Abracadabra. They've Put a Spell on You!

In keeping with the recent theme...

Hocus Pocus. Abracadabra. Remind you a little of Practical Magic? Witchcraft. Trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Forgive the drama, but unfortunately it’s true. Spells exist. Big spells. Little spells. We live in a world where spells are cast and someone falls prey.

You are probably right now under the influence of more than one spell.

Take a breath—it’s not life threatening. But it is serious. According to one of my favorite authors, Caroline Myss, a spell is a mental lock-in. She explained to her Hay House radio listening audience: “What if someone says, ‘You look terrible today?’ You accept the spell. Voilà. You feel terrible all day.”

Mrs. Middleton taught me speech and typing in high school. One day I wore a black t-shirt with jeans to school. She pulled me aside. “Allyn, I must tell you. You look sick when you wear black. Never wear black near your face.” Do I wear black against my face now? Do I have to tell you the answer to that question?

A spell is like a superstition:
“I can’t lose weight.”
“I can’t succeed.”
“I’m stupid.”

Here’s the deal. You have locked into a false belief. FALSE. A superstition. Did a black cat just walk underneath the ladder? Did you break a mirror? You now have seven years of bad luck.

I cringed as I listened to Caroline. Thinking I don’t look good in black. Spell. Believing women over 40 can’t lose weight. Spell.

Here’s what is not a spell: I am five feet, three inches tall. Here’s another … I was born in New Orleans.

Spellcasters don’t have to be witches either. It can be Ms. Middleton, my well-intentioned high school teacher, who was only trying to help. It can be your mom. Your best friend. Your spouse. Spellcasters can have your best interest at heart. Really. Or so they think.

Recently my husband and I attended a school event. We ate lunch with our daughter. Her friend’s parents couldn’t come, and we invited the child to join us. We laughed. Joked. Then it was time to leave.

Later that evening my daughter reported, “Sylvia told me some things about you.” “What?” I asked. You know about curiosity and the cat.

“She said dad is bald and you are a little wide in the hips.” Ouch. Cats are part of spell casting magic. And to think I had been feeling pretty good about my appearance. As much as I tried not to let them, the spell of a nine-year-old girl’s words stung. A child speaks, and I ask, “Are my hips that wide?”

The reality is…spells are cast all the time. Ricocheting from parents, friends, teachers, magazines, movies, commercials, the culture itself—you know, groupthink—and most of us are immediately spellbound.



Hollywood casts spells. TV casts spells. Fashion casts spells. Let’s talk about the popular TV reality show What Not To Wear. Hosts Jillian Hamilton and Clinton Kelly grab unsuspecting victims turned in by friends or family who are only trying to help. Jillian and Clinton give it to them about their lack of fashion sense.

And Jillian and Clinton are NOT nice. They put Little Janie in a room with surround mirrors. Talk about my worst nightmare. They have Little Janie try on her awful clothes and tell her why she looks so terrible. They then send spellstung Little Janie off with $5,000 to get her new look.

When she returns, Janie is told why everything she selected using their rules and expert advice works for her. “See Janie. The flared leg is so much more slimming.” Little Janie, who is now smiling and so pleased with her self, nods in agreement. “Remember those slim cut jeans you used to own. You know the ones we threw in the trash? They made you look 10 pounds heavier.”

Scriiiiitch. Slim cut jeans are back! What does Little Janie do now? Little Janie looks fat in slim cut jeans. The spell has been cast. And the spell has been accepted. How can Janie believe anything else? The famous TV Fashion People told her she looked fat in slim cut jeans.

Even though I don’t know a spell to counter a spell, I do know a place to begin—a way to stop at least one spell. It’s black-t-shirt-buying time. That’s what time it is. And after that it’s time to wear my black t-shirt. And you know what? I’m going to look damn good in it too. Poof. Spell be gone.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.happilyeveraftertoday.blogspot.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/

Beyond Bad Hair

I love to walk into a bookstore and then wait for a book to find me. And you know, 'it' always does. On this particular trip with hubby and daughter in tow, a book titled The Merry Recluse caught my attention. The book is a compilation of mostly reprints from a weekly Boston Phoenix column written by the late Carolyn Knapp. I first experienced Caroline's work when I read Appetites: Why Women Want.

Caroline, like Anne Lamont of Traveling Mercies shares openly the chapters of her life. I mean, she tells it all—good, bad and the ugly, and everything in-between. Caroline had so many demons, but the ones that plagued her the most were food and alcohol. Eventually, Caroline died of cancer in 2002. She was only 42 years old.

The other day, one essay grabbed my attention. Actually, she intended to make us laugh with this one. But as I read it, I wasn't laughing. The words were laced with pain. In “Beyond Bad Hair: Thin Lips, Square Breasts, and Other Horrors" Caroline shares things that plagues most women. She claims having a bad hair day is the least of our worries.

She shared plenty of other examples with us:

*Why-are-these-pants-pinching-me-around-the-waist Day. (Been there, done that.)
*My-lips-are-too-thin Day. (Can’t say that I own that one.)
*Since-when-have-my-pores-been-so-cavernous Day. (Oh, yes … definitely been there.)

Although I don't have all the same thoughts or moments, I do understand what she's saying. And I bet that most women reading her book or this article do too.

My recent beyond-bad-hair-day moments go something like this...

*My-face-is-swollen-and-my-eyes-are-puffy Day
*Where-did-those-new-wrinkles-come-from Day
*When-did-I-start-growing-gray-hair-on-my-arms Day (That happened yesterday.)

Probably the one that tickled me the most was Caroline’s mention of the: Oh-no-I-missed-a-patch-of-hair-on-my-knee Day. Okay, so I seem to have more of those than I care to mention.

And then it slaps me right in the face ... and Caroline has the perfect ending to it all. "God, it's hard to be a girl!" Amen, Caroline. Amen.

It is hard to be a girl. I'm ready to play another game now. So here's to trying especially hard to put this beyond-bad-hair thinking to rest. Really, I'm not listening anymore. Remember what I wrote last week?

Yep, it’s hard to be a girl, but today it just got a whole lot easier. And I’ll be the first to admit I’m SO not there yet, but baby, I’m getting closer with each passing day. Now, that’s something to celebrate.

Oh Where Oh Where Did My Mean Voice Go?

Oh where oh where can She be?

She’s still hanging around, but her power is diffused. Remember, it took me six years to get her under wraps. Here’s hoping that you have a much shorter ride.

Remember it’s not about quieting the mind. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying Sogyal Rinpoche says: “By its very nature, the mind cannot be still—cannot be silent. Thus the dichotomy—and the frustration—the creation of another self inflicting weapon of inadequacy.”

What did I do? First I became aware. Yes, it’s been established that I had a Mean Voice—a powerful mean voice—at work in my life. What about you? Did you take the Self-Bash challenge?

Step Two: Create Replacement Statements.

For the mean voice change things like:
"I am stupid" to “Life is all about learning.”
"I am fat" to “I’m making healthy choices now.” If you are not, though, don’t use this one.
Maybe instead say: “Acceptance is the first step.” Or, “I like me.” Or, if you can’t say you love yourself, then you can think more about the function of your body. “My body is my friend.”

The key is choice. Don't grapple with your inner critic. Simply notice her fully, and then choose to redirect your awareness—or not.

Mean Voice taming takes time and effort just like improving your ability to paint or play tennis. The good news is…practice works. If you keep at it eventually the mean voice will be background white noise and you will become an expert in inserting your replacement phrases.

So, it is worth it to take on your Mean Voice? YES. YES. YES.

What’s waiting at the end of this road?

As far as my own personal journey…
Identifying and then taming my own mean voice was the first step I took towards living the life I desired. I slowly, but surely stopped second guessing myself.

When you stop being directed by your mean voice, which can happen I promise, you are happier and more at peace. Stopping the onslaught of negativity meant I could finally have the confidence and COURAGE to move forward towards my own goals and dreams. And I did. With each step I grew stronger and more directed.

Life Coach Sondra Kornblatt claims:
“While your Critic won't disappear, you can change your relationship to it. Instead of being an inescapable wall, you learn to see your Critic as boulders (rocks, stones) in a field. You can move around or climb over them! Your true self finds its flow.”

What’s next? After you clean up your inner critic, then you can begin to tap in to your intuition—you can hone your ability to “hear” your internal guidance and walk the path you were put here to take. Oh, another great topic for later!

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com

Mean Voice Go Away Come Again Another Day

Before I begin the act of telling you how I managed to overcome the mean voice inside my head, I want to share with you something I wrote about five years ago. It's my hope by sharing the story, you might see yourself. If you see yourself, then it is also my hope that you believe the mean voice can be tamed. As I blog on this topic, I'll be talking about how to rid yourself of the meanest person you know — your own Mean Voice.

Okay, so I'm not ready to give you the keys to my journal (oh dear way too private), but I can at least give you a snapshot of how tortured I was by the mean voice.

Here's a short essay I wrote after Christmas one year.

Family photo from 1968...

I love visiting my family. I really do. And the older I am the better it gets. Still plagued by the “mean” voice, though, I’m not completely comfortable once there. My mean voice says things like, “Yep, I knew it. My sister looks better than me. Thin. Able to wear tight jeans.”

Thank goodness with each passing year the mean voice gets less and less attention. And it just so happens that I don't care as much about my physical appearance anymore. Oh this doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw in the towel—no, I still regularly play tennis and walk or jog five times a week.

I’m simply finding contentment. But I say that, and yet I’m still tortured. As I roll out of bed and glance at my hands I say, “Yep, just as I thought…swollen.” I chide myself for failing to remain on the low-carb fare in preparation for the visit. Looking in the mirror, I fuss at my face. “Fat. Yuck. Control yourself. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Then, I start with the promises. “Next time. Next time.” And finally I realize how hopeless my optimism is. Suddenly I’m tired and angry. Feeling fat makes me snap—makes me grouchy. But despite the unwelcomed arrival of the mean voice, I still laughed. I still smiled. Better yet, I left feeling more loved than not.

Even with my tortured experience others told me I looked radiant and beautiful. Graciously I accepted, but deep down didn’t believe them. Regardless love and laughter flowed to and from me and all the while I felt a profound connection to many people, some related some not. This week I loved them all and this week I felt they all loved me back—faults, mean voice and all.

Stay tuned. We'll continue on this thread for a little longer.

Keeping Blankety Blank Promises to My Self

I know. I know. I promised to talk about humiliation this time.

But keeping promises to myself got in the way again. You'll recall, a few posts ago, I talked about this promise-keeping business. I made a vow. And let me tell you, I take vows seriously. While hanging around in an airport, not by choice mind you, I discovered what I thought was a key piece to ending self-bashing once and for all. (To read that post first, click here.)

After that epiphany I made a pledge. Drum roll, please.

I pledged to stay on a health program for thirty days. What I didn't say before is that I also pledged to give up things I love, including Diet Coke. My new mantra explains my desire: "Nothing outside of myself controls me." I didn't want to need caffeine. I didn't want to have to have a Diet Coke for things to be okay (first thing in the morning, at break, at lunch, at...well, you get the picture).

Last weekend, I made a pre-meditated decision to break my promise to myself. I tossed all the rules out the window and purchased the BIG BAD THREE—Diet Coke, alcohol and chips. And my splurge was Fabulous! My Saboteur stepped in and sealed the deal. I had a Diet Coke with my pre-dinner snack of chips. And drank wine with supper. Some of you are thinking so what? The what is I made a promise to not buy or consume the BIG BAD THREE for thirty days. I was working on day number 18. I will not tell you about the following Monday. Let's just say...tennis ladies event, we weren't on the courts and it involved a restaurant.

Before I continue on...I also want you to understand that I believe in moderation and not the complete banning of everything I enjoy FOREVER. It's just that I made this promise. A stupid promise. A promise I now know I couldn't keep.

Okay so here's how the old routine would go after falling off the proverbial wagon, "You suck. You're terrible. You're twisted. What's your freakin' problem?" I'd also throw in a few slams about how I looked too.

I waited. And waited. But the self-bashing never came. Hmmm. I thought this self-loathing business was because I couldn't keep promises to myself. Yep, I definitely broke a promise. Hmmm. Maybe it's not that simple.

This time after walking backwards, I responded differently. My response contains the answer. Instead of calling myself names, I asked questions. "Wonder why I did that? Wonder why I took two steps forward and one step back? What is the trigger? And how do I make it stop? How do I truly step into the idea that nothing outside of myself controls me?"

So what changed?

Then it hit me. I realized, wow, I am still making progress and I am still moving forward in the direction of health. If I looked back to 18 days previously, I was a person who allowed things outside of herself to control her. Fast forward to my new reality. Wow. I don't have to drink Diet Coke all day anymore. My home-made lemonade concoction and plain old fashioned water suit me fine.

I skipped self-bashing, self-loathing and immediately jumped to, "but look...I didn't drink Diet Coke for 18 days. I feel better because I haven't had any alcohol for that long." (Well, it was 18 days without, if you forget the glass of wine I had while in the hot tub.) I even caught myself repeating Scarlett O'Hara. "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

And then came yet another "aha" moment. It was a key piece that I didn't find on my way to Chicago. The key is not to swear away every detail. Don't make proclamations like, "I will NOT do this for this many days." All you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. Instead make sweeping, global, grand promises. Like, "I will make healthier choices." So the vow becomes a general statement..."I will make healthier choices. I will be more loving. I will be more forgiving. I will take action."

The key is the "big picture" statement. Forget perfection. It's the continued practice that moves us in the right direction. Also important are how you classify the "how-to's" like no diet coke, less wine, no chips. The how-to's are the guidelines—not the vow.

That's why I didn't turn to self-bashing this time. I'm still on course to being healthier. For the most part, I am making healthier choices. And now I can say, "Nothing outside myself controls me," and mean it. Yes, I still might want the things I have deemed not healthy, and I will have them occasionally. But I don't have to have them to function. I no longer waste energy thinking about how to get them anymore...when I don't have them.

What's the next step. We keep our promises to ourselves by staying true to the overall objective and by not getting bogged down in the rules (guidelines). And when we take a few missteps (meaning we break a guideline), we stand up dust ourselves off and we continue to keep plugging away by jumping back in the wagon and continuing what we've started.

Next time...we'll tackle humiliation. Now that's a fun one.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. We're launching a brand new on-line community for moms and girls this spring. I'll be giving you details soon. It will be much more interactive than QueenPower.com. You'll be able to blog, comment and chitchat on our forums. You'll be able to add photos and video to your personal pages. There will also be the opportunity to organize your own groups within our community. For example, we're looking for someone to run our book club group for moms and daughters. Oh and incase you don't think your computer skills are up for it...you'll be pleasantly surprised. It's very easy to join and use!

For any writers who subscribe to QueenPower.com, we are looking for bloggers on subjects relevant for moms and girls. If you an interest, please email me.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin. Fun or Fattening?

Today's blog is something I wrote last year. But it goes along with the last post. Because although I am in a better place, making better choices about food and nutrition, I still love movie popcorn! If I go to the movies, I can't resist. And let's face it. Movie popcorn isn't my only challenge.

Update: Okay, I'm still a work in progress, but I am maintaining the new weight and keeping up the exercise regime. The most difficult challenge comes at night. But I am working on creating new patterns of behavior to help me avoid those times when I simply want to snack on something crunchy, like...ahem...popcorn, or drink those empty calories. Aaaggghhhh.

On that note read about a movie going experience and an epiphany I had last year.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin

My cousin and I get a chance to go to a grown-up’s movie, a rare treat for moms. No Cars. No Ice Age 2. No Over the Hedge. We can pick a REAL movie. A movie just for us. We pick "The Devil Wears Prada."

“We’ve got to have popcorn.” Sheryll says. “It’s part of the experience.”

I agree. Popcorn, even at top dollar, is a theater MUST. At the popcorn-ordering counter we debate. Small? Medium? Large? I step up to the plate. “We’ll share a medium-sized popcorn.”

“Butter?” the popcorn guy asks.

Butter? My daughter Addy adds butter. I don’t add butter. Butter is full of bad things. Butter kills. I never eat popcorn with butter. NEVER. Dripping, hot, creamy butter? No. No can do. Don’t do butter. Can’t do butter. Okay, I will not lie. I’ve tasted it. When Addy orders butter, I eat half. Oh, butter. But adult women don’t eat butter. Sheryll wouldn’t want butter. Sheryll wouldn’t even like butter. I am confident. Adult women don’t eat butter.

“No butter,” I say.

“What?” Sheryll sounds horrified.
I think she is appalled at the thought of adding butter. I promise I don’t want butter. No butter. “No butter. No butter.”

We have to do this right,” Sheryll says. “We HAVE to have butter.”

I grin.

“Do you want it layered?” Popcorn Guy says. “You know, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter?”

Sheryll and I smile. Popcorn Guy gets it. He totally gets it. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Good. Um. Good. Um. Good.

We watch the movie. We laugh. We eat. We lick our fingers. About halfway through the movie, fashion editor Nigel is disgusted by the excess weight of young, naïve Andy. “You are a size 6. That’s the new 14,” Nigel says. I laugh. I eat more butter. I lick my fingers. I don’t want to think about what size my butter-eating-popcorn-self is.

Later in the movie a character called Emily talks about how she lost weight. “I don’t eat,” she says. “When I feel faint I have a cube of cheese. Works like a charm.” Licking my fingers, I laugh. But deep down inside I don’t laugh.

Emily starves herself. Denies herself. Her level of denial cuts much deeper than anything I could ever muster. She looks good. We would all like to look so good. I bet she wears a size 2. Does that translate into the new size 10? She starves herself because she wants to look great in Paris.

Ah, Paris. The place she yearns to go. Paris of the future. Unreachable Paris. But darn it, despite the self denial, she never makes it to Paris. She sacrifices. She suffers. She gets sidetracked by a head-on car collision. I get it. I finally get it.

All my life I’ve denied myself the butter. The real butter. Why? My trip to Paris comes in other forms. I want to look good. I want others to think I’m in control. I want others to think I have my act together. But for so long I have believed I can only have the happy-ever-after if I’m the right size. So far my Paris hasn’t come. But at the Malco Grandview in Madison, MS, I reach a decision. I don’t need a car crash to totally get it. Whether my over size 6 translates into over the new 14—at this point I don’t really care—my butterless popcorn days are over.

And from now on, it’s not going to be just popcorn with butter. It’s going to be layered.

*****

Do I still eat buttered popcorn? Yep, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. What saves me is that I rarely go to the movies! :) But that's not the point. This weighing, healthy living thing is not about denial. It's about making good choices 80 percent of time.

Enjoy your holidays. Don't overstress about weight, eating or merriment. Enjoy and do the best you can at the moment you are faced with choice. If you do make what you consider a bad choice, don't beat yourself up. And don't make promises you can't keep. Simply live and enjoy being with those you love.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. The other day the president of a company who sells Stevia sent me a sample of their products to try in my lemonade. I will be testing soon and after Christmas will let you know how it all turned out. I'll give you all the details just in time for all those New Year resolutions we'll be making!

Take Off Diverted

I’m ready to confess I’ve been in a long holding pattern.

While in this place, I have read many books and spent hours thinking about what’s next for me and for the organization.

AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE STORY…

I’ve found yet another Maria Nemeth’s book. The title is: "Mastering Life’s Energies: Simple Steps to a Luminous Life at Work and Play". BTW, I love her work so much I’m considering taking her training/certification classes starting early in 2008.

In the book she asks us, “Are you willing to live your life with clarity, focus, ease and grace?” Do I see a showing of hands? My hand is up. Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s my plan. For the most part, since writing my first book, I have created an easy life for myself.

Check off ease. But what about the other three?

Let’s take clarity—something I haven’t had for about nine months. Actually, I relate the “derailing” to my juror experience. If you are curious, click on the URL below:
That’s when the fog rolled in. Living in fog made me do some bad things (got to blame something or somebody besides me, right?). Being confused meant I made commitments I couldn’t keep. I found myself doing something I rarely did in the past. I broke promises. More times than not, what I thought was a new direction was a step off course. I corrected and adjusted, saying I'm sorry as I plodded along, but still I couldn’t ‘see’. Maria calls it “driving in the fog”.

I continued on anyway trusting something that Maria also says, “When you see clearly what is before you, you will know in your heart what to do.”

I stopped making promises. Obviously, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make commitments. When you are “driving in fog,” you can be misled by invitations that seem exciting, lucrative or safe simply because when fog sets in your intuitive abilities usually diminish. You go after things for “obvious” reasons and use logic to explain why you are doing something. Using this method gets you do crazy things like: fall for the “get-rich-quick” scheme, “take-the-full-time-position-because-at-least-you’ll-have-money-even-if-you-hate-it” job, or “you-are-crazy-not-to-do-this-because-you-will-miss-out-on-the-gravy-train” opportunity. While “driving in fog” you are more likely to make bad choices. Period. The End. If you are “driving in fog”, it’s time to cease and desist embarking on new endeavors until clarity returns.

How do you solve the “not-seeing-clearly” problem? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask. :) It took me months to overcome the recent storm. But this storm was different. This time I was not tortured by my old fears of the past like:
1. Can I make or create something?
2. What am I supposed to do with my life?
3. How will I earn enough to eat?

Those are issues, I have mastered and overcome. If you are still hanging around in that territory, it’s okay. You can learn to overcome too. Read my first book. I suggest my book because that’s how I turned my life around. I can only advise you from my own experience. The material I wrote about in the book changed my life. (http://www.allynevans.com/books.html).

Then check out other recommending reads (http://queenpower.com/recommended.html)
on our list. If you don't want to buy any of the books, that's okay. Ask your librarian to order them (if they are not in stock at your library). This ways others will benefit too and it doesn't cost you a dime.

Of course, you’ll need to add Maria’s latest book: "Mastering Life Energies" to the list.

BACK TO THE STORY…
This time, my visibility problems didn’t cause me troubles or sadness. Throughout, I felt content. On the other hand, I felt frustrated by my lack of clarity. I knew eventually the fog would lift. What did I do while waiting? I focused on “present moment” living. And in my spare time I read books. I searched for answers and teachers.
And one day the fog lifted. The day was September 21, 2007.

Now I need time to gather my thoughts because I’m about to be off and running! Hate to leave you hanging, but as you might have noticed...the fog just lifted a few days ago!

More later…

Royal blessings and reign on,

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

Check out Nicole’s most recent blog about doing things that make you happy. http://www.myjourneytothequeendom.blogspot.com/.

P.S. If you want to check out my Amazon Short about my juror experience—you know the experience that kicked off the downward spiral—feel free to do so. They cost 49 cents. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the stories by other Amazon Short authors. It’s a wide offering of fiction and nonfiction. Plus you can’t beat the price!

Here’s the link, if you are interested. I’ve been told by reviewers that it is also a good lesson for parents and children.
http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-People-Perform-Unthinkable-Acts/dp/B000PAU32U/

Who Needs Enemies?

I recently said some nasty things to a very dear friend. I knew she'd take it hard. She always does, but I couldn't stop myself. When I saw her, I unleashed. "What is your problem? Stupid. Stupid. What is wrong with you? Why did you say that?" As I think back over it, I didn't say one kind word. Not one. What's worst, is that I kept after her for days. I couldn't let it go. I have yet to apologize either.

The dear friend was me.

About five years ago, I read an article challenging me to pay attention to my negative self chatter. I took the challenge not expecting to find much. Talk about a major wake up call. The self-abusive prattle was nonstop. I said terrible things to myself all day long and not only that I believed them.

On the day I made this discovery, I pledged to change my inner dialogue. For the most part I have. There are still times I find Her hammering away at me. But I notice now and counter with new thoughts I have created to replace the "self-hate" talk. If you want to transform your life, begin with your inner dialogue.

www.allynevans.com
www.queenpower.com