Sunday, February 3, 2008

Never Made It to Chicago

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It wasn't without trying. I happen to head out on the day that snow covered all the
midwestern states. And ended up having flights cancelled on me until I decided to cut my losses and return home. Yes, I could have eventually made it, but...the decision was made because I needed to arrive by a certain time to not miss too much of the conference I was attending.

So, where was I going?

I was going to a CMED training delivered by my favorite author, teacher Caroline Myss.

What's interesting is that even though I never made it to the workshop, I experienced an epiphany. And I thought I needed a workshop for that!

If you've read my book (Grab the Queen Power:, you know that I have experienced my share of self-loathing. The book was about my need to figure out why. Working through the process of writing the book, I did figure it out. This figuring out helped me drop much of the self-bashing, but...and here's the hard thing for me to admit...I have not given up all of it.

I still regularly beat myself up. (You know, monkey mind chatter.) A recent dream brought this message home to me. The dream: I was carrying myself up a stairway upside down and with every step I took my head banged against each step. In another round of dreams one night, a bully followed me around and constantly hit me and yelled at me.

Oh dear. And okay, I get it. But I was confused about how to solve this long-lived problem.

I thought the "cure" was to try to love myself as I am. Don't get me wrong...that is part of it. But, I was missing a key piece and it hit me while people-watching at the Kansas City Airport. My loathing has much more to do with my inability to keep promises to myself.

Aha! The cure for me is to keep the promises I make to myself. This means, I need to make promises I can keep...that I am willing to go the distance to keep. For example, if I am going to lose weight, then I must vow to stick to the program until I reached my goal. If I can't do this, then I need to stop making weak promises and forgive myself. The self-love process starts there. "This is who I am and this is where I'll stay by choice."
My choice (after lots of thought) is to make a promise to myself that I will not break. I have made a vow, which in my mind is more than a promise. From this moment until the next thirty days pass, I will repeat the mantra: "Nothing outside of myself controls me," and I will keep my word to myself.
My inner child (do I really have one of those) is throwing a fit. And I'm certain it's the inner child who always helps me break those promises. "I want. I deserve. Wah!" And it's the same voice I will fight for the next thirty days.

Why are the profound answers always simple? Of course, simple doesn't mean easy.

I have no illusions about that. But, I believe in my heart of hearts that I have finally reached a place where I will be able to keep my promises to myself. I'm tired of the old way. The old way has never worked.
Although I had a hard time enjoying my failed trip to Chicago, sitting in airports for hours is not my idea of fun, I celebrate what the "alone-time" delivered to me.

I am optimistic about this next phase of my life. Stay tuned.


Carolyn Howard-Johnson said...

Ohhhhh! Everyone has to be able to relate to this, Allyn.

Once a plane full of people were expected to sit in a plane for heaven knows how long after the plane started taxiing. (Is that how it's spelled?)

The pilot discovered something wrong and drove it back to the terminal and wanted us to sit there. My daughter is pretty edgy. Huge eyes. As they turned around and her eyes got wide, I knew we were all in for trouble and it wasn't just that we were not taking off!

When the attendant suggested we all sit there, "probably for less than an hour" with the assumtpion we would all take off in the same plane, I knew the moment had come. My daughter had everyone evacuating the plane, singlehandedly. Electrical smoke coming from somewhere.

We all got to where we were going but it was on another plane. Thanks to my assertive daughter.
How did I get so lucky to raise one like that?

Carolyn Howard-Johnson

Nicole said...

I didn't comment the first time I read this b/c it was just so close to home, and I was in the throes of an inner child fit myself.

I bought a book today, "You're Broke Because You Want To Be." I'll be blogging about it soon. Suffice to say, I'm hearing the same thing everywhere.

Stop blaming everyone/thing else and DO something about it.

Heck, I could go back and read my own blogs and there it is in black and white. Knowing and doing. Not the same. Finding the inner courage to change the things we can...yep.

Thank you for this reminder. And I's difficult to be told "not now" by the Universe and not be tempted to think it's a big, fat NO. You've done well to see so much promise in a thwarting of your desires. Hats off! =)

Sandi said...

Wow!! I just discovered your blog-I'm not even sure how I got here- but that keep your promises to yourself business really hit me over the head. What an aha moment I just had. I will be back to read more and do some deep and heavy thinking.
Thank you.

Allyn Evans said...

Thanks for taking time to post, Sandi!