Friday, August 22, 2008

Nothing Outside My Self Controls Me

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So what have I been doing this summer? Mostly I took time off. That’s what I try to do when my daughter is out of school. I did work on finishing the next book in my spare time.
Although what appeared on the surface to be a most unproductive summer I got through the first draft of my manuscript and now am in the middle of rewrites with my editor.

Yes, I did stop and celebrate.

But something even better happened. Do you remember my affirmation about not allowing things outside of my self to control me? If I’d give you the keys to my journal, you’d see that I struggled all summer long with all those things outside of me. I wouldn’t drink Diet Coke, then I would. I wouldn’t drink alcohol, then I would. I wouldn’t eat chips (or all those wonderful tasty “bad-for-you” foods) and then I would.

And if you were holding all my journals, you’d discover I’d been writing about “those things” controlling me for thirty something years. You read right. Thirty something years.

Finally I can say and mean it: “Nothing outside myself controls me,” which has led to an even greater feat—no more self bashing. Again you read right. And a new place of being for me. Ahhh. It feels good. So good.

On the magic day ...What magic day? ... There was no magic day….

It simply happened. Nope. No anniversary date. I can’t tell you at what exact moment “it” happened. And although it might reek of something “happening overnight,” please recall the reference to my journals. NOT.

This releasing has taken many prayers, books, conversations, essays and more prayers. But more than that this releasing took years—many, many years.

In the next few posts, I’ll share what I did including books that have helped me find my way.

But for now, all I want to do is enjoy the remaining days of my summer. Yes, I think I'll take a swim! Happy diving.


Carolyn Howard-Johnson said...

Oh, this blog entry should touch home for just about everyone, Allyn! We all do it. I once stayed off all sugar (including fruit!) for 2 1/2 years. But one bow of raspberries I ate in Florence did me in. Mmmmm. That's what I've been telling myself. Now I'll quit blaming the raspberries. And Florence!

Carolyn Howard-Johnson
Award-winning author of This Is the Place, Harkening and a chapbook of poetry, Tracings

Allyn Evans said...

I love Florence. When in Florence all rules are made to be broken. :)

What I love about my new way of being is that I still enjoy those things I love. They simply don't control me. That's a major shift. I can take them or leave them without angst.

Yea for me!