Eating A Little Humble Pie

You see it's now time to confess. Things outside of my self still control me. It's the bugaboo haunting me at the moment. Sometimes I win more than others and sometimes I lose even more. It occurs to me as I confess that through my struggles, the best intro for the topic of humility has been found. Because by confessing, you'll find me eating several pieces of humble pie today.

Pull up your chair and join me. Yum. This pie tastes good.

Interestingly, despite my inability to keep my promises to myself lately, I am still not reverting to self-bashing. Now that does feel GOOD. But I am still not winning this inner war. Still things outside of me have power. So far, I have yet to wage a strong enough battle.

Carolyn Myss would tell me to "Get a backbone."

"I hear you, Caroline, I hear you."

My confession demonstrates my weakness. My weakness and confusion could, note the operative word here is "could", lead to humiliation. Could. But it doesn't. It's my choice of whether or not to allow my failure to humiliate me or not. And this time, I am saying no to humiliation. Chalk one up to the school of life. That is what is going on here. Nothing more. Nothing less. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

And I can make a new promise—a new vow...I can promise myself that I will keep working. I will not give up. Now, that's a promise I think I can keep.

Let's turn our attention to the lesson for today—humiliation.

The only person who allows you to be humiliated is yourself. Do you get what's being said here? Only we can label something as humiliating or embarrassing. No other person can humiliate us. Yes, they be cruel and unkind. But the decision to be humiliated is ours—and only ours to make.

If you find yourself saying things like, "I am humiliated, or I am so embarrassed," then it's likely you are concerned about opinions of others. The good news is you've found your starting point. Begin making decisions for yourself that are not influenced by what others will think about you. Start focusing on your own internal hunches and acting on your own guidance instead of what you think others would like you do.

Wayne Dyer in his book Power of Intention helps us put the opinions of others into perspective: “You’ll find no shortage of opinions directed at you. If you allow them to undermine your self-respect, you’re seeking the respect of others over your own, then you’re abdicating (handing over) yourself.”

Something else Dr. Dyer shared makes sense. “Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others.” He goes on to tell us that we have no control over the mind of someone else. What they think is what they think.

And if we are honest with ourselves, it is humanly impossible to please all the people all of the time. A few years ago, when grappling with this very idea, I had a dream.

In the dream I am sobbing. I am heart broken. I am back in college surrounded by the girls who never liked me. In reality, for one semester I lived with a roommate who disliked me and openly shared her feelings. In the middle of my sobbing, I heard a clap of thunder and a loud voice say, "Allyn you cannot be liked by everyone."

The message was powerful. The message changed my life.

Now the message can also change yours. Do you feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders?

Dr. Dyer said, “Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you.”
Amen. Wayne. Amen.

Would love to hear your comments. Your thoughts and ideas are helpful to others. I promise!


Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/
http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/

Keeping Blankety Blank Promises to My Self

I know. I know. I promised to talk about humiliation this time.

But keeping promises to myself got in the way again. You'll recall, a few posts ago, I talked about this promise-keeping business. I made a vow. And let me tell you, I take vows seriously. While hanging around in an airport, not by choice mind you, I discovered what I thought was a key piece to ending self-bashing once and for all. (To read that post first, click here.)

After that epiphany I made a pledge. Drum roll, please.

I pledged to stay on a health program for thirty days. What I didn't say before is that I also pledged to give up things I love, including Diet Coke. My new mantra explains my desire: "Nothing outside of myself controls me." I didn't want to need caffeine. I didn't want to have to have a Diet Coke for things to be okay (first thing in the morning, at break, at lunch, at...well, you get the picture).

Last weekend, I made a pre-meditated decision to break my promise to myself. I tossed all the rules out the window and purchased the BIG BAD THREE—Diet Coke, alcohol and chips. And my splurge was Fabulous! My Saboteur stepped in and sealed the deal. I had a Diet Coke with my pre-dinner snack of chips. And drank wine with supper. Some of you are thinking so what? The what is I made a promise to not buy or consume the BIG BAD THREE for thirty days. I was working on day number 18. I will not tell you about the following Monday. Let's just say...tennis ladies event, we weren't on the courts and it involved a restaurant.

Before I continue on...I also want you to understand that I believe in moderation and not the complete banning of everything I enjoy FOREVER. It's just that I made this promise. A stupid promise. A promise I now know I couldn't keep.

Okay so here's how the old routine would go after falling off the proverbial wagon, "You suck. You're terrible. You're twisted. What's your freakin' problem?" I'd also throw in a few slams about how I looked too.

I waited. And waited. But the self-bashing never came. Hmmm. I thought this self-loathing business was because I couldn't keep promises to myself. Yep, I definitely broke a promise. Hmmm. Maybe it's not that simple.

This time after walking backwards, I responded differently. My response contains the answer. Instead of calling myself names, I asked questions. "Wonder why I did that? Wonder why I took two steps forward and one step back? What is the trigger? And how do I make it stop? How do I truly step into the idea that nothing outside of myself controls me?"

So what changed?

Then it hit me. I realized, wow, I am still making progress and I am still moving forward in the direction of health. If I looked back to 18 days previously, I was a person who allowed things outside of herself to control her. Fast forward to my new reality. Wow. I don't have to drink Diet Coke all day anymore. My home-made lemonade concoction and plain old fashioned water suit me fine.

I skipped self-bashing, self-loathing and immediately jumped to, "but look...I didn't drink Diet Coke for 18 days. I feel better because I haven't had any alcohol for that long." (Well, it was 18 days without, if you forget the glass of wine I had while in the hot tub.) I even caught myself repeating Scarlett O'Hara. "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

And then came yet another "aha" moment. It was a key piece that I didn't find on my way to Chicago. The key is not to swear away every detail. Don't make proclamations like, "I will NOT do this for this many days." All you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. Instead make sweeping, global, grand promises. Like, "I will make healthier choices." So the vow becomes a general statement..."I will make healthier choices. I will be more loving. I will be more forgiving. I will take action."

The key is the "big picture" statement. Forget perfection. It's the continued practice that moves us in the right direction. Also important are how you classify the "how-to's" like no diet coke, less wine, no chips. The how-to's are the guidelines—not the vow.

That's why I didn't turn to self-bashing this time. I'm still on course to being healthier. For the most part, I am making healthier choices. And now I can say, "Nothing outside myself controls me," and mean it. Yes, I still might want the things I have deemed not healthy, and I will have them occasionally. But I don't have to have them to function. I no longer waste energy thinking about how to get them anymore...when I don't have them.

What's the next step. We keep our promises to ourselves by staying true to the overall objective and by not getting bogged down in the rules (guidelines). And when we take a few missteps (meaning we break a guideline), we stand up dust ourselves off and we continue to keep plugging away by jumping back in the wagon and continuing what we've started.

Next time...we'll tackle humiliation. Now that's a fun one.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. We're launching a brand new on-line community for moms and girls this spring. I'll be giving you details soon. It will be much more interactive than QueenPower.com. You'll be able to blog, comment and chitchat on our forums. You'll be able to add photos and video to your personal pages. There will also be the opportunity to organize your own groups within our community. For example, we're looking for someone to run our book club group for moms and daughters. Oh and incase you don't think your computer skills are up for it...you'll be pleasantly surprised. It's very easy to join and use!

For any writers who subscribe to QueenPower.com, we are looking for bloggers on subjects relevant for moms and girls. If you an interest, please email me.

Lessons From My Teacher

Caroline Myss

Update: Something interesting happened to me after writing this initial post. Obviously our earthly teachers, mentors and guides are humans...just like us. As humans we make mistakes and have opinions for starters. By her own admission, Caroline Myss labels herself "obnoxiously opinionated." On this we both agree! However, there are many times that I have not agreed with Caroline Myss. After listening to the taped version of my missed Chicago seminar, I realized just how far apart we are in some basic ideologies. And sometimes her "obnixious opinions" interfered with my ability to absorb a lesson or a point. Certainly, I don't think that was her intention, but nevertheless it's what happened to me.

So, will I continue to claim her as a teacher?

Yes. Yes, I will. Is it okay that I disagree with her? Yes. Yes, it is.

Original Post
She doesn't know she's my teacher. I take that back. Maybe she does. Maybe she saw the roster with my name and the names of 250 other students on it a few weeks ago. Never mind that I never made it to the class in the first place. Remember the failed trip to Chicago?

But surely she knows. Right?

Of course she doesn't know. And the truth is it really doesn't matter. Whether we ever exchange a word or not isn't important because I have learned so much simply by reading my teacher's words and listening to her lectures and radio show. What matters is what I have learned.

Today, while doing some mindless tasks I tuned in to Caroline Myss's most recent radio show archived on HayHouse Radio. During the show, she talked about self-esteem. This piqued my interest because I have been talking to GirlTech students recently about self-esteem.

She told us things I already know, but what I love about my teacher is that she articulates the ideas so beautifully. Makes me want to say: "Yeah, what she said."

Caroline explained to a caller, "Each person has to earn self-esteem." I agree. People don't arrive here fully loaded with or without the self-esteem gene. It's something that living your life helps you grow. Some of us have more challenges than others, sometimes this makes a person grow stronger and sometimes, it leaves one with stuff to overcome. No matter, it's the culmination of our experiences and how we deal with them that develop or destroy our concept of self.

Caroline said something else that interested me. She said, "The illusion is that you get self-esteem by pleasing others." When we think about this we know she's right. An important question to ask ourselves is are we still making desicions because of what the all important others might think? Caroline tells us it's as if we think all this people pleasing activity will eventually rid of us our need for approval. If you continue down this path, the opposite is the result. Our need for approval from others intensifies leaving us without confidence and lost. Before signing off today, Caroline gave us some tips about how to help ourselves and to build self-esteem.

So, I'm sharing a little Caroline Myss wisdom with you. To take steps toward a more powerful you:

1. Release the fear of humiliation.
2. Face your fears.
3. And keep promises you make to yourself.

Hmmmm. I think this is easier than it sounds. As always, though, I am up for trying. And you know what? I'll continue this discussion in a few days or so. We'll start with releasing the fear of humiliation first.

Think you'd like to read some of Caroline's books. I suggest starting with "Anatomy of the Spirit." If you have an illness or health issues, you might benefit from her earlier work, "Why People Don't Heal."

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

Never Made It to Chicago

It wasn't without trying. I happen to head out on the day that snow covered all the
midwestern states. And ended up having flights cancelled on me until I decided to cut my losses and return home. Yes, I could have eventually made it, but...the decision was made because I needed to arrive by a certain time to not miss too much of the conference I was attending.

So, where was I going?

I was going to a CMED training delivered by my favorite author, teacher Caroline Myss.

What's interesting is that even though I never made it to the workshop, I experienced an epiphany. And I thought I needed a workshop for that!

If you've read my book (Grab the Queen Power: http://www.allynevans.com/), you know that I have experienced my share of self-loathing. The book was about my need to figure out why. Working through the process of writing the book, I did figure it out. This figuring out helped me drop much of the self-bashing, but...and here's the hard thing for me to admit...I have not given up all of it.

I still regularly beat myself up. (You know, monkey mind chatter.) A recent dream brought this message home to me. The dream: I was carrying myself up a stairway upside down and with every step I took my head banged against each step. In another round of dreams one night, a bully followed me around and constantly hit me and yelled at me.

Oh dear. And okay, I get it. But I was confused about how to solve this long-lived problem.

I thought the "cure" was to try to love myself as I am. Don't get me wrong...that is part of it. But, I was missing a key piece and it hit me while people-watching at the Kansas City Airport. My loathing has much more to do with my inability to keep promises to myself.

Aha! The cure for me is to keep the promises I make to myself. This means, I need to make promises I can keep...that I am willing to go the distance to keep. For example, if I am going to lose weight, then I must vow to stick to the program until I reached my goal. If I can't do this, then I need to stop making weak promises and forgive myself. The self-love process starts there. "This is who I am and this is where I'll stay by choice."

My choice (after lots of thought) is to make a promise to myself that I will not break. I have made a vow, which in my mind is more than a promise. From this moment until the next thirty days pass, I will repeat the mantra: "Nothing outside of myself controls me," and I will keep my word to myself.

My inner child (do I really have one of those) is throwing a fit. And I'm certain it's the inner child who always helps me break those promises. "I want. I deserve. Wah!" And it's the same voice I will fight for the next thirty days.

Why are the profound answers always simple? Of course, simple doesn't mean easy.

I have no illusions about that. But, I believe in my heart of hearts that I have finally reached a place where I will be able to keep my promises to myself. I'm tired of the old way. The old way has never worked.

Although I had a hard time enjoying my failed trip to Chicago, sitting in airports for hours is not my idea of fun, I celebrate what the "alone-time" delivered to me.

I am optimistic about this next phase of my life. Stay tuned.

http://www.allynevans.com/

You Cannot Be Found

When I was a teenager, I hung on my wall a banner that read..."You cannot be found, if you were never lost."

I had forgotten all about this until I started digging through some old memory books over the holidays.

Although, at the time I thought I was that person...the one that was never lost. In triumph I hung the words over my bed as a daily remember of how not lost I was.

But in fact, I was lost...and wouldn't find my self for decades.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin. Fun or Fattening?

Today's blog is something I wrote last year. But it goes along with the last post. Because although I am in a better place, making better choices about food and nutrition, I still love movie popcorn! If I go to the movies, I can't resist. And let's face it. Movie popcorn isn't my only challenge.

Update: Okay, I'm still a work in progress, but I am maintaining the new weight and keeping up the exercise regime. The most difficult challenge comes at night. But I am working on creating new patterns of behavior to help me avoid those times when I simply want to snack on something crunchy, like...ahem...popcorn, or drink those empty calories. Aaaggghhhh.

On that note read about a movie going experience and an epiphany I had last year.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin

My cousin and I get a chance to go to a grown-up’s movie, a rare treat for moms. No Cars. No Ice Age 2. No Over the Hedge. We can pick a REAL movie. A movie just for us. We pick "The Devil Wears Prada."

“We’ve got to have popcorn.” Sheryll says. “It’s part of the experience.”

I agree. Popcorn, even at top dollar, is a theater MUST. At the popcorn-ordering counter we debate. Small? Medium? Large? I step up to the plate. “We’ll share a medium-sized popcorn.”

“Butter?” the popcorn guy asks.

Butter? My daughter Addy adds butter. I don’t add butter. Butter is full of bad things. Butter kills. I never eat popcorn with butter. NEVER. Dripping, hot, creamy butter? No. No can do. Don’t do butter. Can’t do butter. Okay, I will not lie. I’ve tasted it. When Addy orders butter, I eat half. Oh, butter. But adult women don’t eat butter. Sheryll wouldn’t want butter. Sheryll wouldn’t even like butter. I am confident. Adult women don’t eat butter.

“No butter,” I say.

“What?” Sheryll sounds horrified.
I think she is appalled at the thought of adding butter. I promise I don’t want butter. No butter. “No butter. No butter.”

We have to do this right,” Sheryll says. “We HAVE to have butter.”

I grin.

“Do you want it layered?” Popcorn Guy says. “You know, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter?”

Sheryll and I smile. Popcorn Guy gets it. He totally gets it. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Good. Um. Good. Um. Good.

We watch the movie. We laugh. We eat. We lick our fingers. About halfway through the movie, fashion editor Nigel is disgusted by the excess weight of young, naïve Andy. “You are a size 6. That’s the new 14,” Nigel says. I laugh. I eat more butter. I lick my fingers. I don’t want to think about what size my butter-eating-popcorn-self is.

Later in the movie a character called Emily talks about how she lost weight. “I don’t eat,” she says. “When I feel faint I have a cube of cheese. Works like a charm.” Licking my fingers, I laugh. But deep down inside I don’t laugh.

Emily starves herself. Denies herself. Her level of denial cuts much deeper than anything I could ever muster. She looks good. We would all like to look so good. I bet she wears a size 2. Does that translate into the new size 10? She starves herself because she wants to look great in Paris.

Ah, Paris. The place she yearns to go. Paris of the future. Unreachable Paris. But darn it, despite the self denial, she never makes it to Paris. She sacrifices. She suffers. She gets sidetracked by a head-on car collision. I get it. I finally get it.

All my life I’ve denied myself the butter. The real butter. Why? My trip to Paris comes in other forms. I want to look good. I want others to think I’m in control. I want others to think I have my act together. But for so long I have believed I can only have the happy-ever-after if I’m the right size. So far my Paris hasn’t come. But at the Malco Grandview in Madison, MS, I reach a decision. I don’t need a car crash to totally get it. Whether my over size 6 translates into over the new 14—at this point I don’t really care—my butterless popcorn days are over.

And from now on, it’s not going to be just popcorn with butter. It’s going to be layered.

*****

Do I still eat buttered popcorn? Yep, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. What saves me is that I rarely go to the movies! :) But that's not the point. This weighing, healthy living thing is not about denial. It's about making good choices 80 percent of time.

Enjoy your holidays. Don't overstress about weight, eating or merriment. Enjoy and do the best you can at the moment you are faced with choice. If you do make what you consider a bad choice, don't beat yourself up. And don't make promises you can't keep. Simply live and enjoy being with those you love.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. The other day the president of a company who sells Stevia sent me a sample of their products to try in my lemonade. I will be testing soon and after Christmas will let you know how it all turned out. I'll give you all the details just in time for all those New Year resolutions we'll be making!

Don't Step on It...It Makes You Cry

Do you remember the time I asked you to chunk your scales?

Remember?

If you want to read exactly what I said before continuing, click here:

http://allynevans.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2006-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2007-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=2

Here's what I said:

I told you to throw them away. The title was clever: “Scales Belong on Fish”. And oh, I was so clever for thinking up this brand new plan. At the time, I saw it as a way to stop torturing myself.

Now, no moaning please, I have a completely different opinion.

Throwing out my scale was the same as throwing up my hands and symbolic for: “I give.”

You know who won that battle. Nope, not me.

This year when it was time for the annual checkup, two years had lapsed since I had been to the doctor or stepped foot on a scale. I wasn't ready to go there. I had no idea what the outcome would be because I had avoided all scales. And, more importantly, I didn't want to know. I prepared myself for battle.

After my name was called, I followed the nurse to the scale. I looked at her and gave her the “No way Jose” expression.

She arched her eyebrow.

I said, “I will NOT step on the scale.”

“Sorry, Ms Evans, but you must.”

“Will not.”

“Will too.”

“Will not.”

“Will too.”

Of course you know who won this argument. I slipped off my shoes and took off the jacket that I only removed when undressing or at home, you know the “cover-your-flaws” jacket, and stepped on the scale.

The nurse started at a reasonable place. “Well, at least I looked like I weigh less.” Right. Whatever.

I held my breath and looked down. "Yikes! This is bad.” Really bad. Terrible. A disaster.

If you aren't monitoring your weight, it can get away from you and quickly. The same thing goes with finances. Don’t pay attention. Don’t know. Then wham. Not good.

My off-base suggestion in the before mentioned article recommended using your clothes as a guide. After following my own advice for two years, I can tell you using the “how-your-clothes-fit” method to monitor weight does not work. One can wear the same size clothes while going up and down a ten to fifteen pound point spread. Take my word for it. I know.

We can use all kind of inner dialogue to explain away our tight jeans or tight jackets. “Hey, my jeans shrunk in the dryer! Yeah, that’s what happen. Look they still fit! I still wear the same size.”

At the doctor’s office I had a reality check. Things weren't going my way. And the direction I was heading meant I’d be changing pant sizes really soon. If I continued on my path of denial, the size would be bigger. Who was I kidding anyway? If you are using the “stick-your-head-in-the-sand” approach to anything in your life, stop right now! Take stock. Look at it. Size it up.

Face the facts.

When you do this, you can create a plan that will allow you to make change. You can make small changes to help you correct the scale, the budget or reduce debt. Self-correcting doesn't have to be difficult or hard. This is the "magic key" I recently discovered about weight. Making small changes that you will be able to do over the long haul will give you the best results. A quick fix is not best and creating a program you can't stay with isn't either.

When playing tennis today, I listened to some “just-the-right-size” ladies on my court. “I never eat after 8:00 p.m.,” the size eight said.

“Me neither,” the size four replied.

What an interesting concept. Add scales, make a few rules and without much effort new habits and patterns are formed. I decided at that very moment I would adopt the rule too.

The previous night, I had cut off all food and drink at 7:00 p.m. The medic hired by my life insurance company called me and told me to fast for 12 hours. She was scheduled to do my blood work the next morning. Because of my fasting experience, I had already thought about this rule. “What if I didn't allow myself to eat or drink after 7:00 p.m.? It would probably help me lose weight.” Hearing those ladies talk about it confirmed that maybe I was on to something. I liked their cut off time better and changed my 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.

Some good news…

Since weighing at the doctors a month and a half ago, I’ve lost eleven pounds. How do I know? Medic Lady weighed me today. My actual weight surprised me. This time, it made me happy. I had no idea I had lost that much weight. My “clothes” method hadn't told me this at all. Sure, I knew my clothes fit better, but not eleven pounds better!

I have more pounds to go. With new rules in place, like don’t eat after 8:00 p.m., don’t eat when full, make healthy choices, and walk five days a week, I am ready to keep going. Now I see a scale for what it is—an instrument of measure. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s simply a tool to help me know when I need to be more attentive to what I eat or how much I exercise. The mystery has finally been solved for me.

Want to know what is working for me after thirty something years of self - bashing and struggling with my willpower?

1. Don’t eat past fullness. If you use this method, you don’t have to continually deny yourself.

2. Use the 80/20 percent rule. I make an effort to make healthy choices at least 80 percent of the time. This frees me up to indulge occasionally without playing the guilt game.

3. Exercise regularly. Right now my exercise of choice is walking. While in the weight loss phase, I’m going a little overboard on this…meaning, I walk more than I plan to do for maintenance purposes. For the short - term, it will not be problem. I read, rehearse presentations or watch TV while I walk on my treadmill. Walking outside, of course, is always an option. I also play tennis for fun two days weekly. Find exercises you can enjoy so you will continue for the long - term.

4. Include some type of resistance training. My latest discovery is the band. I love it! Prevention magazine did a study and found women who used the band were most successful in losing weight and inches. They compared the band users to groups who repeatedly did yoga, pilates, dumbbell training or floor exercises.

5. Reduce the number of diet cokes (or soft drinks you are drinking). If you are drinking fully loaded versions, you know the ones with sugar, you’ll notice an immediate difference! For so many years, I couldn't break myself of the diet coke habit, but now I limit my consumption to three or less 12 oz servings a day. In its place, I drink homemade lemonade. I sweeten the lemonade with Stevia. Stevai is a low-carbohydrate, low-sugar supplement that has a negligible effect on your blood glucose levels. You can buy Stevia on line or at your local health food store. It’s listed as a supplement. The lemons and Stevia aren't cheap, but they are not any more expensive than diet cokes. The lemonade tastes so good that it’s easy for me choose to drink it over diet coke.

If you have a tip you want to share, leave a comment. We love to talk in cyberspace. And anything to help each other feel our best is always welcomed!

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

If you are a writer and interested in learning more Amazon.com and all the things you can do with your Amazon.com account, check out http://www.talkingallthingswrite.blogspot.com/.

It includes information I shared with Red Dirt Book Festival participants last week!