everyone happy.


And finally, more than one person told me the following...some used different words, but the point was made repeatedly: "I had to suppress the real me."

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
www.thealertparent.com

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Dare to Accept Change

I love this quotation. Unfortunately, I don't know who to give credit to for it. "We can't change what happened, but we can change what is happening now."

Okay. So things aren't going quite like you planned. Maybe you're a little frustrated. Or sad. Maybe you are mad as hell. Doesn't matter. Your emotions—you know how you feel about it—are your first clue.

So now...here's where you pull up your bootstraps and take stock. Not too long ago I read something Bob Monroe wrote about taking stock. I liked the exercise and want to share with you.

He said, "The major underlying cause of human worry relates to the Law of Change....Some worry that change will take place, others that it will not." Think about where you fit. He also reminded us to understand there are things we tend to worry about that are simply out of our control. For example, we can't change the weather no matter how badly we want to have our pic-nic. You cannot control the stockmarket or how someone will react to you or a situation.

To move away from a state of worry or angst consider the following exercise (also attributed to Monroe).

Reality Check:

Make up a list (called list A). Place on this list all your worries and concerns you can't fix, control or change. On this list place all the things you cannot control.

Make up a list (called list B). Place on this list all your worries and concerns that you can do something today.

Make up a list (called list C). Place on this list all your needs, hopes and desires whether large or small, which have yet to be fulfilled.

Now...

Take List A and throw it away. Allow the destroying of this list to be permission to yourself to let go of the worries and concerns you have included.

Take List B and take action today to eleviate some of your stress. Pay attention and do something about at least one issue listed. Simply by acknowledging and making decisions about actions to take, you are making your load lighter.

Take List C and target at least one item to address, whether large or small, that moves you in the direction of your goals and aspirations.

Continue this process until you have no List A, no List B and all of your energy can be focused on List C.

The above is a rather simplistic way to explain. And of course, new things will appear in your life that will need to be added to either List A or B. But if you continue to work the lists and rid yourself of the things that don't serve you and to make decisions about how to handle others, you will find yourself in a much better place...promise.

Here's another exercise you might find useful.

Examine What's Stopping You and What's Pulling At You:

I am afraid of ...
Before I did something about it I had to include things like speaking in public, asking people for favors or asking people to help me or telling people I wanted something from them (like a job or contract work).

I owe _____ money ...
Many do. If you are one of those folks who is feeling squeezed right now, then face it. Put it on paper. Make a plan. Call your creditors and establish payments. Seek advice.

Some other questions to consider—

I feel ...

I want ...

I need ...

I am ...

I weigh ...

Add any other statement you need to wrap up your reality check.

Now that you have a good idea of where you are. Consider what you want to change. Take steps to begin changing it...immediately. Don't think you have to take on each issue at the same time. Pick one to three that are most pressing and start from there. While you do this relax about the rest of it and don't get bogged down in the "how". But most importantly, don't worry too much about the outcome. In time, as you make changes, you WILL find yourself in a different place, which will also need to be evaluated.

Have you ever heard the ship metaphor? Think of it like being the captain of a ship. The compass (okay, it's much more sophisticated than that now, but go with me here) is there to help you stay on course. When you've strayed a little off course (which you always will d0) the compass gives you feedback.

A captain will keep adjusting her course to get to her destination. Consider the feedback you get from your emotions as well as the feedback you get when you evaluate the plans/goals you have made as course adjustments.

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever."

—Kerri Russell

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

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What's Stopping You?

Maybe a little self-sabotage. A few years back, I started asking myself why I seemed to always get in my own way.

The other day, I found a journal entry I wrote some years ago and thought it might benefit some of you out there struggling with the same issues and questions.

Entry: December 2006

I have finally figured out why I continue to sabotage myself. It hit me in a series of epiphanies over the weekend and even spilled into a Monday.

About three years ago, I was given a blessing. I figured out, after much self-study, what I needed to be doing on this earth. I gained insight. You’d think after finally figuring out what I am here to do that I would be elated and find contentment and joy. Instead I found an entirely new way to torture myself. Everything I had done and experienced seemed to meet and finally a direction was mapped out for me to follow. I knew that I was going to research and write a book
about women, specifically women in the south.

I started immediately on my project only to be thwarted at each turn. It was so frustrating that a year after my discovery I was actually no closer to my goal than when I started. I told myself that it just wasn’t the right time and that things would work according to a bigger plan, but I wasn’t really convincing myself. Actually, I was mad.

I was mad that I didn’t have more money. I was mad that I had to continue to hold a job I no longer enjoyed. I was mad that this job interferred with my ability to write. I was still in the same place with the same troubles and well, it just pissed me off. I would watch my cherished weekend pass me by only to be faced with a blue Monday and a list of things to do. Things to do that I had no interest in doing.

Someone finally confronted me and asked me what was going on in my life...They were concerned and sensed that I was running off course. Initially, I didn’t get it. “Everything is fine,” I commented. I was even a little perturbed by the question. What did they mean asking me how I was? I was perfect, thank you. But, I wasn’t and their concern started me on a completely different path. The path I am on today, actually.

Fast Forward...back to 2009

As I looked back on that time in my life, I know that I continually got in my own way. My anger and lack of focus, primarily, thwarted by abilities to move forward. I created my own obstacles. Yes, everyone of them were self-made. And on top of that my delayed reaction to finally coming to grips with what I was here to do caused me more pain and confusion—every bit of my angst was self imposed.

Very recently, I was talking to a friend. She ranted about all the problems in her life and provided reasons she had for doing certain activities. She also talked about how all these activities inferred with her ability to move forward. We continued to talk and then finally she had a revelation. The revelation was that all her anxiety and worries were self imposed. She had created made-up deadlines to get projects and tasks completed and the stress of it all had her in a tizzy. Not only that, but the deadlines and long list of things-to-do meant she was detracted from her primary goals and aspirations. Soon after she "got it," she set her priorities straight, pledged to move away from unintentional self-sabotage and found more opportunities for herself . I am sure, she'd report that she is finally moving in a forward direction again without the tizzies.

Today, I am hoping that if you identify with what is written here, that you will take some time to evaluate where you are and where you'd like to be. I also hope you will think about how you are stopping yourself. And if you feel unprepared to "name" your direction or goals, then take a little longer to figure it out and then to create a plan of action so that you can focus.

In later posts (coming soon), we will revisit something I have written tons about and that is figuring out what to do with yourself (if you don't know). Also, we'll talk about how to untangle yourself from over-commitment (another self-sabotaging tactic) and much, much more.

Happy March! We had snow today. Ready for summer! :)

Allyn Evans
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Pursue your Childhood Dreams

I couldn't resist including this article (with her permission, of course) by Christine Louise Hohlbaum published in her ezine: Powerful Families, Powerful Lives. Keep reading, you'll see why....

"What Dreams May Come (True)"

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I don't think she was talking about cleaning out the shower drain when she said that. She was an advocate of character-building, a notable force at a time when women's rights were not what they are today.

Periodically, I measure my children's risk tolerance by asking them a simple question. "What scares you?" I typically get an answer about the boogie man who lurks in the dark or that German test coming up in school. But the other day, my affable nine-year-old daughter revealed an inner fear that surprised me. "I am afraid someone will get mad at me."

She'd rather do a ring-and-run by leaving a note of apology on her friend's front step than face the person head on. Her fear of rejection, a normal state of human experience, has come to pass.
Dreams can offset fears so, without trying to force my adult understanding of dreams on my kids, I also ask them what they would like to be when they grow up.

At present, my seven-year-old son would like to be a Judo master and a filmmaker. My daughter remains constant in her wish to be a riding instructor. They are too busy living their childhood to know they are also forming their dreams, the foundation on which the rest of their lives will be built.

Childhood dreams are the house where our souls reside. It is where we live in fearless possibility. It is sad to see paralyzing fear take over my kids, but it is also a necessary process for them to know what the opposite of fearless is. At age nine it never occured to me that I could fail, yet I see in my own daughter the belief that it might actually happen. I periodically get furious with the German school system that points out mistakes more than it celebrates what's right. At every opportunity I try to ask her "What was right about your day?"

What would our world be like if we looked towards the wins and used failure as a mere tool for course correction? What dreams may come true when we move out of burdensome fear and into the sparkling light of weightless courage?

Recently, I placed my hand into the grab bag of my dreams and pulled out "become an actor". At nearly 40, I giggled at the thought, then applied for the casting agency anyway. I promptly got two TV jobs in one week. It took a baby step to create a miracle. It wasn't hard, and it got me to thinking what other dreams I could fulfill.

What are your childhood dreams? Are you living them?

Do one thing that scares you today. It will broaden the circumference of your comfort zone just a little while creating another layer of miracles across the world. Your human potential is limitless. Reach for the stars, then tell us what happened! We'll be celebrating right there with you.

~~Christine Louise Hohlbaum, American author of the forthcoming Power of Slow: 101 Ways to Save Time in Our 24/7 World (fall 2009), Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff (2003) and SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe (2005), has been published in hundreds of publications. When she isn't writing, leading intensive seminars or wiping up messes, she prefers to frolic in the Bavarian countryside near Munich where she lives with her husband and two children. Visit her Web site: http://t.ymlp88.com/bebaaauhuaiahjuafaubjs/click.php.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

Dare to Seek Out New Challenges

More feedback about this "Doing What Scares You" stuff.

I received a follow up letter from Beth Blair. Remember, she's the one who gave her icebreaker at a Toastmaster's club (1st speech) recently.

"It makes me think, what else can I do well? As I think about it, I realize there is a good chance there is plenty more out there and there are three main reasons I have not attempted to find them (whatever "they" are):

A. I don't believe I can
B. Someone told me I can't and I believed them
C. It never occurred to me to try

I feel like it's time to reassess my life and figure out what direction I'm supposed to go. This is such an exciting time!"

Beth, you've given me much to think about. Thanks for sharing. Would love to hear comments from you about your fears or what you are trying new in 2009.

I've linked you to this video before. It's a good one. If you've never stopped long enough to view it, you'll be glad you did. This is a YouTube video of Libby Saunter, first female, walking the slackline in the picture above.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

Dare to Go Through the Experience: The Butterfly Story

Maybe you’ve heard the butterfly story?

A little boy finds a cocoon and waits for the butterfly to appear. Eventually the cocoon splits in half and a damp butterfly beats its wings as it struggles to get out.

Worried that the butterfly will not be able to escape, the boy grabs the cocoon and pulls it apart. The boy breaks the butterfly free, but it falls to the ground, unable to fly.In order for its wings to be strong enough to fly, a butterfly must first struggle against the cocoon.

How well I know dealing with the frustrations, hardships and stresses of life is hard to do, but it is necessary. To grow and to become our best selves we must be able to handle the fortitudes of life, we must be allowed opportunities to struggle and strengthen our wings.

Speaking of butterflies...



Thanks to L. Diane Wolfe who awarded my blog The Butterfly Award. Now it's time to go and seek out fellow bloggers to also receive the designation. If you have recommendations for me, would love to review them.


Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Be Brave

One night while watching TV, I landed on a reality-based show featuring three talented women who were vying for the title of being the best (in their field). To make it to the final competition, the women had to fly to Europe.

One contestant confessed that she was afraid to fly. Not willing to give up without trying, she made plans to make the trip. On the day of departure, she walked on board the plane, but that's all she could manage to do. Her fear of flying overwhelmed her and she exited the plane. Doing so meant she had to withdraw from the competition.

Watching the scene broke my heart. And I'm sure it broke hers too.

In 2000, I had a fear that stopped me. It was the fear of speaking in public. To cure myself, I joined Toastmasters and eventually (let's just say it didn't happen overnight) solved my problem.

My cyberfriend Beth Blair (Desert Mama) confessed to me not too long ago that she had a similar fear. Here's her latest report:

"I gave my first speech last night and I did GREAT! I was so so nervous driving there but when I got up to speak I felt okay. Then after the first minute or so I became totally relaxed. The best part was everyone laughed when they were supposed to. I received some really, really nice feedback. Thank you for the encouragement! It's an amazing feeling to get up and do something that I have been fearing my entire life."

Yes it is, Beth. Yes it is. I remember playing a scene over and over in my head when I was working so hard to overcome my fears. The scene went like this...

The room would be full of people...at least 50 to 75...and I would walk up to lectern to give my talk. As I approached the lectern, I would turn, look and smile at the audience. I would be calm and relaxed...I would have no stressful reaction (hand shaking, brain freeze, wobbly voice). All would go smoothly and according to plan.

And one day, just as I imagined and believed could happen, the scene unfolded in front of me. I stood at the lectern in front of a group of 50+ women. It worked! It worked!

Today's message is about facing what scares you! Don't let a fear of flying stop you from going to your France.

Instead do something about it....start doing something about it today!

Would love to hear comments from others who have overcome fears and how you did it.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/
info at allynevans.com

Time For a Cool Change

Besides celebrating Christmas and the New Year, December and January are my clean up and organize months.

Although not the most exciting tasks to do, once my list is completed it always feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

So today, I am also encouraging you to follow my lead.


Stop long enough to identify one project you've been postponing and put it on your calendar. Then when the appointed time comes, do it! It can be as simple as cleaning out a desk drawer (okay, that's still on my list...January is not over...and I'm planning to do by Sunday).


The act of taking small insignificant steps will make you feel better...promise!

Back to Present Moment Living...

Now it's 2009 and I am focusing attention on the resolution I mentioned previously. Yep, it's my time to get this practice of living in the moment down.

There is good news! I am getting better at it.

In Timeshifting Stephan Rechtschaffen shared about the time he saw a bumper sticker that read, “Having a good time, wish I were here.”

Stephan believes Americans live in the future and do so at very high rates of speed. To live in the moment, he believes, is living a life without stress. Even though a difficult place to be all of the time his assertion makes complete sense.

If you are living in the present moment, then worrying about, say the bill collector, doesn’t work. If the bill collector isn’t on your doorstep or on the telephone, then that is worrying about something that isn’t in your present moment. Of course one could argue that you still have bad finances...and so plenty to worry about. But as simplisitic as this advice sounds...I'm going to keep reminding myself of this example to help me focus on what is happening in front of me.

Okay...this makes sense. Onward and upward.

Let's just say I couldn't pass this one up today. I found this image while working on a presentation.

Goes nicely with the most recent post and comments. Don't you think?

Old Dog Willing to Learn New Tricks

For most, the month of January has us thinking about change or how our lives can be different or better. If this is truly your desire, certainly is mine, then it is time to be willing to say yes to things—even if what is in front of you scares you.

In Mastering Life's Energies Maria Nemeth tells us: "Being willing is an effective affirmation. In fact, I would argue that it is the most potent of all affirmations." I agree with Maria.

So many times I'll say no to a situation, event or to someone. I usually have all these really good reasons or so I think. There's a quotation attributed to many including the likes of Albert Einstein, Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin that comes to mind.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

If I keep saying no and do my very best to keep everything the same, then I will have the same results (or close to it) as last year. Hmmmm.

So today...and this week, if you are so inspired, let's agree to be willing to take a few chances or do things we haven't done before. Because if you are like me and wanting different results, then it means we also have to make changes. Let's stretch our wings a little as we move into 2009.

http://www.allynevans.com/

allyn at suddenlink.net

Shoot for the Moon

After reading my post about attempting to live happily in the moment, my friend Carolyn Howard-Johnson asked me to talk about regrets. Okay, so some Elvis Presley lyrics come to mind..."Regrets, I've had a few."

Interestingly, I can't think of specifics at this writing. But I can talk in generalities. I regret that for so many years I allowed fear to stop me or slow down my progress.

I used to be afraid of much—mostly the opinions of others. Oh and yes, speaking in public was another one, which included articulating my opinions or ideas. My body had an intense reaction to being in front of others (uncontrollable shaking, rapid heart beat, wobbly voice, scrambled brain) and so I avoided it.

Today, I encourage you to think about what stops you from shooting for your moon. In 2000, I took care of one of my fears and joined Toastmasters. Since then, many of my other fears—the debilitating ones...the ones that stopped me from being proactive—have melted away.

Start with one. I think you'll be surprised how far the first step takes you!

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
allyn at suddenlink.net