Women's Voices Revisited

I am revamping my first book. Yes, it's getting a new title and face lift. I am excited about it and will share the new cover with you here, once I get the final draft.

While going through this process, I taking time to re-read the book. I want to find those errors and typos that got by us during the first publishing attempts.

Doing this brings me back into the material and the voices of the women who talked to me and others about their lives.

Here are some of their words (some in the book and some not).

"I can remember being nice was a goal of mine. I would write it down on my list. 'Be nice!' How many boys would have that as their goal?" (laughs) Kathleen, 35 years old.

"My mother started telling me when I was little . . . Don’t let anyone cause you to try to be somebody else.” Christine, 91 years old

“My aunt was my role model. She had no children, when I visited her, I was the Queen. At my home, we had nine children and my mother always had a baby on her hip. Aunt Dorothy would take me to guitar lessons, water ballet lessons, made doll clothes for my dolls. I was the Queen Bee.” Vicki, 59 years old

"I would pick my battles differently. I would be a little bit different there. I wouldn’t care whether my daughter wore pink shoes with a blue dress. Whereas I did at the time." Kitty, 60-something year old

"I’m not going to be like my mother. That ended up being twenty years of hell—trying NOT to be like my mother." Margaret, 55 years old

One interview was most meaningful to me. The woman, who has since passed away, had ovarian cancer. She was most reflective. I included a few of her answers below.

She told me "There was always this expectation that you grow up and get married. A lot of women didn’t see that there were choices."

She told me that as she played the wife of role and mother she felt misplaced. "I felt like there was somewhere else I was suppose to be. Something else I was supposed to be doing. I was intellectually and emotionally stifled. I didn’t feel like I was a contributing member to the human race. I always felt like I needed that and that I wanted to keep learning."

She also confessed, "I had to suppress the real me."

I asked her what advice she had for mothers of daughters.
"I think if I had to do it over it again, I think I would have encouraged my daughter in different ways. I would have honored her strenghts to help her find her way. Personally, I was never encouraged in any direction in one way or another. Neither was I discouraged. No one ever said to me, 'Okay, you have a good way with words…you should consider writing for the newspaper, enter a writing contest.' Nothing was ever encouraged that way. It was like having tunnel vision growing up. There were no forks in the road."

And now I will return to one of my favorite quotations and one that ended the book.

When asked if she had anything else to say, an 80+ year old woman responded, "I done said enough." Well, me too!

Till next time...

Allyn Evans

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Having Your Own Good Witch Glinda

Excerpted from my first book, Grab the Queen Power: Live Your Best Life! (2005).

Several years ago, I made the decision to develop a greater awareness of my intuitive nature.

Although I have always been highly sensitive to the feelings of others, I wasn’t born with an elevated ability to interpret my intuitive whispers.

It took practice and time.

The key was trusting myself and acting on the messages I received.

The next move is to make a pledge. “I promise myself that I will take action based on the intuitive hits I receive.” When beginning the process, you are going to miss some of the hints along the way.

That’s life, and as is true with any new skill, you must practice. Simply recognize the misstep as soon as possible. Quite frankly, many of your ‘hits’ are going to blow right over you until you are ready to ‘hear’ them clearly.

Pay Attention to the Clues Dropped by the Queen Fairies. We’re often so closed off from our directives that we either don’t hear them or completely miss them altogether.

To make lasting change, you must make a declaration. By doing so, you are accessing the power of intuition. But, before you do, it is vitally important that you understand with this commitment comes the duty to act.

Simply asking to ‘hear’ more clearly doesn’t alter your current situation. It’s the acting on the inner promptings that change the course of your life. Yes, Good witch Glinda is speaking to you. She is reminding you of the silver slippers you are wearing.

As Nancy Sinatra so fittingly wrote and sang, these shoes (okay, so she actually said boots) are made for walking. Not stepping out shuts down the inner messages just as much as external noises. If you need support (and courage), form a team of friends to help you move forward.

Starting is the key.

"Turn around."
"Go to that store."
"Say hello!"
"Call Jane."
"Go to that meeting."

Whatever you hear, sense or know (we all experience different ways of communicating with ourselves) accept its value.

Don’t think your thoughts are crazy or unfounded. If you get the nudge to hug someone, do. If you get the urge to avoid a person, do that, too. Eventually, you’ll work up to strong feelings and sensations that either warn or prepare you to take the next move.

I no longer have to guess if I should collaborate with another person or not. Actually, fine-tuning this skill takes all the guesswork out of hiring. It significantly cuts out the need for extensive investigation. Whew! It’s something I know simply based on an interaction. I feel a certain way and I have learned to recognize those feelings.

I remember years back when I use to be unnerved by the security guard that regularly checked on our office. Something about him made my skin crawl. My reaction to his visits prompted me to never stay late without another person around. Although he appeared nice and presentable, on some level I sensed the danger.

Turned out this man had murdered someone. The security company missed this important little fact, but my higher self or inner knowing sensed danger.

Many people, me included, find answers in the quiet moments when your mind is still and the chatter is minimal. My best time to meditate or contemplate is in the morning immediately after waking up. That’s the time when you are the closest to a ‘dream-like’ state, which is highly conducive for communication with your higher self.

Other hints include being open to receiving answers and suggestions. Your messages could come from within or from others. Yes, the Queen fairies use other people, circumstances and physical sensations to inform you.

The main point is to recognize the need to pay attention. Your Queen fairies are all around you, dropping you little, essential hints continuously. Stay tuned. Part Two will be printed soon.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
email me!

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My Momma Done Told Me

When I wrote my first book, we ended up with lots of quotations that were not used. My editor put them all together on one page and we ended up including them in the book. She titled it:

My Momma Done Told Me. No, these weren't things my mother told me. Although some of the sayings were heard by many of us as we grew up. Primarily, these are things the women interviewed were told by their caregivers and also some of their random thoughts about life in general.


Behave yourself and remember whom you belong to. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Birds of a feather flock together.


People judge you by the company you keep. What will the neighbors think? Good girls don’t talk like that.


No time to do it right, just time to do it over. It’s the poor dryer that can’t help the washer. Shut the door. Were you raised in a barn?


Spare the rod; spoil the child. Children should be seen and not heard. If I told you once, then I’ve told you a thousand times.


I’d be thinner and a little shorter. When it mattered, I wanted to be thinner. I’d change the sagging of my body that is happening as I’m getting older. I’d change my feet. I hate my toes. I would have fuller lips and thicker eyelashes.


I’d be like Ruth Lovely—she’s as good as she is beautiful. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m quite satisfied with what God gave me.


Yep, I have a regret! I regret that I married the wrong person. I have some regrets. It’s hard to say that things didn’t turn out like I planned because I never had any definite plans for my life. I always wanted to be married, have children and a home.


I had to wear dresses and ruffled socks and ruffled underwear. I wore Mary Jane’s, a hand-smocked pinafore and a bow in my hair. My cousins wore little suits. We looked like dolls . . . they looked like grownups.


No, my mother didn’t make a difference. She told us she was an equal opportunity ass whooper. She’d whip us all. They treated us equally. My mother and father dealt with us the same.


He always got off lighter and had more freedom. I felt stifled in that way. I can’t say there was a difference in the way we were disciplined. The Queen says the things we wish we could!


Why dogs are men’s best friends? I’m a girl and Snow is my best friend!


My goodness, what will they think? How will it make your family look? What about your reputation?


My dad's mother used sickness a lot when she was raising a family of six kids. Her's was "bed" rest though. She'd say she was "sick" and go to bed for a day or two. I'm sure others coped this way.


If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Can’t tell you how many times I was pinched or jabbed in the thigh with a hatpin for messing up that one! I think that children should be seen not heard so much.


They weren’t heard as much in my day and time. We were told to leave when adults had company. The grown ups would get the bigger pieces of chicken and the children would take what was left over.


We played domestic games, so the fact that I couldn’t wear shorts or pants didn’t hinder my play. The girls had to do the inside chores like laundry, cooking and housecleaning. The boys did anything outside the house such as yard work. But, we all worked in the fields—chopping and picking cotton.


We did the inside chores. My brother’s job was to take out the trash. He only had to do one job—take out the trash. I was encouraged to spend time in the kitchen, but I really didn’t like it. I knew how to clean up real well. I sure didn’t care about doing that on a regular basis.


We all had to share in the household chores before we could go outside and play. When my little brother got older, though, he was only required to take out the garbage.


Yes, I try to avoid conflict. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I always worry that I’m going to offend someone or step on somebody’s toes. And, it’s hard for me to realize I can’t make everyone happy.


And finally, more than one person told me the following...some used different words, but the point was made repeatedly: "I had to suppress the real me."

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
www.thealertparent.com

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Get Serious and Get Going

For many women as we grow closer to middle age, we’ve put our energy toward “other” priorities. Family. Home. Professional Career. This isn’t a bad thing. Simply choices we’ve made about what was most important to us at the time.

Marianne Williamson wrote a book for women approaching the middle age mark. In The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife she reminded me, “Whomever it is you were born to be, whatever lessons you were born to learn, now it is time to get serious and get going.”

I know what she means by this. It’s true. I’ve been feeling a push to “get going” in a direction not dictated by logic, practical matters or reason for some time now—for about a decade actually. And I’ve been going “toward what I am supposed to be” for about as long.

My frustration is with the pace and that’s partly due to the “other” in my life—family and home—which to me is very important. I am seeing in the not too distance future (and with each passing year), I will have more time to “get serious and get going” and this thrills me. But also scares me too.

Maybe you too will be comforted by something else Marianne shared with her readers, “It’s not what’s happened in your life so far that has the power to determine your future.” She’s right. It’s so much more than your past. It’s a combination of the wisdom you have gained, your talents and strengths, your tenacity and yes, your courage to try something whether you are afraid or not.

Take a lesson from Marianne and forget about what you’ve tried before and why it didn’t work. Keep going after what it is you were born to be and do. I have to continually remind myself that it is the journey that is important.

And so I continue to balance life, work and family and I continue to make progress (although the pace at times might seem like that of a turtle) and move in the direction of my heart and aspirations.

This post is dedicated to mothers everywhere.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com


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Dumpy, Frumpy and Downright Lumpy

“What is it about this place?” I said to my sister who was visiting too.

She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Do you feel as frumpy as I do?”

She nodded.

Just a few weeks previously I had been in New York City visiting her. I had even worn the same outfit I was wearing at the moment, except in New York I had dumbed it down a bit. I had added clunky jogging shoes, which I never do unless walking from here to kingdom come.

Also on that particular day I had added a top layer shorter than the under layer. It was colder than I had anticipated and my layering attempts were of a practical nature. Let’s just say that my “look” was interesting.

Not once while parading around the streets of Manhattan, whether in Madison Square, Midtown, SoHo, Chelsea or Greenwich Village did I feel frumpy or out of place or even worse…out of style. As a real test only the Universe can provide, I had proudly walked right past Clinton Kelly of “What Not to Wear” fame. Yes, the addition of the tennis shoes did give me pause as I strutted past him.

But not for one New York minute did I ever feel less than.

Sitting in the mecca of my youth, I felt dowdy, old-fashioned, outdated, oh yes and plain.

In my defense, these are feelings I typically don’t feel anymore. Normally, I don’t find myself sinking into the self-bashing place. As recently as a month ago, I believed I had made significant progress when it came to this self-love, self-acceptance issue. I still think there has been a shift. But obviously, there’s a little more transforming required to put these awful feelings to rest. Of course realizing I still had work to do was most irritating.

An hour later, I found myself in one of the boutiques purchasing new tops. Well, I could easily solve part of the problem.

The next day, members of my family all returned to the offending location. This time we were going to eat lunch. I felt much better. I had on the new top from the “right” store. Ahhhh. The frumps had disappeared. I still berated myself for weighing too much, but that’s a completely different story.

I hadn’t even noticed one of my cousins was wearing a tee-shirt—you know the kind of tee-shirt you wear to sleep in or wear to your child’s baseball game.

She complimented me on what I was wearing and then apologized for her outfit. “I can’t believe I forgot to pack something nice,” she said to me. “But thank goodness this is one of those places where it really doesn’t matter what you wear.”

My sister and I looked at each other. Okay, so we almost choked. Then we laughed.

My cousin. Well, she really meant it. She felt perfectly at home wearing a tee-shirt and jeans. And she also “looked” perfectly fine wearing her tee-shirt and jeans. We got it. Point made. High five the Universe that made it happen.

Turns out we were the fools. We were the ones that allowed our self-doubts and negative chatter to tell us we were somehow less than the “others” around us.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Not a Weed, But a Flower

Suppose you'd known for a long time that you were a weed.

When you were just a little sprout, before anyone had told you you were a weed, you'd known something of what flowers feel like; and as you grew, you felt you'd like it better if you were a flower.

But you learned to be satisfied living as a weed nonetheless—most of the time. You learned to bend a little so as not to take too much sun, and to eat and drink and breathe, not quite so much nourishment from the flowers around you.

It's only in spring when the flowers start to bloom, that it's hard to be weedlike; then, when the warm breeze comes, you feel a stirring of hope, a wish for just a taste of blooming. But you can't of course, you're a weed.

Now suppose that one day a lovely creature walks into your field looking for flowers, and suppose she walks straight up to you and says: "What a strange and lovely flower this is hidden from the light!"

For a moment you would not believe her. But oh, you would want to. So you might begin softly, to look and feel around yourself. And what if you discovered that this had all been a silly mistake—that you were not a weed, but a flower after all.

Well, that's what it feels like. A little sad that I spent so much time as a weed when I didn't have to. A little in shock. A little exposed. Excited, in a quiet way, to discover what I'm all about. I don't know much about being a flower, yet. But it's me, and I love it, and I'm giving it all I've got."

Author Unknown

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Accept Change

I love this quotation. Unfortunately, I don't know who to give credit to for it. "We can't change what happened, but we can change what is happening now."

Okay. So things aren't going quite like you planned. Maybe you're a little frustrated. Or sad. Maybe you are mad as hell. Doesn't matter. Your emotions—you know how you feel about it—are your first clue.

So now...here's where you pull up your bootstraps and take stock. Not too long ago I read something Bob Monroe wrote about taking stock. I liked the exercise and want to share with you.

He said, "The major underlying cause of human worry relates to the Law of Change....Some worry that change will take place, others that it will not." Think about where you fit. He also reminded us to understand there are things we tend to worry about that are simply out of our control. For example, we can't change the weather no matter how badly we want to have our pic-nic. You cannot control the stockmarket or how someone will react to you or a situation.

To move away from a state of worry or angst consider the following exercise (also attributed to Monroe).

Reality Check:

Make up a list (called list A). Place on this list all your worries and concerns you can't fix, control or change. On this list place all the things you cannot control.

Make up a list (called list B). Place on this list all your worries and concerns that you can do something today.

Make up a list (called list C). Place on this list all your needs, hopes and desires whether large or small, which have yet to be fulfilled.

Now...

Take List A and throw it away. Allow the destroying of this list to be permission to yourself to let go of the worries and concerns you have included.

Take List B and take action today to eleviate some of your stress. Pay attention and do something about at least one issue listed. Simply by acknowledging and making decisions about actions to take, you are making your load lighter.

Take List C and target at least one item to address, whether large or small, that moves you in the direction of your goals and aspirations.

Continue this process until you have no List A, no List B and all of your energy can be focused on List C.

The above is a rather simplistic way to explain. And of course, new things will appear in your life that will need to be added to either List A or B. But if you continue to work the lists and rid yourself of the things that don't serve you and to make decisions about how to handle others, you will find yourself in a much better place...promise.

Here's another exercise you might find useful.

Examine What's Stopping You and What's Pulling At You:

I am afraid of ...
Before I did something about it I had to include things like speaking in public, asking people for favors or asking people to help me or telling people I wanted something from them (like a job or contract work).

I owe _____ money ...
Many do. If you are one of those folks who is feeling squeezed right now, then face it. Put it on paper. Make a plan. Call your creditors and establish payments. Seek advice.

Some other questions to consider—

I feel ...

I want ...

I need ...

I am ...

I weigh ...

Add any other statement you need to wrap up your reality check.

Now that you have a good idea of where you are. Consider what you want to change. Take steps to begin changing it...immediately. Don't think you have to take on each issue at the same time. Pick one to three that are most pressing and start from there. While you do this relax about the rest of it and don't get bogged down in the "how". But most importantly, don't worry too much about the outcome. In time, as you make changes, you WILL find yourself in a different place, which will also need to be evaluated.

Have you ever heard the ship metaphor? Think of it like being the captain of a ship. The compass (okay, it's much more sophisticated than that now, but go with me here) is there to help you stay on course. When you've strayed a little off course (which you always will d0) the compass gives you feedback.

A captain will keep adjusting her course to get to her destination. Consider the feedback you get from your emotions as well as the feedback you get when you evaluate the plans/goals you have made as course adjustments.

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever."

—Kerri Russell

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

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