Live a Powerful Life

Living in the Unfolding of Now

2011-04-10T10:51:00.005-05:00

I do my best to live in the moment that is in front of me—to appreciate what is before me.

Most challenging are the times I find myself delayed at an airport, trapped in a conversation that I don’t want to have, or wanting to be doing something else.

I believe a disconnect occurs when we have a future orientation. Yes, I understand the future orientation intimately. I lived there for many, many years.

I’m questioning, now, if I still do? I’m not quite sure how to separate what’s happening now and knowing that something fun and exciting is on the horizon that I can’t stop thinking about.

I do believe there is a difference between disassociating where you are in the moment versus being hopeful or interested in a future event.

I do work hard to give the people in my life, at a particular moment, my undivided attention and focus.

This brings to mind the cocktail party setting—where you see the person surveying the room looking for the better deal. But even the best of us more than likely struggle when finding ourselves in a similar situation stuck talking to the person who is boring us to tears when we see someone else who would make us laugh or feel better.

Just the other day, I was presenting to a group of students. I was enjoying the moment, but happened to look at the clock. “Oh dear, I need to finish this so I can go do what I really want to do.” I had a schedule. I needed to leave and any delay would interfere with my fun. These are the times I attempt to reign the future back in and return to present moment living. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not.

As mentioned before, my most challenging times are those airport delay situations and similar. I really hate not being in control of what I am doing and when. I know…doesn’t sound like the best candidate for present moment living. I have, though, gotten better. So much better in fact, that not too long ago, I received an email from an airline carrier apologizing for inconveniencing me. I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. Although, if they had delayed me overnight or something—I most certainly would have known.

Maybe just trying to live in the moment is a major step forward. So for now, I will continue to do my best. I will continue to not beat myself over it when I can’t seem to go there. Yep, l have much practice to do.

On the same theme...below is one of my favorite articles on the subject (2009).

New Year's Resolution: To Be More Present

This year I decided on the perfect resolution: to live happily in the moment no matter the circumstances.

The resolution was so perfect I had already begun speaking about it in presentations. Living in the moment can be hard to do—think holiday travelers stranded at airports and train stations. Most of us relive the past or pine for a better future. I didn’t even understand the concept until I was in my 40s, and I was going to make sure 2009 was going to be the year when I focused on the present.

That is, until my daughter Addy took the dog-sitting job, which required me to be the designated driver.

“Let’s sit in the hot tub tonight,” Addy said. The doggy momma owned a fancy hot tub, which she had offered to us.

“Good idea!” I said. It was blustery and cold. Soaking in the hot tub sounded like fun.

We arrived at 6:30 p.m., checked on the dog, put our belongings on the kitchen counter and then went outside to the tub. As I was about to step in, I realized I still had the thank-you-for-my-Christmas-present note I had meant to leave inside.

Addy jumped into the hot tub as I headed for the backdoor. I turned the knob. It didn’t turn. The door was locked. “It’s still 2008,” I yelped at the intractable door. I wasn’t ready to face my new resolution yet, but what choice did I have. Plus, I had an impressionable witness.

And there I stood clad only in my swimming suit in 28-degree weather with our shoes, coats and my car keys locked securely in the house.

Fortunately I also had my cell phone. I could have called someone to pick us up, but I had left my spare house key in my own house. My friends who did have a key to my house were out of town.

I tried calling my hot tub friend, but I knew her plane wasn’t arriving until 8:20 p.m., if it did arrive on time in this time of many travel delays. I called my husband who was on his way home from an out-of-town trip. He wouldn’t make it for three more frigid hours.

Don’t tell my friend, but I thought about breaking down her door, but that solution didn’t appeal to Addy or me. We couldn’t think of anyone else to call. Who wants to be at someone else’s house in their swimming suits for three hours, even when the temperature is more favorable?

There was only one thing we could do. We threw up our hands.

At this point Addy said. “Okay, Mom. Let’s just enjoy the moment.” We had been talking about this lesson for some time now, and in the cold, in the dark, part of me was thrilled to know Addy had been listening to our discussions.

“You’re right, Addy,” I said, trying to set a good example while the idea of not knowing how long the hot tub ordeal would last unnerved me.

It was 8:20 when doggy friend texted me the number of the next-door-neighbor, who did have a spare key and after a good laugh came to our rescue. We had plenty of hot tub time, a good story for the retelling, and lots of practice of living happily in the moment. I have to admit I need lots more practice, which makes this 2009 resolution just right for me.

http://www.liveapowerfullife.com/
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Not Barbie, Not Married to Ken...

2011-01-22T22:08:00.004-06:00

But Something Much Better: ME

It was something Monique Marvez, author of Not Skinny, Not Blonde, said that got me going on this Not Barbie: Not Married to Ken kick.

It was so true. Just like Monique, I always wanted to be skinny. I always wanted to be blonde.

The real truth: I always wanted to be Barbie! Barbie had it all. She was beautiful, skinny, blonde and rich. She had a great house, great clothes, great car and always attended fabulous parties—at the beach, at the hotel.

And I’m sure I’m not the ONLY girl who had this dream.

But even better…Barbie had Ken. Ken. Ken the most handsome doll in all the land. I can’t tell you how many times Ken and I walked down the aisle in my imagination. I spent hours envisioning life with a perfect husband like Ken. There had to be a picket fence and 2.5 kids somewhere in that picture.

And then it happened. Being Barbie and Ken didn’t seem idyllic anymore. Barbie and Ken broke up. The break-up happened right before Valentine’s Day (can you imagine) in 2004. Supposedly Barbie—the most admired doll in the world—did the dumping (at least according to the AP wire). The two had been a pair for 43 years and without warning they were kaput, splitsville, finished.

A Mattel spokesperson told reporters, “They had grown apart." "Needed some time alone." "Were going their separate ways." "They would remain friends."

I couldn’t believe the news. Barbie. Ken. The end. But those two had ridden off into the sunset in their pink convertible. Not Barbie and Ken. No.

To make matters worse within a few months Barbie hooked up with a boy-toy surfer dude named Blaine.

I’m not sure who started the gay rumor. Poor Ken.

But reportedly, Ken took it like a doll—er man.

Instead of lashing out or seeking revenge, he sought to improve himself.

In 2006 (again I totally missed this announcement) the new Ken stepped out at a Manhattan news conference. The AP wire buzzed again, “The new and improved Ken sported a more rugged jaw line, wore cargo pants and listened to Norah Jones.”

Some reporter mentioned Barbie’s ex now rode a motorcycle while another claimed that Ken “dabbles in Buddhism.” Yet another reporter told her viewers the doll had taken cooking lessons and might help in the kitchen. But there was more. Ken, no longer content with being perfect, regularly worked out. Ken Doll returned to the scene buffed. Ken was now toting a six-pack.

Yet Barbie still hasn’t taken him back. She even tweated about it. “For the hundredth time, I promise I'm not with Ken! I'm very much single and actually talking to a new boy right now...”

What appeared to be a match made in heaven—two perfect people living two perfect lives—is all pretend. Finally I have seen the light.

Forget it Barbie. You may be beautiful, skinny, blonde and rich, but now I see who you really are—fake, fickle and hungry. No thank you. And Ken, sweet adorable Ken. I no longer pine for you, for what women in her right mind wants to be with a doll more beautiful than she? Oh yes. I now regularly shout my new mantra, “I am not Barbie and not married to Ken.”

Allyn Evans
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www.liveapowerfullife.com

2011-01-11T14:33:00.002-06:00

I decided to re-publish one of my favorites. Enjoy.

Hocus Pocus. Abracadabra. Remind you a little of Practical Magic? Witchcraft. Trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Forgive the drama, but unfortunately it’s true. Spells exist. Big spells. Little spells. We live in a world where spells are cast and someone falls prey.

You are probably right now under the influence of more than one spell.

Take a breath—it’s not life threatening. But it is serious. According to Caroline Myss a spell is a mental lock-in. She explained to her Hay House radio listening audience: “What if someone says, ‘You look terrible today?’ You accept the spell. Voilà. You feel terrible all day.”

Mrs. Middleton taught me speech and typing in high school. One day I wore a black t-shirt with jeans to school. She pulled me aside. “Allyn, I must tell you. You look sick when you wear black. Never wear black near your face.” Do I wear black against my face now? Do I have to tell you the answer to that question?

A spell is like a superstition:
“I can’t lose weight.”
“I can’t succeed.”
“I’m stupid.”

Here’s the deal. You have locked into a false belief. FALSE. A superstition. Did a black cat just walk underneath the ladder? Did you break a mirror? You now have seven years of bad luck.

I cringed as I listened to Caroline. Thinking I don’t look good in black. Spell. Believing women over 40 can’t lose weight. Spell.

Here’s what is not a spell: I am five feet, three inches tall. Here’s another … I was born in New Orleans.

Spellcasters don’t have to be witches either. It can be Ms. Middleton, my well-intentioned high school teacher, who was only trying to help. It can be your mom. Your best friend. Your spouse. Spellcasters can have your best interest at heart. Really. Or so they think.

Recently my husband and I attended a school event. We ate lunch with our daughter. Her friend’s parents couldn’t come, and we invited the child to join us. We laughed. Joked. Then it was time to leave.

Later that evening my daughter reported, “Sylvia told me some things about you.” “What?” I asked. You know about curiosity and the cat.

“She said dad is bald and you are a little wide in the hips.” Ouch. Cats are part of spell casting magic. And to think I had been feeling pretty good about my appearance. As much as I tried not to let them, the spell of a nine-year-old girl’s words stung. A child speaks, and I ask, “Are my hips that wide?”

The reality is…spells are cast all the time. Ricocheting from parents, friends, teachers, magazines, movies, commercials, the culture itself—you know, groupthink—and most of us are immediately spellbound.

Hollywood casts spells. TV casts spells. Fashion casts spells. Let’s talk about the popular TV reality show What Not To Wear. Hosts Jillian Hamilton and Clinton Kelly grab unsuspecting victims turned in by friends or family who are only trying to help. Jillian and Clinton give it to them about their lack of fashion sense.

And Jillian and Clinton are NOT nice. They put Little Janie in a room with surround mirrors. Talk about my worst nightmare. They have Little Janie try on her awful clothes and tell her why she looks so terrible. They then send spellstung Little Janie off with $5,000 to get her new look.

When she returns, Janie is told why everything she selected using their rules and expert advice works for her. “See Janie. The flared leg is so much more slimming.” Little Janie, who is now smiling and so pleased with her self, nods in agreement. “Remember those slim cut jeans you used to own. You know the ones we threw in the trash? They made you look 10 pounds heavier.”

Scriiiiitch. Slim cut jeans are back! What does Little Janie do now? Little Janie looks fat in slim cut jeans. The spell has been cast. And the spell has been accepted. How can Janie believe anything else? The famous TV Fashion People told her she looked fat in slim cut jeans.

Even though I don’t know a spell to counter a spell, I do know a place to begin—a way to stop at least one spell. It’s black-t-shirt-buying time. That’s what time it is. And after that it’s time to wear my black t-shirt. And you know what? I’m going to look damn good in it too. Poof. Spell be gone.

Allyn Evans
www.liveapowerfullive.com
www.allynevans.com

Do You Know Where You Are Going To?

2010-11-12T14:32:00.004-06:00

Last night I watched The Family That Preys featuring Kathy Bates as a socialite and well-to-do Charlotte Cartwright.

Near the end of the movie one of the characters (Alice) played by Alfre Woodward gives the eulogy at Charlotte's funeral.

Alice repeated something she often heard Charlotte say to her, "Are you living or just existing?"

I realized the minute I heard it. "Oh dear. Here comes an important message. Are you listening?"

I hope you'll give this question some thought. Maybe, for you, it's the right message at the right time.

Another powerful message delivered by Bates' character came through lyrics of song. Using the words from Lee Ann Womack's song "I Hope You Dance," Charlotte encouraged Alice to make fun choices.

Quite possibly the most haunting lines of the song are the key message: "Tell me who wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone." And just like Charlotte and Lee Ann, "I hope you dance." But I want to add one more ingredient to this recipe. "I hope you dance. Now."

Finding Your Own Good Witch Glenda

2010-09-25T17:56:00.004-05:00

This is a repeat, but indicative of the direction I am headed...

Several years ago, I made the decision to develop a greater awareness of my intuitive nature.

Although I have always been highly sensitive to the feelings of others, I wasn’t born with an elevated ability to interpret my intuitive whispers.

It took practice and time.

The key was trusting myself and acting on the messages I received.

The next move is to make a pledge. “I promise myself that I will take action based on the intuitive hits I receive.” When beginning the process, you are going to miss some of the hints along the way.

That’s life, and as is true with any new skill, you must practice. Simply recognize the misstep as soon as possible. Quite frankly, many of your ‘hits’ are going to blow right over you until you are ready to ‘hear’ them clearly.

Pay Attention to the Clues Dropped by the Queen Fairies. We’re often so closed off from our directives that we either don’t hear them or completely miss them altogether.

To make lasting change, you must make a declaration. By doing so, you are accessing the power of intuition. But, before you do, it is vitally important that you understand with this commitment comes the duty to act.

Simply asking to ‘hear’ more clearly doesn’t alter your current situation. It’s the acting on the inner promptings that change the course of your life. Yes, Good witch Glinda is speaking to you. She is reminding you of the silver slippers you are wearing.

As Nancy Sinatra so fittingly wrote and sang, these shoes (okay, so she actually said boots) are made for walking. Not stepping out shuts down the inner messages just as much as external noises. If you need support (and courage), form a team of friends to help you move forward.

Starting is the key.

"Turn around."
"Go to that store."
"Say hello!"
"Call Jane."
"Go to that meeting."

Whatever you hear, sense or know (we all experience different ways of communicating with ourselves) accept its value.

Don’t think your thoughts are crazy or unfounded. If you get the nudge to hug someone, do. If you get the urge to avoid a person, do that, too. Eventually, you’ll work up to strong feelings and sensations that either warn or prepare you to take the next move.

I no longer have to guess if I should collaborate with another person or not. Actually, fine-tuning this skill takes all the guesswork out of hiring. It significantly cuts out the need for extensive investigation. Whew! It’s something I know simply based on an interaction. I feel a certain way and I have learned to recognize those feelings.

I remember years back when I use to be unnerved by the security guard that regularly checked on our office. Something about him made my skin crawl. My reaction to his visits prompted me to never stay late without another person around. Although he appeared nice and presentable, on some level I sensed the danger.

Turned out this man had murdered someone. The security company missed this important little fact, but my higher self or inner knowing sensed danger.

Many people, me included, find answers in the quiet moments when your mind is still and the chatter is minimal. My best time to meditate or contemplate is in the morning immediately after waking up. That’s the time when you are the closest to a ‘dream-like’ state, which is highly conducive for communication with your higher self.

Other hints include being open to receiving answers and suggestions. Your messages could come from within or from others. Yes, the Queen fairies use other people, circumstances and physical sensations to inform you.

The main point is to recognize the need to pay attention. Your Queen fairies are all around you, dropping you little, essential hints continuously. Stay tuned. More to come soon.

With each passing day and year, those skills/abilities I wanted so badly are mine. It took focus, intention and practice. It's my desire to help you do the same.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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Rainbow Cloud!

2010-06-10T12:11:00.003-05:00

On the drive home from our vacation, we witnessed a beautiful sight! This was taken with my Blackberry phone.

The Art of War

2010-04-28T16:52:00.003-05:00

Ever read one of those life-changing books?

While in the early stages of trying to write my latest book I did. Thanks to my dad’s sister, my dear Aunt Kay.

She kept insisting I read The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield. Pressfield, turns out had written many books—at least one of them was a best seller.

Remember The Legend of Bagger Vance? No matter. I wasn’t the least bit interested. I knew how to overcome resistance. I had already written one book and had started another. And what about the stack of books I needed to read for research?

The way she described the book added nothing to the enticement. “It’s a book for artists—writers, painters, creators—who need help overcoming resistance. It’s written by some guy who writes historical fiction.”

No thanks. The book was solving a problem I didn’t have.

But she persisted. In the end, she handed me her copy. “It will only take one afternoon for you to read this.”

Finally I caved. I picked up the book and started reading.

The timing couldn’t have been better. Although I had been somewhat productive at the time (who am I kidding?), I still wondered about direction. I felt compelled to write a book for mothers of adolescent girls.

But I found myself constantly questioning. “What do I know? What do I have to tell? Why does anyone care what I have to say? Why do this?” These questions stopped me. These questions identified as resistance by Pressfield prevented me from doing the work. Basically I had stopped writing because of excuses. When I did write, I couldn’t find the words.

Pressfield asked us, “Have you ever brought home a treadmill and let it gather dust in the attic? Ever quit a diet, a course of yoga, a meditation practice? …

Have you wanted to be a mother, a doctor, an advocate for the weak and helpless; to run for office, crusade for the planet, campaign for world peace, or to preserve the environment?”

While reading I found myself nodding my head. Yes. Yes. Yes. He continued, “Then you know what Resistance is.”

Oh yes, I do. I most certainly do. Before ending his take on things he shared this…

One night I was layin’ down,
I heard Papa talkin’ to Mama.
I heard Papa say, to let that boy boogie-woogie.
‘Cause it’s in him and it’s got to come out.

—John Lee Hooker, “Boogie Chillen”

And then nothing else mattered. Nothing. Yes this book was in me, and it had to come out.

There would be no stopping. There might be some slowing, but there would be no stopping.

“’Cause it’s in me. It’s got to come out.” That’s’ what had happened with my first book. To create more resistance, I convinced myself this time was different. I no longer wrote from pain. Writing without pain was a new experience. Confused, I mostly didn’t do anything. Countless battles went on in my head. “Write.”

“Oh, it’s summer. Take it easy.”

“Enjoy. Relax.”

“I’m behind. I need to work. What about money?”

Besides not writing I also was taking a hiatus from speaking and promoting my first book.

Something bad was about to happen. If I did not take up pad and pen (okay, pounding a keyboard is more accurate), I would succumb to resistance. The symptoms of resistance would find me. And then I would be writing from a new pain—the pain of not doing what must come out.

Pressfield called it feeling like hell. “A low-grade misery pervades everything. We’re bored. We’re restless. We can’t get no satisfaction.”

Truthfully, by the time I read the book misery hadn’t found me. I had been having way too much fun for misery to catch up.

Mostly I played. Work happened in small surges. Very small surges. As the months sailed by so did my deadlines.

Instead of writing, I shoved down the anxiety and did something else. Then along came the solution to a problem I didn’t have: The War of Art. Perfect timing. For on the verge of unknowingly trudging towards my unlived life I found redemption.

The book captured me. I nodded in agreement. The words were powerful. I was taken in.

Near the end of the book, Pressfield said: “Let’s ask ourselves like that new mother: What do I feel growing inside me? Let me bring that forth, if I can, for its own sake and not for what it can do for me or how it can advance my standing.”

This freed me. Something deep inside needed to come out. Resistance danced with me. Toyed with me. Tried to stop me. Resistance didn’t win. And that’s when I really started. That’s when what was in me came out.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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2010-02-27T22:30:00.004-06:00

Recently, I have been teaching teens and young adults how to be assertive and manage conflict in their lives.

As I am repeating the lessons, I am also reminding myself to use clear and direct communication with others.

For years, I didn’t do this. I found more comfort using a passive aggressive route, which meant if I wasn’t getting my needs or wants met, I’d find more manipulative ways to do so. Or even worse, I wouldn’t tell anyone and wouldn’t make any attempt—manipulative or not—to get my needs or wants met.

Now, when I realize it’s time to voice something, I find it much easier to do. I’m sure being older and more experienced helps.

As I told the over thirty students I visited with this past week: “Don’t wait to become assertive. Don’t wait to start communicating in a clear and direct manner. Start now. Take small steps. Begin now to build your assertiveness muscle.”

Tell the young people in your life this message. It will save them lots of heartache and pain.

http://www.allynevans.com/
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Cruising Again!

2010-02-19T18:19:00.012-06:00

It's official. I have been invited back to cruise again. My next trip will be in January 2011.

After being without my desktop for three weeks (can I say "computer virus!"), I finally found the opportunity to download more pictures. So before closing this chapter of my blog, enjoy the show!

My favorite beach: Governor's Island, Grand Turk.

Another fun time was on Princess Cays (Eleuthera Island). See our ship in the distance. We were dropped off and picked up by "tender" boats.

We visited the Butterfly Farm in St. Thomas. You can visit their website and find out how to attract more butterflies to your yard or garden. The trick is having a host plant and a food plant. The Butterfly Farm website lists plants and butterflies by region to help you.

Here I am speaking. It's my last presentation of the cruise. I did three 45 to 60 minute presentations.

It was my first, and will not be my last. I had a fabulous time on board the Emerald Princess!

Dreams Really Do Come True

2010-01-28T17:20:00.006-06:00

While sitting on the beach last week in Princess Cays, Bahamas, I turned to my mother and said, "Dreams really do come true."

In December 2008, I couldn't stop thinking about my desire to travel.

As luck would have it, a good friend had just recently met Daniel Hall. She shared his contact information with me and I downloaded his ebook about cruising for free a few days later.

I followed Daniel's directions and before I knew it I was approved to sail with Princess.

By May 2009, I had my trip scheduled!

What a fabulous experience. Everything about the ship and the crew exceeded all my expectations. Here's a photo of the name plate on my door. Guess you now know what my first name is!

My mother and I were assigned a room in the crew area. We had a nice place to reside with plenty of storage. :)

I spoke in the Princess Theater for one presentation (to left) and Club Fusion (below).

Personally, I can't wait to get back on board! And for all of you I met while speaking, I would love to hear from you.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
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Living in Oklahoma

2010-01-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

Ice, snow and more snow. Still have power! Since the ice has disappeared, think we'll be okay for this round. :)

Allyn Evans

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A Day In My Life

2010-01-10T15:50:00.007-06:00

It's unseasonably cold in Oklahoma. It's so cold that our pool has ice it in and we are working day and night to keep the water flowing and skimmer clear.

Enjoy the pictures. The middle one shows some of the ice we removed from the pool yesterday.

Also for fun, there is a YouTube video you might enjoy. It's about correcting a disorder for the annoyingly cheerful. Click here to enjoy!

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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My Favorite Dress

2010-01-02T11:46:00.004-06:00

“Homer, I was born for this."

In the movie October Sky when Homer expresses a desire to do something else, his Dad discourages him.

He then says, “It shouldn’t surprise you that you were born for it too.”

As the scene unfolded, Homer returned to his job at the coal mine. With his face covered in black soot, the son joined the other lifers in the elevator as they headed to work.

As I continued watching a replaying of October Sky, the story made me think about my own life.

No, I never ended up shoveling coal, but I listened to all the opinions of others about my life and how I should live it. So caught up in what others believed, I ignored my own desires and intuition—my own guidance system…my own feelings. I grew into an unsure adolescent taking my clues about how I should behave from others. Without a clear direction of my own, I lost myself.

In October Sky, Homer lost his way too. The analytical, scientific-minded son was different from his family. Homer didn’t quite fit.

Turns out, I didn’t fit either. I changed myself to fit the pre-cut pattern—the one purchased for me at the fabric store before I was born.

The pattern was perfect. The pieces were carefully sewn.

And then I was asked to wear it—a pastel dress with pink flowers and lace collar.

But, I yearned for a different dress, one made out of velvet and covered in dark, vibrant purples, gold and black hues.

Turns out, I ended up wearing the pastel dress for most of my life. By the time I gave myself permission to wear the dress I desired, it no longer fit.

My five-year-old self recognized a problem. At least my subconscious mind did and tried to warn me in my dreams. Nightly, my reoccurring nightmare frightened me. Walking down a narrow shrinking hallway, I found myself trapped. At the end of the hall I discovered a locked door. Banging frantically on the door, I screamed: “Let me out! Please, let me out.”

The dream told the story. With each passing day I would shrink becoming less of the person I was destined to be. Locked out, I would remain small, contained and not myself. With each step, I hid the shadow parts and became someone that I was not.

For survival purposes, those parts had to disappear. It was more important to be a good little girl than to be myself.

And, who I was, by my very nature and the place I found myself, wasn’t quite right. My parents, family and friends were victims too. They all bought into the cultural belief that I had to be trained in order to fit, just as they themselves had been trained.

I remember several years ago watching the latest winner of American Idol sing on the Ellen DeGeneris Show. Fantasia Barrino, a talented performer and singer, shared her self doubts. During her appearance on the show, Fantasia shared, “I’m happy that people like me being me!” And, that’s when I finally got it. The most important thing for us to do is to be ourselves while having the courage to live an authentic life. That’s the key that unravels everything—peace, joy, abundance, health.

With each passing year, I have moved towards myself.

Sappy movies always have a happy ending and the one featuring Homer was no different. The young man held on to his beliefs and took a stand.

Homer eventually said to his Dad, “The coal mine is your life. It’s not mine.”

And so now I, too, know the truth. My favorite dress will be made of velvet--with beautiful hues of purple and gold. I’ve been making it for a long time now. It’s almost ready to be worn.

May you find joy, peace and prosperity in 2010.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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Celebrating The Holidays With Ease

2009-12-19T16:14:00.007-06:00

Introducing...our lovely, beautiful tree...a view from the street.

In November, I made a presentation to some employees of Chesapeake Energy. The topic. De-stressing the Holidays.

Wished I had already solved my Christmas tree dilemma by then. It would have made a great slide!

And now for the back story...

It's been a busy two months. So busy in fact that my family and I couldn't schedule a day to buy the tree and pull out the decorations. I decided to put my own advice to work...about de-stressing and cutting back during the holidays, if life was too crazy.

Last weekend, and feeling a little desperate about the situation, we purchased a fake tree.

Since my daughter was about three, we've always had a live tree. We also decorate the house with all the ceramic and related holiday themed trinkets.

This year, we are sort of acting like the Kranks (well...at least in the beginning of the story). Although not actually "skipping Christmas," we aren't doing it up in our usual fashion.

So, this purchasing a fake something is a new thing.

And then I spotted it. The price was reasonable. It actually cost less than our annual live tree purchase.

"I'll take it," I said to the store clerk.

"Oh, that? The Charlie Brown tree?"

"Charlie Brown? Really? But I like it."

"Me too," my daughter said.

And so my daughter and I left the store with our Charlie Brown tree.

We put it up in 10 minutes. Ten minutes. I danced with glee for what seemed like hours!

From the curb at night, it looks like we have the most fabulous tree ever (see picture above). The reality is (in the light of day)...it really is Charlie Brown "ish."

See for yourself what I mean.

I don't know about you, but I love our Charlie Brown tree.

http://www.allynevans.com/
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The 29-Day Giving Challenge

2009-12-08T09:14:00.003-06:00

I wanted to share a post written by Prill Boyle with you. The story of Cami Walker will give you much to think about.

To read the story, click here.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

You Do Make a Difference

2009-11-13T16:38:00.009-06:00

Not too long ago, I had the opportunity to speak to 90+ Head Start administrators, teachers and assistants.

The person who invited me said, “Our staff do so much to help the children and their families and sometimes it gets overwhelming. Right now, I think they are exhausted.”

On the day of the event and right before heading to the lectern one of the organizers told me, “Last year we had an Elvis impersonator.”

Uh oh, I had taken a more serious approach to this assignment. Sure they would laugh some, but there would be no dancing, costumes and definitely no singing! I planned to lead them to inspiration by sharing hardship stories…mostly with happy endings.

I started by announcing I was no Elvis.

Well at least that got a good laugh.

And then I launched into my stories. One of the main points was to remind them they make a difference in the lives of children and families.

More times than not they will never know how much they impacted a child or her family. Remember George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life? George didn’t understand how valuable his life had been until Clarence Odbody, his guardian angel, granted him his wish.

“I wish I had never been born,” George said.

And with one snap of the fingers George’s life was erased and many other lives were changed.

His hometown of Bedford Falls became Pottersville named after a greedy old man named Potter.

The local pharmacist Dr. Gowder spent 20 years in prison for poisoning a child because George didn’t stop him. And his Navy pilot brother Harry did not shoot down the two Kamikazes who attacked a Navy transport and killed all men on board.

You get the picture. I wanted to make sure that the staffers from Head Start did too. So many times the good work you do, the kindness you spread will never be known by you.

You will not necessarily be told how uplifting it is to see your smile or that your kind words made someone feel better. You may never know that your example, your touch, your words stayed with someone and inspired them. You may never know this also impacted or will impact generations of people to come.

One of the contributors of Simple Truths tells of the story of a seminar participant who was so moved by her encouragement to tell those who inspired you how much you appreciated them, he vowed to find his 8th grade literature teacher.

After locating her address he sent a heartfelt letter stating how much he appreciated her. A week later his favorite teacher wrote him back.

She said, “You will never know how much your letter meant to me.” She also told him she was 83 years of age and that her family and friends were all gone. She said, “I taught for 50 years and yours is the first thank you letter I have ever gotten from a student. Sometimes I wonder what I did with my life. I will read and reread your letter till the day I die.”

When the student reported back to the workshop leader he said he was so surprised that she didn’t know how valuable she had been. He said things like, “She’s the one we talk about at reunions. She was our favorite teacher.”

At the end of my talk, I couldn’t help but bring up Elvis again. “So how did I compare to last year’s featured entertainer?” Several on the front shook their heads and a few mouthed consoling words: “Don’t worry.” “Wasn’t that good.” “You had nothing to worry about.”

Sorry Elvis. Back to the point…thank someone who has touched your life.

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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The Things We Do

2009-10-29T14:30:00.008-05:00

I can see it now. One hundred years into the future, there will be a woman who decides to write about the tortures women of the early 21st century endured.

She would be writing about what they did. "They literally punched holes in odd places. They punched holes in their earlobes. Not only this, needles were used. How crazy is that?"

She would also report that she discovered pictures of women with bellybutton, nose, lip and tongue rings.

"Some of them had multiple puncture wounds. Men did it too." She would report how interesting the diary entries were.

"I can find no medical reason for someone to do this. It appears to be purely a vanity issue."

She would also report on the body art. "Some people allowed tattoo artists, as they were called, to paint pictures on them, again with needles. Many seemed to take the subtle approach, but some covered themselves with body art."

As I thought about this woman who would write about us so many years in the future, I was pulling off my Solar nails. This made me think of corsets. Wasn't that about hundred years ago? And wasn't it crazy that women wore them?

Okay, so the corset deal was a lot worse. Right? You should see my nails! Oops. I just pulled off the top layer.

And then I start thinking about my week.

"I have an event to attend. I have to get my nails done. I’m serious."

These thoughts are running through my head. "I shouldn’t get my nails done on Monday. I need to allow more time to heal. Ouch! My nails are tender to the touch."

I'm still thinking, but now I'm talking out loud: "Gotta do them. Gotta get them done. I can’t go without the nails. Look at these nails. It will not hurt too badly. I’ll tell them to go easy. Gotta have my nails."

And then it hits me. "Oh no. The roots are showing."

Allyn Evans

http://www.allynevans.com/

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Following Your Heart

2009-10-18T17:12:00.004-05:00

In my latest book for mothers of tweens, Helping Our Daughters Live Powerful Lives, I take a lesson from the movie Ice Princess. Joan Carlyle, based on her own experiences, believes she knows what’s best for her daughter, Casey.

As an academician Joan has always pushed Casey in a similar direction. In the beginning her daughter plays along.

Near the end of the movie Casey tells a Harvard interviewer she must chase another dream.

Finally Casey realizes it is her heart that must decide what to do with her life...not her mom. She withdraws her name from consideration and has to break the bad news to her mother. Her mother doesn't take the news well.

They had worked so hard on this dream.

Harvard is it. Harvard is Casey’s ticket to her future. Casey, though, has a different dream. Casey is an ice skater.

“Casey, you can’t do this,” her mom says. “You are giving up on your dream.”

“No mom,” Casey says, “I’m giving up on yours.”

In a Judging Amy TV episode, Judge Amy is upset with Lauren, her pre-teen daughter. Lauren wants to try out for the cheerleading team. Judge Amy is dead set against it.

She says no, and gives no good reason for her decision.

She seems harsh and uncaring.

As I watched, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. Later we find out Judge Amy had not made her squad and felt rejected by her cheerleading peers.

To Judge Amy, cheerleaders were snobby and cruel. She wants to protect Lauren from a similar scenario. Lauren’s experience is different. To her, the cheerleaders are friendly and accepting.

It’s hard for others to not let their own hurts and pains color their recommendations and decisions. The bottom line is there are many, many people with many, many opinions, ideas, suggestions, laws and recommendations about how we should behave or act. No one else on the face of this planet—not even loved ones with best intentions—can take into consideration all the factors of a person striving to make decisions and to reach personal goals.

When we attempt to listen to well-meaning authority or support figures in our lives, we tend to get lost. What they might perceive as a “safe” bet, like Joan Carlyle, might be anything but for us.

As I tell my workshop participants, “You are the one that has to wake up to your life everyday.”

Something else I like to include and I'm paraphrasing the words of Caroline Myss. "Take the riskiest path you can find; the safest path is an illusion."

Allyn Evans
email me!
http://www.allynevans.com/

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A Box Too Small

2009-09-29T09:18:00.009-05:00

Over the last few weeks, I have been editing my first book. Yes, the book is getting a face lift! And hopefully will come out error free. Well...at least we'll make a really good go at it.

Below is an excerpt that is in keeping with our current theme.

I wanted to share with you because I thought it might be helpful for those of you still struggling with the "next" step.

Dream Excerpted from My Journal

As I was finishing up the duties assigned to me in my old life, I had a very revealing dream. A former boss opened his office door and asked me to look at the small box in the corner.

His office was completely empty except for this box that resembled a standard mailbox. He said, “Allyn, I want you to fit yourself in that box while I’m gone.” I agreed and said that I would do it for him. He closed the door and left.

I tried for a long time to fit myself in that small box but couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried the box just wasn’t big enough.

Marsha Sinetar, well-known career consultant and author once said, “Maybe this narrowing of life—the eroding of interests and hope—could be likened to being cooped up in a room that’s too small…The only thing that’s stopping you is you.”

How true both her thoughts and my dream turned out to be. My final breaking point was at the pinnacle of my professional life. Three months after being named in the "dream job" position, I declared, “No more!”

The pay was fabulous and the position was definitely good for my ego, but the job was choking the life right out of me. Adding to the pressure, I now had a two-year-old daughter that I suddenly had no energy to care for. It was all too much and with deep regret, I realized I had just eaten the wrong carrot.

The journey to finding what I was really looking for wasn’t over yet, but I was sure the heavens rejoiced—I finally got some of the message. Immediately I took back a part-time job I had at the college while I regrouped and rested.

Within fourteen months, I had started a home-based business and was making almost as much as I had made with my former job minus headaches, stress and fatigue. The business, a résumé writing and career consulting startup, was a perfect match.

I knew everything about preparing marketing materials, interviewing and convincing an employer to hire me. My knowledge came from my own experiences, numerous interviews and books. I emerged from all those seemingly dead-end paths as a career consultant. I had a tried and proven means to make money that was very practical and inexpensive to launch.

Besides that, I enjoyed the work and relished the opportunity to stay at home with my daughter.
After two years, though, the thought of writing another résumé from scratch was nauseating. To change things up a little, I added grant writing—finding a fairly easy way to add more money to my bottom line. That decision prolonged my home-based business for another six months, but by the time my daughter was scheduled to go to school full-time, I knew I had to change things.

Not interested in returning to a traditional job or a boss, I sought consulting jobs—short-term contracts and commitments.

As luck would have it, a nonprofit company needed an Interim Executive Director to fill in for nine months. I had the skills and was hired.

A deal was quickly sealed. The contract was part-time, but still provided the share that I needed to contribute to the family income. With income covered, I dropped all my other contracts with résumé and grant writers. I focused on myself. Finally, I was ready to follow my heart. But first, I had to figure out what my heart wanted.

It's my hope that you too can find a way to listen to your heart. Next post, I'll give suggestions on how to do just that.

Allyn Evans
email me!

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Escaping the Fog of Confusion

2009-09-03T13:57:00.004-05:00

There’s a book I read a couple of years back by Maria Nemeth titled Mastering Life's Energies. (Incase you are wondering, I am not affiliated with Maria's program.) And it’s also a book I recently sent to a friend who is struggling with the “what now” question. My friend is not happy at work and knows there is something more she is to be doing.

While reading one of her emails, I remembered the book and how it helped me. Then I mailed it to her.

And then as is typical for me, I accidentally ran across an article I wrote for subscribers to my Queen-zine two years ago. I want to share that article with you today.

In 2007, I wrote…

In the book Maria asks us, “Are you willing to live your life with clarity, focus, ease and grace?” Do I see a showing of hands? My hand is up. Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s my plan. For the most part, since writing my first book, I have created an easy life for myself.

Check off ease. But what about the other three?

Let’s take clarity—something I haven’t had for about nine months. Actually, I relate the “derailing” to my juror experience. Let's just say, the experience was NOT a good one. If you are curious, click here:
This turned into an Amazon Short article. It costs .49 to purchase and read.

That’s when the fog rolled in. Living in fog made me do some bad things (got to blame something or somebody besides me, right?). Being confused meant I made commitments I couldn’t keep. I found myself doing something I rarely did in the past. I broke promises. More times than not, what I thought was a new direction was a step off course. I corrected and adjusted, saying I'm sorry as I plodded along, but still I couldn’t ‘see’. Maria calls it “driving in the fog”.

I continued on anyway trusting something that Maria also says, “When you see clearly what is before you, you will know in your heart what to do.”

But first, I stopped making promises. Obviously, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make commitments. When you are “driving in fog,” you can be misled by invitations that seem exciting, lucrative or safe simply because when fog sets in your intuitive abilities usually diminish. You go after things for “obvious” reasons and use logic to explain why you are doing something.

Using this method gets you to do crazy things like: fall for the “get-rich-quick” scheme, “take-the-full-time-position-because-at-least-you’ll-have-money-even-if-you-hate-it” job, or “you-are-crazy-not-to-do-this-because-you-will-miss-out-on-the-gravy-train” opportunity. While “driving in fog” you are more likely to make bad choices. Period. The End. If you are “driving in fog”, it’s time to cease and desist embarking on new endeavors until clarity returns.

How do you solve the “not-seeing-clearly” problem? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask. :) It took me months to overcome the recent storm. But this storm was different. This time I was not tortured by my old fears of the past like:

1. Can I make or create something?
2. What am I supposed to do with my life?
3. How will I earn enough to eat?

Those are issues, I have mastered and overcome. If you are still hanging around in that territory, it’s okay. You can learn to overcome too. Read books! That’s how I absorbed most of my information. I have a recommended reading list. http://allynevans.blogspot.com/2006/11/about-me.html

If you don't want to buy any of the books, that's okay. Ask your librarian to order them (if they are not in stock at your library). This way others will benefit too and it doesn't cost you a dime.

But I disgress...

Let's return to the original question. How do you resolve the "not-seeing-clearly" problem?

Easier said than done. For most of us, it's about waiting. I usually chalk fog experiences up to bad timing or the need to wait. It can also be caused by not having all the facts or because you are not sure how you feel about something. Basically, you are in a holding pattern as you wait for all the pieces to come together.

So what are you to do? Besides waiting, you spend time contemplating and dreaming. You pay attention to everything that is around you, including your nightly messengers (dreams). And you keep waiting.

BACK TO THE STORY…

Just like most people, I felt frustrated by my lack of clarity. I knew eventually the fog would lift. It always does. But I also realized moving forward wasn't the right move. So, what did I do while waiting? I focused on “present moment” living. And in my spare time I read books. I searched for answers and teachers.

And one day the fog lifted. The day was September 21, 2007.

NEXT TIME…I’ll give you an update on 2009.

P.S. If you want to check out my Amazon Short about my juror experience—you know the experience that kicked off the downward spiral—feel free to do so. They cost 49 cents. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the stories by other Amazon Short authors. It’s a wide offering of fiction and nonfiction. Plus you can’t beat the price!

Here’s the link, if you are interested. I’ve been told by reviewers that it is also a good lesson for parents and children.

Allyn Evans

www.allynevans.com

I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD

2009-08-10T10:59:00.007-05:00

Today's featured guest is Chynna T. Laird. Chynna is the author of "I'm Not Weird, I Have SPD." To learn more about Chynna visit her websites: http://www.lilywolfwords.ca/ and http://www.lilywolfwords.blogspot.com/.

Enjoy her article posted below. We both love comments, feedback and questions.

My Sensational Child

When Jaimie was two-and-a half, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

We were both relieved and frustrated.

Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.

But we watched our daughter slowly slip away from us since she was three months old and knew something was wrong. She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.

We couldn’t take her anywhere too busy/loud/smelly/bright/etc. or she broke down or froze. Her diagnosis was a relief, then, because we finally had a name for what Jaimie struggled with. But it was still a relatively unknown disorder so we couldn’t get the right support. That was the frustrating part.

Before the SPD diagnosis, we fought to have people listen to us…to see that what Jaimie struggled with was deeper than just her reactions to things or her overt behaviour.

Something in her tiny little body made her fearful of the world around her and we refused to accept that it was “normal” or “spiritedness” and there just had to be other parents out there like us wondering, hurting and researching.

A lot of people call SPD an “invisible disorder” because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.

But Jaimie is real and so is her SPD. That’s why I chose to talk about our experiences with SPD—to reach out…to, maybe, help other families feel a bit better and less alone.

Since Jaimie was going for therapy, learning how to cope with her world and the people in it, shouldn’t those people in her world learn how to interact with her?

She’s like the other children around her in many ways. She loves drawing, crafting and going to the park. She loves swimming and playing with her siblings. And, boy, does she love learning. She just does things a bit differently. And that’s okay.

Jaimie is six-and-a half now and going into first grade in the fall. She still has a lot of the same struggles but she’s come a long way. What’s helped is the love and support she’s gotten from those around her. Knowledge is so important because it fosters understanding and that’s all we want for these children.

I may not be able to adjust the world to help Jaimie feel safe or hold her to make her feel better but I can teach others how the world feels to her and I can give her the tools to talk about it. After all, Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl—and she’s not invisible and neither is SPD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chynna Laird is a psychology student, freelance writer and author living in Edmonton, Alberta with her three daughters [Jaimie (six), Jordhan (four), and baby Sophie (one)] and baby boy, Xander (two and a half). Her passion is helping children and families living with Sensory Processing Disorder and other special needs.

You’ll find her work in many online and in-print parenting, inspirational, Christian and writing publications in Canada, United States, Australia, and Britain. She’s most proud of her children’s picture book, "I’m Not Weird: I Have SPD," which she wrote for Jaimie. In addition, she’ll have a memoir about raising a child with SPD out in August 2009 and a reference book about the Sensory Diet coming January 2010.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to WOW! Women on Writing for providing the introduction.
http://www.allynevans.com/

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2009-08-07T11:44:00.004-05:00

Whether you’re going on a business trip or a get-away with friends, unraveling yourself is hard if you are a caregiver. You must make arrangements for everything from who’s picking up Johnny or who’s dropping off Suzie, to planning what Johnny and Suzie are going to eat.

When I was trying to pull the pieces together for a March trip, I almost threw in the towel. I almost cancelled.

I went, but separation drama continued even after I reached my destination. Adding to my stress, my dogs had become escape artists soon after I left. My husband was out of town and I had to resolve the “dog break” incident from afar, all the time wondering, “What was I thinking?”

I am lucky. I have lots of support. My long-time friend with three kids under 13, a pressure-filled job and not-so-supportive husband emailed me a week before our scheduled departure, saying, “It’s not going to work. Too much to sort out. Better go without me.”

I understood. I questioned my own ability to go.

At just the right time, I read something written by a young mother. “Picture a white horse, mane in the breeze, splashing through rivers. Now imagine that same horse curled up in a ball in the corner of a shadowy stall. That horse is me,” she said.

She wrote she loved her current life and understood the role she was playing, but still she pined for the woman she had been: “I used to be the girl who spent midnights dancing around my car at red lights. I can’t remember the last time I was in a car without kids. I used to be outgoing and fun. Now I'm just settled and quiet. I used to help autistic kids. Now I barely see my own sister.”Her essay reminded me of myself only a decade ago. There were moments when it felt like I would be a mother of an infant forever.

Horse Lady said more: “I've been tamed, like a wild horse stuck in a muddy stall. Tamed by life. Routine. I'm not a routine person. I like change and messy spontaneity. I like the freedom to run when I want to, and not be held back by so many to-do's. I miss writing poetry and stories every day with enough passion to cover the globe. Too much to do. Work. Cleaning. Cooking. Babies. Maintaining our business.”

I had been there, slap dab in the middle of life as a caregiver. Though I still am, I’m no longer so deeply entrenched. I wanted to tell her that she could find herself again. I wanted to tell her with each passing birthday it does get easier and less labor intensive. I also wanted to encourage her to put “life” and “dreams” back into the formula—even if on a very small scale. The mistake caregivers make is giving up all desires and dreams while giving everything to duty, routine. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, though it might be less of “own life” and “dreams” than at other times.

Reading this article helped me stick to my guns. I went on the trip despite the headaches and mixed feelings. Though it took some effort, it was time for me to step out on my own.

And it was well worth the effort.

We must remember our children aren’t just looking to us for transportation and meals. They are learning life is more than a to-do list, that there are times even for grown-ups to leave the stable and run on their own.

Women's Voices Revisited

2009-07-10T16:43:00.004-05:00

I am revamping my first book. Yes, it's getting a new title and face lift. I am excited about it and will share the new cover with you here, once I get the final draft.

While going through this process, I am taking time to re-read the book. I want to find those errors and typos that got by us during the first publishing attempts.

Doing this brings me back into the material and the voices of the women who talked to me and others about their lives.

Here are some of their words (some in the book and some not).

"I can remember being nice was a goal of mine. I would write it down on my list. 'Be nice!' How many boys would have that as their goal?" (laughs) Kathleen, 35 years old.

"My mother started telling me when I was little . . . Don’t let anyone cause you to try to be somebody else.” Christine, 91 years old

“My aunt was my role model. She had no children, when I visited her, I was the Queen. At my home, we had nine children and my mother always had a baby on her hip. Aunt Dorothy would take me to guitar lessons, water ballet lessons, made doll clothes for my dolls. I was the Queen Bee.” Vicki, 59 years old

"I would pick my battles differently. I would be a little bit different there. I wouldn’t care whether my daughter wore pink shoes with a blue dress. Whereas I did at the time." Kitty, 60-something year old

"I’m not going to be like my mother. That ended up being twenty years of hell—trying NOT to be like my mother." Margaret, 55 years old

One interview was most meaningful to me. The woman, who has since passed away, had ovarian cancer. She was most reflective. I included a few of her answers below.

She told me "There was always this expectation that you grow up and get married. A lot of women didn’t see that there were choices."

She told me that as she played the wife of role and mother she felt misplaced. "I felt like there was somewhere else I was suppose to be. Something else I was supposed to be doing. I was intellectually and emotionally stifled. I didn’t feel like I was a contributing member to the human race. I always felt like I needed that and that I wanted to keep learning."

She also confessed, "I had to suppress the real me."

I asked her what advice she had for mothers of daughters.
"I think if I had to do it over it again, I think I would have encouraged my daughter in different ways. I would have honored her strenghts to help her find her way. Personally, I was never encouraged in any direction in one way or another. Neither was I discouraged. No one ever said to me, 'Okay, you have a good way with words…you should consider writing for the newspaper, enter a writing contest.' Nothing was ever encouraged that way. It was like having tunnel vision growing up. There were no forks in the road."

And now I will return to one of my favorite quotations and one that ended the book.

When asked if she had anything else to say, an 80+ year old woman responded, "I done said enough." Well, me too!

Till next time...

Allyn Evans

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Having Your Own Good Witch Glinda

2009-06-18T17:59:00.007-05:00

Excerpted from my first book, Grab the Queen Power: Live Your Best Life! (2005).

Several years ago, I made the decision to develop a greater awareness of my intuitive nature.

Although I have always been highly sensitive to the feelings of others, I wasn’t born with an elevated ability to interpret my intuitive whispers.

It took practice and time.

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
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My Momma Done Told Me

2009-06-07T15:09:00.010-05:00

When I wrote my first book, we ended up with lots of quotations that were not used. My editor put them all together on one page and we ended up including them in the book. She titled it:

My Momma Done Told Me. No, these weren't things my mother told me. Although some of the sayings were heard by many of us as we grew up. Primarily, these are things the women interviewed were told by their caregivers and also some of their random thoughts about life in general.

Behave yourself and remember whom you belong to. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Birds of a feather flock together.

People judge you by the company you keep. What will the neighbors think? Good girls don’t talk like that.

No time to do it right, just time to do it over. It’s the poor dryer that can’t help the washer. Shut the door. Were you raised in a barn?

Spare the rod; spoil the child. Children should be seen and not heard. If I told you once, then I’ve told you a thousand times.

I’d be thinner and a little shorter. When it mattered, I wanted to be thinner. I’d change the sagging of my body that is happening as I’m getting older. I’d change my feet. I hate my toes. I would have fuller lips and thicker eyelashes.

I’d be like Ruth Lovely—she’s as good as she is beautiful. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m quite satisfied with what God gave me.

Yep, I have a regret! I regret that I married the wrong person. I have some regrets. It’s hard to say that things didn’t turn out like I planned because I never had any definite plans for my life. I always wanted to be married, have children and a home.

I had to wear dresses and ruffled socks and ruffled underwear. I wore Mary Jane’s, a hand-smocked pinafore and a bow in my hair. My cousins wore little suits. We looked like dolls . . . they looked like grownups.

No, my mother didn’t make a difference. She told us she was an equal opportunity ass whooper. She’d whip us all. They treated us equally. My mother and father dealt with us the same.

He always got off lighter and had more freedom. I felt stifled in that way. I can’t say there was a difference in the way we were disciplined. The Queen says the things we wish we could!

Why dogs are men’s best friends? I’m a girl and Snow is my best friend!

My goodness, what will they think? How will it make your family look? What about your reputation?

My dad's mother used sickness a lot when she was raising a family of six kids. Her's was "bed" rest though. She'd say she was "sick" and go to bed for a day or two. I'm sure others coped this way.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Can’t tell you how many times I was pinched or jabbed in the thigh with a hatpin for messing up that one! I think that children should be seen not heard so much.

They weren’t heard as much in my day and time. We were told to leave when adults had company. The grown ups would get the bigger pieces of chicken and the children would take what was left over.

We played domestic games, so the fact that I couldn’t wear shorts or pants didn’t hinder my play. The girls had to do the inside chores like laundry, cooking and housecleaning. The boys did anything outside the house such as yard work. But, we all worked in the fields—chopping and picking cotton.

We did the inside chores. My brother’s job was to take out the trash. He only had to do one job—take out the trash. I was encouraged to spend time in the kitchen, but I really didn’t like it. I knew how to clean up real well. I sure didn’t care about doing that on a regular basis.

We all had to share in the household chores before we could go outside and play. When my little brother got older, though, he was only required to take out the garbage.

Yes, I try to avoid conflict. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I always worry that I’m going to offend someone or step on somebody’s toes. And, it’s hard for me to realize I can’t make everyone happy.

And finally, more than one person told me the following...some used different words, but the point was made repeatedly: "I had to suppress the real me."

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
www.thealertparent.com

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Get Serious and Get Going

2009-05-10T14:27:00.005-05:00

For many women as we grow closer to middle age, we’ve put our energy toward “other” priorities. Family. Home. Professional Career. This isn’t a bad thing. Simply choices we’ve made about what was most important to us at the time.

Marianne Williamson wrote a book for women approaching the middle age mark. In The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife she reminded me, “Whomever it is you were born to be, whatever lessons you were born to learn, now it is time to get serious and get going.”

I know what she means by this. It’s true. I’ve been feeling a push to “get going” in a direction not dictated by logic, practical matters or reason for some time now—for about a decade actually. And I’ve been going “toward what I am supposed to be” for about as long.

My frustration is with the pace and that’s partly due to the “other” in my life—family and home—which to me is very important. I am seeing in the not too distance future (and with each passing year), I will have more time to “get serious and get going” and this thrills me. But also scares me too.

Maybe you too will be comforted by something else Marianne shared with her readers, “It’s not what’s happened in your life so far that has the power to determine your future.” She’s right. It’s so much more than your past. It’s a combination of the wisdom you have gained, your talents and strengths, your tenacity and yes, your courage to try something whether you are afraid or not.

Take a lesson from Marianne and forget about what you’ve tried before and why it didn’t work. Keep going after what it is you were born to be and do. I have to continually remind myself that it is the journey that is important.

And so I continue to balance life, work and family and I continue to make progress (although the pace at times might seem like that of a turtle) and move in the direction of my heart and aspirations.

This post is dedicated to mothers everywhere.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

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Dumpy, Frumpy and Downright Lumpy

2009-04-19T16:02:00.006-05:00

“What is it about this place?” I said to my sister who was visiting too.

She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Do you feel as frumpy as I do?”

She nodded.

Just a few weeks previously I had been in New York City visiting her. I had even worn the same outfit I was wearing at the moment, except in New York I had dumbed it down a bit. I had added clunky jogging shoes, which I never do unless walking from here to kingdom come.

Also on that particular day I had added a top layer shorter than the under layer. It was colder than I had anticipated and my layering attempts were of a practical nature. Let’s just say that my “look” was interesting.

Not once while parading around the streets of Manhattan, whether in Madison Square, Midtown, SoHo, Chelsea or Greenwich Village did I feel frumpy or out of place or even worse…out of style. As a real test only the Universe can provide, I had proudly walked right past Clinton Kelly of “What Not to Wear” fame. Yes, the addition of the tennis shoes did give me pause as I strutted past him.

But not for one New York minute did I ever feel less than.

Sitting in the mecca of my youth, I felt dowdy, old-fashioned, outdated, oh yes and plain.

In my defense, these are feelings I typically don’t feel anymore. Normally, I don’t find myself sinking into the self-bashing place. As recently as a month ago, I believed I had made significant progress when it came to this self-love, self-acceptance issue. I still think there has been a shift. But obviously, there’s a little more transforming required to put these awful feelings to rest. Of course realizing I still had work to do was most irritating.

An hour later, I found myself in one of the boutiques purchasing new tops. Well, I could easily solve part of the problem.

The next day, members of my family all returned to the offending location. This time we were going to eat lunch. I felt much better. I had on the new top from the “right” store. Ahhhh. The frumps had disappeared. I still berated myself for weighing too much, but that’s a completely different story.

I hadn’t even noticed one of my cousins was wearing a tee-shirt—you know the kind of tee-shirt you wear to sleep in or wear to your child’s baseball game.

She complimented me on what I was wearing and then apologized for her outfit. “I can’t believe I forgot to pack something nice,” she said to me. “But thank goodness this is one of those places where it really doesn’t matter what you wear.”

My sister and I looked at each other. Okay, so we almost choked. Then we laughed.

My cousin. Well, she really meant it. She felt perfectly at home wearing a tee-shirt and jeans. And she also “looked” perfectly fine wearing her tee-shirt and jeans. We got it. Point made. High five the Universe that made it happen.

Turns out we were the fools. We were the ones that allowed our self-doubts and negative chatter to tell us we were somehow less than the “others” around us.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

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Not a Weed, But a Flower

2009-04-03T17:44:00.009-05:00

Suppose you'd known for a long time that you were a weed.

When you were just a little sprout, before anyone had told you you were a weed, you'd known something of what flowers feel like; and as you grew, you felt you'd like it better if you were a flower.

But you learned to be satisfied living as a weed nonetheless—most of the time. You learned to bend a little so as not to take too much sun, and to eat and drink and breathe, not quite so much nourishment from the flowers around you.

It's only in spring when the flowers start to bloom, that it's hard to be weedlike; then, when the warm breeze comes, you feel a stirring of hope, a wish for just a taste of blooming. But you can't of course, you're a weed.

Now suppose that one day a lovely creature walks into your field looking for flowers, and suppose she walks straight up to you and says: "What a strange and lovely flower this is hidden from the light!"

For a moment you would not believe her. But oh, you would want to. So you might begin softly, to look and feel around yourself. And what if you discovered that this had all been a silly mistake—that you were not a weed, but a flower after all.

Well, that's what it feels like. A little sad that I spent so much time as a weed when I didn't have to. A little in shock. A little exposed. Excited, in a quiet way, to discover what I'm all about. I don't know much about being a flower, yet. But it's me, and I love it, and I'm giving it all I've got."

Author Unknown

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Accept Change

2009-03-25T12:47:00.008-05:00

I love this quotation. Unfortunately, I don't know who to give credit to for it. "We can't change what happened, but we can change what is happening now."

Okay. So things aren't going quite like you planned. Maybe you're a little frustrated. Or sad. Maybe you are mad as hell. Doesn't matter. Your emotions—you know how you feel about it—are your first clue.

So now...here's where you pull up your bootstraps and take stock. Not too long ago I read something Bob Monroe wrote about taking stock. I liked the exercise and want to share with you.

He said, "The major underlying cause of human worry relates to the Law of Change....Some worry that change will take place, others that it will not." Think about where you fit. He also reminded us to understand there are things we tend to worry about that are simply out of our control. For example, we can't change the weather no matter how badly we want to have our pic-nic. You cannot control the stockmarket or how someone will react to you or a situation.

To move away from a state of worry or angst consider the following exercise (also attributed to Monroe).

Reality Check:

Make up a list (called list A). Place on this list all your worries and concerns you can't fix, control or change. On this list place all the things you cannot control.

Make up a list (called list B). Place on this list all your worries and concerns that you can do something today.

Make up a list (called list C). Place on this list all your needs, hopes and desires whether large or small, which have yet to be fulfilled.

Now...

Take List A and throw it away. Allow the destroying of this list to be permission to yourself to let go of the worries and concerns you have included.

Take List B and take action today to eleviate some of your stress. Pay attention and do something about at least one issue listed. Simply by acknowledging and making decisions about actions to take, you are making your load lighter.

Take List C and target at least one item to address, whether large or small, that moves you in the direction of your goals and aspirations.

Continue this process until you have no List A, no List B and all of your energy can be focused on List C.

The above is a rather simplistic way to explain. And of course, new things will appear in your life that will need to be added to either List A or B. But if you continue to work the lists and rid yourself of the things that don't serve you and to make decisions about how to handle others, you will find yourself in a much better place...promise.

Here's another exercise you might find useful.

Examine What's Stopping You and What's Pulling At You:

I am afraid of ...
Before I did something about it I had to include things like speaking in public, asking people for favors or asking people to help me or telling people I wanted something from them (like a job or contract work).

I owe _____ money ...
Many do. If you are one of those folks who is feeling squeezed right now, then face it. Put it on paper. Make a plan. Call your creditors and establish payments. Seek advice.

Some other questions to consider—

I feel ...

I want ...

I need ...

I am ...

I weigh ...

Add any other statement you need to wrap up your reality check.

Now that you have a good idea of where you are. Consider what you want to change. Take steps to begin changing it...immediately. Don't think you have to take on each issue at the same time. Pick one to three that are most pressing and start from there. While you do this relax about the rest of it and don't get bogged down in the "how". But most importantly, don't worry too much about the outcome. In time, as you make changes, you WILL find yourself in a different place, which will also need to be evaluated.

Have you ever heard the ship metaphor? Think of it like being the captain of a ship. The compass (okay, it's much more sophisticated than that now, but go with me here) is there to help you stay on course. When you've strayed a little off course (which you always will d0) the compass gives you feedback.

A captain will keep adjusting her course to get to her destination. Consider the feedback you get from your emotions as well as the feedback you get when you evaluate the plans/goals you have made as course adjustments.

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever."

—Kerri Russell

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

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What's Stopping You?

2009-03-04T18:36:00.006-06:00

Maybe a little self-sabotage. A few years back, I started asking myself why I seemed to always get in my own way.

The other day, I found a journal entry I wrote some years ago and thought it might benefit some of you out there struggling with the same issues and questions.

Entry: December 2006

I have finally figured out why I continue to sabotage myself. It hit me in a series of epiphanies over the weekend and even spilled into a Monday.

About three years ago, I was given a blessing. I figured out, after much self-study, what I needed to be doing on this earth. I gained insight. You’d think after finally figuring out what I am here to do that I would be elated and find contentment and joy. Instead I found an entirely new way to torture myself. Everything I had done and experienced seemed to meet and finally a direction was mapped out for me to follow. I knew that I was going to research and write a book
about women, specifically women in the south.

I started immediately on my project only to be thwarted at each turn. It was so frustrating that a year after my discovery I was actually no closer to my goal than when I started. I told myself that it just wasn’t the right time and that things would work according to a bigger plan, but I wasn’t really convincing myself. Actually, I was mad.

I was mad that I didn’t have more money. I was mad that I had to continue to hold a job I no longer enjoyed. I was mad that this job interferred with my ability to write. I was still in the same place with the same troubles and well, it just pissed me off. I would watch my cherished weekend pass me by only to be faced with a blue Monday and a list of things to do. Things to do that I had no interest in doing.

Someone finally confronted me and asked me what was going on in my life...They were concerned and sensed that I was running off course. Initially, I didn’t get it. “Everything is fine,” I commented. I was even a little perturbed by the question. What did they mean asking me how I was? I was perfect, thank you. But, I wasn’t and their concern started me on a completely different path. The path I am on today, actually.

Fast Forward...back to 2009

As I looked back on that time in my life, I know that I continually got in my own way. My anger and lack of focus, primarily, thwarted by abilities to move forward. I created my own obstacles. Yes, everyone of them were self-made. And on top of that my delayed reaction to finally coming to grips with what I was here to do caused me more pain and confusion—every bit of my angst was self imposed.

Very recently, I was talking to a friend. She ranted about all the problems in her life and provided reasons she had for doing certain activities. She also talked about how all these activities inferred with her ability to move forward. We continued to talk and then finally she had a revelation. The revelation was that all her anxiety and worries were self imposed. She had created made-up deadlines to get projects and tasks completed and the stress of it all had her in a tizzy. Not only that, but the deadlines and long list of things-to-do meant she was detracted from her primary goals and aspirations. Soon after she "got it," she set her priorities straight, pledged to move away from unintentional self-sabotage and found more opportunities for herself . I am sure, she'd report that she is finally moving in a forward direction again without the tizzies.

Today, I am hoping that if you identify with what is written here, that you will take some time to evaluate where you are and where you'd like to be. I also hope you will think about how you are stopping yourself. And if you feel unprepared to "name" your direction or goals, then take a little longer to figure it out and then to create a plan of action so that you can focus.

In later posts (coming soon), we will revisit something I have written tons about and that is figuring out what to do with yourself (if you don't know). Also, we'll talk about how to untangle yourself from over-commitment (another self-sabotaging tactic) and much, much more.

Happy March! We had snow today. Ready for summer! :)

Allyn Evans
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Be

2009-03-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

Someone shared the following thoughts with me. I wanted to share with you.

"I can't identify when, but I know it happened.

At some point, I stopped thinking about how I'd do all these things later...you know, after I had the perfect life...I stopped pining away for the future, or the better life I thought I didn't have. And instead I began doing things, little things, that I thought the perfect life would include.

And now I have more of my perfect life than I ever did before. It feels good-empowering and affirming."

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
info at allynevans.com

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Do You Find It Hard to Say No?

2009-02-23T12:45:00.000-06:00

Excerpted from Grab the Queen Power

No—the pearl in a woman’s mouth that would shake the very foundations of the Kingdom. A word that for many of us sounds rude and uncaring and dangerous. Most of us can’t get that word out of our mouths. If patience is a virtue, and other people’s opinions are more valid than ours, what right do we have to say no? When your job is to take care of people, and their needs come first, saying no can threaten your identity.

Many of the women I interviewed felt taking care of other people’s needs was simply part of the duties of a mother and a wife. One woman said, “I think it’s learned behavior. I know that my mother did it. It’s almost like if you put yourself first, then you feel guilty. There is a lot of guilt in being a woman.” Another took the responsibility of others first even further. “It’s really dumb. If I have something that someone wants, I might as well give it to them because I can’t enjoy it anymore.” She said, “It’s not saying no that’s hard.”

The inability to say no is driven by our desire for approval from others. Saying no is selfish. If you are selfish, you are guilty. And worse than that, nobody will love you. “I would transport the computer to and from work so that I could work on my writing at home,” one interviewee reported. “My husband would end up playing games on it. He didn’t understand why I would get so crazy. He always told me that he’d get off of it if I wanted him to. Once I’d get him off, my mind was so agitated, as well as guilt-filled, I couldn’t settle back down to work—telling him he couldn’t use it or asking him to get off of it felt like an act of violence.”

A forty-year-old subject shared a similar story, “Yes, I do this with everybody. For example, I stopped by to say hello to someone that was going to be a guest lecturer. I didn’t have a babysitter for my son, but wanted to say hello and explain why I couldn’t attend. I ended up staying (with my son in tow) even though I had dinner in the oven! By the time I got home, my supper was burned, my son was starving and it was all because I couldn’t say no to this person.”

As I entered my teen years, “No” was my mantra. The trouble was I had no middle ground. If I wasn’t going to agree with a lady-like compliance, then saying no became an act of rebellion. A selfish act. I truly believed when I said “no,” I was bad, a selfish person, and I went out of my way to prove it. I wouldn’t give a guest the best seat. I would grab the largest slice of cake—and even, oh horrors—take the very last piece on the tray. I knew that being selfish was almost a criminal act, but saying “no” was even worse. Not giving my time or myself made me a criminal of the heart.

Men are taught that it is okay to be more direct. Women are more concerned about hurting feelings or not wanting people mad at you. Even though I knew how to say no, I didn’t know how to deal with the aftermath and found myself often fretting about the reaction of others.
Our inability to say no means we take on countless tasks we don’t wish to do, or even need to do. It means we dismiss our own needs as frivolous. Or when we are determined to put ourselves first, we often feel as if we have gone beyond the pale, we see ourselves as outlaws. For whatever reason, the truth is saying no feels wrong to us.

Too bad. Saying and meaning the word “no” potentially brings us the most peace.

But over time, with enough pressure from those who surrounded you who seemed convinced that their practiced way was more valid than your way (and, therefore, ultimately better), you gradually begin to release your determination to guide your own life.
—Esther Hicks

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

Seeking Inspiration from a Little Artificial Intelligence

2009-02-14T14:22:00.008-06:00

Ever heard of Jabberwacky's Cleverbot? My daughter offered an introduction. Cleverbot is different. Doing my typical thing, I googled to get answers. When I didn't find anything there (okay, so I am not the most patient person), I moved to http://www.dogpile.com./

Of course, I didn't look far...meaning I didn't research enough to find answers. Let's face it...I simply don't care that much. Here's what I found: "Jabberwacky is an artificial intelligence (AI)-a chat robot, often known as a 'chatbot' or 'chatterbot'. It aims to simulate natural human chat in an interesting, entertaining and humorous manner."

My daughter and I played with it for a little while and had a few good laughs. Enough laughing that my husband wanted to know what was so funny! We also believe we discovered the secret behind Cleverbot. I'll not reveal that, though, unless you email me privately. But, we really had fun with it after that. :)

Yesterday, I decided to revisit Cleverbot to help me come up with a new post for this blog. This week the well was running a little dry. And I thought...what the heck!

So I visited Cleverbot and typed the following.

Allyn: I need material for my blog. Any ideas?

Cleverbot: What do you need to know for school?

Allyn: No, not school. I need an idea for my next blog post.

Cleverbot: Those motives sound questionable.

Allyn: Interesting. Really, I promise my motives are pure. I am just looking for inspiration.

Cleverbot: You won't make friends by inferring that I'm not interesting enough to care about.

Allyn: Hmmm. That's not what I had in mind. I need to write something thoughtful or meaningful.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite song?

Allyn: No. That's not going to work either.

Cleverbot: You aren't into inversion.

Allyn: Nope. No good. Doesn't fit with the theme of my blog.

Cleverbot: You seem very wise. (Exact words, pinky swear. At this point, I'm thinking AI is a good thing.)

Allyn: That's why I write a blog!

Cleverbot: Want to hear another?

Allyn: What? Oh never mind... (At this point, I shut her down. We weren't getting anywhere and I still had a post to write.)

Turns out Cleverbot didn't help me at all. Let's just say I'm not that impressed with this version of AI. But not all was lost because maybe, just maybe, I've introduced something new to you. And, you can go check it out for yourself when you are in between tasks or projects, or simply killing time.

Would love to know what you think about the experience. And if you want to know what I really think about Cleverbot, email me!

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com
P.S. I caught a few inappropriate references (adult content). So caution is advised to parents. I have asked my daughter to only visit Cleverbot when I am with her.

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Our Truest Self: A Woman Who Chooses Her Thoughts and Feelings

2009-02-09T08:31:00.005-06:00

Today's featured guest is Janice Lynn Lundy. Enjoy her article posted below. We both love comments, feedback and questions.

A Woman Who Chooses Her Thoughts and Feelings

On average, 60,000 thoughts a day run through our minds, most of them not of our own choosing. They are random thoughts. Thoughts about the past, overshadowed by worry or regret, or thoughts about the future, dominated by more worry or fear.

If we desire to live as our truest self, a woman who is naturally peaceful, confident, joyful, and loving, it is important that we develop a new relationship with our thoughts, as well as the feelings that accompany them.

We can do so by beginning to observe—simply notice—the content of these thoughts and where they lead us. We can ask ourselves: Does their presence take me into a greater daily experience of peace, love, or joy? Or do these thoughts keep me bound up in worry, self-doubt, fear, or lack? Then, because we desire to live in an enlightened manner, we pledge to redirect our thinking. This, in fact, is the third Transformational Truth of twelve in Your Truest Self: “I Choose Thoughts and Feelings That Honor My Sacred Self.”

To begin to track our thoughts, words, and actions requires one very important skill—the ability to access silence. It is impossible to get in touch with our thoughts and feelings if we cannot get quiet enough to listen. We must begin to clear out our mind clutter and create room for peace, love, and joy to dwell. For this very reason, periods of silence-infused solitude are vital to our life journey.

One of the most effective methods for working with our thoughts is through the practice of journaling. It is one of the best ways I know to look at what is being said within our mind. Journaling offers a powerful opportunity for self-reflection and self-correction. Once we have taken note of our thoughts, we can tell the truth about ourselves, and begin to remake our lives. We can set a powerful intention to live a new way.

The next step is to redirect our thoughts and feelings. We assess if we are living in alignment. Alignment is a state of being whereby our thoughts, words, and actions are “in sync,” each one in harmony with the other. Each builds upon the other to take us into an embodied experience of our truest self—or not.

For example, if we say we love others but speak badly or gossip about them, we are not in alignment. Our thoughts and feelings do not match our actions. In fact, they are a contradiction. If we say that we desire peace in the world but have feelings of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward others, we are not walking our talk. We are not in alignment.

We change this, we change ourselves, by noticing the nature of our thoughts, then consciously choosing only those that bring us into alignment with our highest desires—the virtues to which we aspire. This process is one of the highest forms of spiritual practice in which we can engage.

This is the call and the challenge being issued to us today. Are we ready to answer? I sincerely hope so, for when we take the first steps to live as the peace-filled women we are meant to be, the world itself will begin to change for the better.

©2009, Janice Lynne Lundy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janice Lynne Lundy is an inspirational speaker, interfaith spiritual director, syndicated magazine columnist, and the author of four self-help/spiritual growth books for women. Her newest book, Your Truest Self: Embracing the Woman You Are Meant to Be, has just been released by Sorin Books. She resides in northern Michigan.

Learn more about Jan at her website: AwakenedLiving.com.
Register for her newsletter and she'll send you her new, inspirational 90-page e-book, The Awakened Woman's Guide to Life. Visit her blog: www.awakeisgood.blogspot.com. She enjoys hearing from her readers and responds personally. Email Jan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to WOW! Women on Writing for providing the introduction.
www.allynevans.com
info at allynevans.com

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Automated Voice Madness: The Day I Disconnected

2009-01-28T14:25:00.009-06:00

Today I talked to Mechanical Lady. This Mechanical Lady was new to me. Oh yes, I've talked to her kin folks both male and female over the years. Most times, I end up frustrated and mad. Today's Mechanical Lady was even a bit tricky.

I called to cancel a magazine subscription I didn't authorize and Mechanical Lady answered. Instead of giving me the option to cancel and get a refund, she said, "Today is your lucky day! You have qualified to receive our magazine for only $5 a year."

That's good news because they charged me $33 to renew.

She continued, "Will you give me approval to refund your money and sign you up for the new subscription to the same magazine for $5?"

I stammered, "Refund only."

"Pardon," she said back.

She patiently repeated the question and I couldn't decide what to do. Saying no might mean starting this conversation from scratch. (If you read the article below, you'll see why I was a bit leery of repeated calling to get my task accomplished.) And I had no intention of saying yes!

So, I did the only thing I could.

I said, "No."

"Hmmmmm," she said. "Well, okay," trying to sound more human. "I have another offer. What if I refund your money and then give you a $5 subscription to a sister magazine. Yes?"

In the end, I was promised almost 100% back. There was some $1.50 processing fee. And I have no new subscription. After our transaction ended, Mechanical Lady kept talking..."I have another offer for you."

I hung up.

A fews years back, I wrote a story about a similar experience. If you want a good laugh, keep reading. Would LOVE to hear your automated madness stories. I bet there are some good ones out there.

More Automated Madness

“All right,” says Mechanical Man in a cheery halting voice. “To get started please say or enter the number you are talking about.”

I say my number.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand. Please….” I repeat the number. We do it a third time.

Then I punch in the numbers.

“Tell me the purpose of your call in a few words. Like I need to change my phone service. Or I want new phone service.”

“Change order.”

“Would you like to cancel, change or review your order?”

“Change.”

“I’m sorry first you must pay your overdue bill.”

“I don’t owe any money.”

“Pardon.” Silence. “Let me access your records. Yes, your account is paid in full.”

“I know.” I am screaming at Mechanical Man.

“Pardon? I did not understand. Would you like to speak to a customer service representative about your account?”

“Yes.”

“Please hold.”

I hold. I hear nothing. I cuss under my breath just hoping those friendly little recording devices are recording my customer dissatisfaction. Then I hear beep, beep, beep, beep.

I slam down the phone and try again. I do this six times. Six times. Mechanical Man tells me I have called many times before. “Is this about an unresolved issue?”

You bet your sweet….

Finally, after going through the can’t-help-you-till-you-pay-your-bill-and-yep-your-bill-is-paid-in-full cycle again (now we’re on call number seven), I finally get through. “Hello, Collections. How may I help you?”

Agggghhhhh!

“I don’t owe money. The system says I owe money and then says I don’t owe money and then transfers me to you.”

“You don’t owe money.”

“I know!”

“I’ll transfer you to customer service.”

Fast forward ten minutes later—yes, ten minutes! “Hello, how may I help you?” says Rude Phone Guy.

“I need to cancel a work order I made yesterday.”

“Sorry, ma’am. You can’t do that. You have to let them come out and install and then cancel. You will not be charged.”

Was I hearing this right? “Are you sure,” I kept asking. “This doesn’t make sense.”

“Yes ma’am. I’m sure. Call us after it’s installed.” Eventually I consent. I tell Rude Phone Guy to transfer me. (Maybe I should call him Saving Your Company Lots of Money Guy instead.) He does.

I have more than one piece of business to handle with this conglomerate.

“May I help you?” Sweet Internet Lady says.

Finally, a nice person of good cheer who seems interested in being helpful. She cancels my order and goes so far as to give me special tips so that I wouldn’t be penalized later. How nice. Then she says, “Have I done everything possible to serve you in the best way?”

I mumble “Yes” in a grumpy, irritated voice. I’m thinking to myself if she ONLY knew. She doesn’t because I don’t tell her. I am tired of talking.

“You may be called later and asked about your experience. Please let them know how pleased you are.”

Sure.

I have one more step to complete this day before being fully disentangled from my worst nightmare. What the hell had I been thinking? The Sign Up Guy I had talked to the previous day was GOOD. Even though he couldn’t see me, he knew I had sucker written all over my face. I am wondering why I have to talk to three different people when smooth Sign Up Guy did it all for me with one magic press of a key.

I call the final number. Surprisingly, a real person comes on line quickly. No Mechanical Guy for this bunch. I only have to wait about three minutes. Talk about excitement! I start talking. I start explaining. I want to disconnect! Yes, disconnect.

“What’s your name?”

“Allyn.”

“You’re not Greg?”

“I’m his wife.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, you can’t order the disconnect because the account is not in your name,” says Nasty Satellite Guy.

“I made the initial order—just yesterday. What do you mean I can’t cancel it?”

“Sorry. You can’t.”

I argue. It doesn’t help.

Dang, I think. Now I get the pleasure of calling my husband and telling him he gets to call and cancel an order he never made. He’s going to love this. He especially loves being pulled into dramas not of his own making. Don’t we all? So I tell this guy. “He’s going to be so mad about this.” Like Nasty Satellite Guy really cares.

“We’re open 24/7 for your convenience,” he says.

“My convenience would be if you’d let me cancel this service.” And I can’t stop. I have been at this all morning. Mechanical Man, Rude Phone Guy, Sweet Internet Lady and now Nasty Satellite Guy. “My husband’s going to be so mad,” I keep saying. And then I do something I just don’t do. I unleash on Nasty Satellite Guy. Hours and hours of pent-up frustration come pouring out. Heck, I think he even gets a little of the previous week’s anger. At first he argues back, which I find odd. Then he stops. Finally my tirade passes. I have the last word. I hang up.

A few days later, we decide to cancel a program we have with a major credit card company. Again, I am not Greg and again they refuse to talk to me despite the fact that a person named Greg had called in and given them permission to talk to me. It is on record.

“Sorry, ma’am. Canceling the card is not covered under the permission.”

I hold my breath.

This time I refuse to pull my hubby into the drama. I sat down and wrote a letter. I ask for the account to be cancelled and sign it Greg.

Guess what? The notice of cancellation arrived in the mail today. In the note is included the request signed by none other than Greg. NOT. I feel like calling Mechanical Man

Dare to Pursue your Childhood Dreams

2009-01-25T12:26:00.007-06:00

I couldn't resist including this article (with her permission, of course) by Christine Louise Hohlbaum published in her ezine: Powerful Families, Powerful Lives. Keep reading, you'll see why....

"What Dreams May Come (True)"

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." I don't think she was talking about cleaning out the shower drain when she said that. She was an advocate of character-building, a notable force at a time when women's rights were not what they are today.

Periodically, I measure my children's risk tolerance by asking them a simple question. "What scares you?" I typically get an answer about the boogie man who lurks in the dark or that German test coming up in school. But the other day, my affable nine-year-old daughter revealed an inner fear that surprised me. "I am afraid someone will get mad at me."

She'd rather do a ring-and-run by leaving a note of apology on her friend's front step than face the person head on. Her fear of rejection, a normal state of human experience, has come to pass.
Dreams can offset fears so, without trying to force my adult understanding of dreams on my kids, I also ask them what they would like to be when they grow up.

At present, my seven-year-old son would like to be a Judo master and a filmmaker. My daughter remains constant in her wish to be a riding instructor. They are too busy living their childhood to know they are also forming their dreams, the foundation on which the rest of their lives will be built.

Childhood dreams are the house where our souls reside. It is where we live in fearless possibility. It is sad to see paralyzing fear take over my kids, but it is also a necessary process for them to know what the opposite of fearless is. At age nine it never occured to me that I could fail, yet I see in my own daughter the belief that it might actually happen. I periodically get furious with the German school system that points out mistakes more than it celebrates what's right. At every opportunity I try to ask her "What was right about your day?"

What would our world be like if we looked towards the wins and used failure as a mere tool for course correction? What dreams may come true when we move out of burdensome fear and into the sparkling light of weightless courage?

Recently, I placed my hand into the grab bag of my dreams and pulled out "become an actor". At nearly 40, I giggled at the thought, then applied for the casting agency anyway. I promptly got two TV jobs in one week. It took a baby step to create a miracle. It wasn't hard, and it got me to thinking what other dreams I could fulfill.

What are your childhood dreams? Are you living them?

Do one thing that scares you today. It will broaden the circumference of your comfort zone just a little while creating another layer of miracles across the world. Your human potential is limitless. Reach for the stars, then tell us what happened! We'll be celebrating right there with you.

~~Christine Louise Hohlbaum, American author of the forthcoming Power of Slow: 101 Ways to Save Time in Our 24/7 World (fall 2009), Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff (2003) and SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe (2005), has been published in hundreds of publications. When she isn't writing, leading intensive seminars or wiping up messes, she prefers to frolic in the Bavarian countryside near Munich where she lives with her husband and two children. Visit her Web site: http://t.ymlp88.com/bebaaauhuaiahjuafaubjs/click.php.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

Dare to Seek Out New Challenges

2009-01-18T15:08:00.008-06:00

More feedback about this "Doing What Scares You" stuff.

I received a follow up letter from Beth Blair. Remember, she's the one who gave her icebreaker at a Toastmaster's club (1st speech) recently.

"It makes me think, what else can I do well? As I think about it, I realize there is a good chance there is plenty more out there and there are three main reasons I have not attempted to find them (whatever "they" are):

A. I don't believe I can
B. Someone told me I can't and I believed them
C. It never occurred to me to try

I feel like it's time to reassess my life and figure out what direction I'm supposed to go. This is such an exciting time!"

Beth, you've given me much to think about. Thanks for sharing. Would love to hear comments from you about your fears or what you are trying new in 2009.

I've linked you to this video before. It's a good one. If you've never stopped long enough to view it, you'll be glad you did. This is a YouTube video of Libby Saunter, first female, walking the slackline in the picture above.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
info at allynevans.com

Dare to Go Through the Experience: The Butterfly Story

2009-01-17T12:37:00.001-06:00

Maybe you’ve heard the butterfly story?

A little boy finds a cocoon and waits for the butterfly to appear. Eventually the cocoon splits in half and a damp butterfly beats its wings as it struggles to get out.

Worried that the butterfly will not be able to escape, the boy grabs the cocoon and pulls it apart. The boy breaks the butterfly free, but it falls to the ground, unable to fly.In order for its wings to be strong enough to fly, a butterfly must first struggle against the cocoon.

How well I know dealing with the frustrations, hardships and stresses of life is hard to do, but it is necessary. To grow and to become our best selves we must be able to handle the fortitudes of life, we must be allowed opportunities to struggle and strengthen our wings.

Speaking of butterflies...

Thanks to L. Diane Wolfe who awarded my blog The Butterfly Award. Now it's time to go and seek out fellow bloggers to also receive the designation. If you have recommendations for me, would love to review them.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/
info at allynevans.com

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Dare to Be Brave

2009-01-15T13:51:00.006-06:00

One night while watching TV, I landed on a reality-based show featuring three talented women who were vying for the title of being the best (in their field). To make it to the final competition, the women had to fly to Europe.

One contestant confessed that she was afraid to fly. Not willing to give up without trying, she made plans to make the trip. On the day of departure, she walked on board the plane, but that's all she could manage to do. Her fear of flying overwhelmed her and she exited the plane. Doing so meant she had to withdraw from the competition.

Watching the scene broke my heart. And I'm sure it broke hers too.

In 2000, I had a fear that stopped me. It was the fear of speaking in public. To cure myself, I joined Toastmasters and eventually (let's just say it didn't happen overnight) solved my problem.

My cyberfriend Beth Blair (Desert Mama) confessed to me not too long ago that she had a similar fear. Here's her latest report:

"I gave my first speech last night and I did GREAT! I was so so nervous driving there but when I got up to speak I felt okay. Then after the first minute or so I became totally relaxed. The best part was everyone laughed when they were supposed to. I received some really, really nice feedback. Thank you for the encouragement! It's an amazing feeling to get up and do something that I have been fearing my entire life."

Yes it is, Beth. Yes it is. I remember playing a scene over and over in my head when I was working so hard to overcome my fears. The scene went like this...

The room would be full of people...at least 50 to 75...and I would walk up to lectern to give my talk. As I approached the lectern, I would turn, look and smile at the audience. I would be calm and relaxed...I would have no stressful reaction (hand shaking, brain freeze, wobbly voice). All would go smoothly and according to plan.

And one day, just as I imagined and believed could happen, the scene unfolded in front of me. I stood at the lectern in front of a group of 50+ women. It worked! It worked!

Today's message is about facing what scares you! Don't let a fear of flying stop you from going to your France.

Instead do something about it....start doing something about it today!

Would love to hear comments from others who have overcome fears and how you did it.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/
info at allynevans.com

Time For a Cool Change

2009-01-14T09:12:00.005-06:00

Besides celebrating Christmas and the New Year, December and January are my clean up and organize months.

Although not the most exciting tasks to do, once my list is completed it always feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

So today, I am also encouraging you to follow my lead.

Stop long enough to identify one project you've been postponing and put it on your calendar. Then when the appointed time comes, do it! It can be as simple as cleaning out a desk drawer (okay, that's still on my list...January is not over...and I'm planning to do by Sunday).

The act of taking small insignificant steps will make you feel better...promise!

Back to Present Moment Living...

2009-01-10T16:59:00.006-06:00

Now it's 2009 and I am focusing attention on the resolution I mentioned previously. Yep, it's my time to get this practice of living in the moment down.

There is good news! I am getting better at it.

In Timeshifting Stephan Rechtschaffen shared about the time he saw a bumper sticker that read, “Having a good time, wish I were here.”

Stephan believes Americans live in the future and do so at very high rates of speed. To live in the moment, he believes, is living a life without stress. Even though a difficult place to be all of the time his assertion makes complete sense.

If you are living in the present moment, then worrying about, say the bill collector, doesn’t work. If the bill collector isn’t on your doorstep or on the telephone, then that is worrying about something that isn’t in your present moment. Of course one could argue that you still have bad finances...and so plenty to worry about. But as simplisitic as this advice sounds...I'm going to keep reminding myself of this example to help me focus on what is happening in front of me.

Okay...this makes sense. Onward and upward.

2009-01-08T13:58:00.003-06:00

Let's just say I couldn't pass this one up today. I found this image while working on a presentation.

Goes nicely with the most recent post and comments. Don't you think?

Old Dog Willing to Learn New Tricks

2009-01-07T11:46:00.010-06:00

For most, the month of January has us thinking about change or how our lives can be different or better. If this is truly your desire, certainly is mine, then it is time to be willing to say yes to things—even if what is in front of you scares you.

In Mastering Life's Energies Maria Nemeth tells us: "Being willing is an effective affirmation. In fact, I would argue that it is the most potent of all affirmations." I agree with Maria.

So many times I'll say no to a situation, event or to someone. I usually have all these really good reasons or so I think. There's a quotation attributed to many including the likes of Albert Einstein, Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin that comes to mind.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

If I keep saying no and do my very best to keep everything the same, then I will have the same results (or close to it) as last year. Hmmmm.

So today...and this week, if you are so inspired, let's agree to be willing to take a few chances or do things we haven't done before. Because if you are like me and wanting different results, then it means we also have to make changes. Let's stretch our wings a little as we move into 2009.

http://www.allynevans.com/

allyn at suddenlink.net

Shoot for the Moon

2009-01-03T12:35:00.009-06:00

After reading my post about attempting to live happily in the moment, my friend Carolyn Howard-Johnson asked me to talk about regrets. Okay, so some Elvis Presley lyrics come to mind..."Regrets, I've had a few."

Interestingly, I can't think of specifics at this writing. But I can talk in generalities. I regret that for so many years I allowed fear to stop me or slow down my progress.

I used to be afraid of much—mostly the opinions of others. Oh and yes, speaking in public was another one, which included articulating my opinions or ideas. My body had an intense reaction to being in front of others (uncontrollable shaking, rapid heart beat, wobbly voice, scrambled brain) and so I avoided it.

Today, I encourage you to think about what stops you from shooting for your moon. In 2000, I took care of one of my fears and joined Toastmasters. Since then, many of my other fears—the debilitating ones...the ones that stopped me from being proactive—have melted away.

Start with one. I think you'll be surprised how far the first step takes you!

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
allyn at suddenlink.net

Try Living in the Moment!

2009-01-02T12:04:00.004-06:00

New Year’s Resolutions, anyone?

This year I decided on the perfect resolution: to live happily in the moment no matter the circumstances.

The resolution was so perfect I had already begun speaking about it in presentations. Living in the moment can be hard to do—think holiday travelers stranded at airports and train stations. Most of us relive the past or pine for a better future. I didn’t even understand the concept until I was in my 40s, and I was going to make sure 2009 was going to be the year when I focused on the present.

That is, until my daughter Addy took the dog-sitting job, which required me to be the designated driver.

“Let’s sit in the hot tub tonight,” Addy said. The doggy momma owns a fancy hot tub, which she had offered to us.

“Good idea!” I said. It was blustery and cold. Soaking in the hot tub sounded like fun.

We arrived at 6:30 p.m., checked on the dog, put our belongings on the kitchen counter and then went outside to the tub. As I was about to step in, I realized I still had the thank-you-for-my-Christmas-present note I had meant to leave inside.

Addy jumped into the hot tub as I headed for the backdoor. I turned the knob. It didn’t turn. The door was locked. “It’s still 2008,” I yelped at the intractable door. I wasn’t ready to face my new resolution yet, but what choice did I have. Plus, I had an impressionable witness.

And there I stood clad only in my swimming suit in 28-degree weather with our shoes, coats and my car keys locked securely in the house.

Fortunately I also had my cell phone. I could have called someone to pick us up, but I had left my spare house key in my own house. My friends who did have a key to my house were out of town.

I tried calling my hot tub friend, but I knew her plane wasn’t arriving until 8:20 p.m., if it did arrive on time in this time of many travel delays. I called my husband who was on his way home from an out-of-town trip. He wouldn’t make it for three more frigid hours.

Don’t tell my friend, but I thought about breaking down her door, but that solution didn’t appeal to Addy or me. We couldn’t think of anyone else to call. Who wants to be at someone else’s house in their swimming suits for three hours, even when the temperature is more favorable?

There was only one thing we could do. We threw up our hands.

At this point Addy said. “Okay, Mom. Let’s just enjoy the moment.” We had been talking about this lesson for some time now, and in the cold, in the dark, part of me was thrilled to know Addy had been listening to our discussions.

“You’re right, Addy,” I said, trying to set a good example while the idea of not knowing how long the hot tub ordeal would last unnerved me.

http://www.allynevans.com/

Frankie's Mom: An Inspiring Story...

2008-12-09T11:42:00.004-06:00

I'd like to introduce you to another guest. It's the story of Frankie's Mom and what they do together. Hope her story will inspire you. :)

FEATURED GUEST: Barbara Techel

My moment of truth and wanting to live authentically began painfully for me. But the good news is what blossomed from pain set me on an incredible journey.

My pain came from the diagnoses of terminal bone cancer in my 9-year old chocolate lab, Cassie Jo. She was one of the loves of my life. The news devastated me. After accepting her condition, my life took a different path.

A life coach helped me realize I needed to write about what I loved. You guessed it. I wrote about animals. At the same time, I decided to train my new lab puppy to become a therapy dog. I was excited to see where that would lead. And think of all the new stories I would have to write.

Pain entered my life again only nine short months after the loss of Cassie Jo. My six year old dachshund, Frankie suffered a spinal injury and became permanently paralyzed. I found myself constantly asking “Why”. I hate to admit it, but I did feel sorry for myself too.

But I took strength in what I had learned from Cassie Jo and knew I had to look for the blessing in the challenge Frankie faced. Once I surrendered, the answer came to me clear as a bell.

Frankie’s children’s book told in her voice was the answer. Sharing her story of walking and now rolling would help children facing their own challenges. We would teach them, through Frankie’s example, that each challenge is given so they can learn and grow. We would encourage them to look for positive choices. Frankie’s story not only helped children, her story healed me too.

Frankie was a natural with the children. While witnessing her work, I realized that Frankie had another role to play—therapy dog! My puppy had a long way to go before she could be certified, but not Frankie.

Forward Frankie and I rolled. We became a registered therapy dog team. Visiting nursing homes, hospital and hospice patients meant I was living with a newfound joy and meaning.

Living authentically does not mean you won’t face hurdles in your life. But for me, having a solid footing in who I am and who I want to be makes navigating those hurdles a bit easier. I understand each hurdle means I am being given a gift. It is a gift to grow and explore more of who I can become!

I give complete credit to my four-legged pals who taught me to pay attention to what animals teach us about life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barbara Techel is the author of "Frankie, the Walk 'N Roll Dog,” a 2008 National Best Book awarded by USA Book News. Frankie’s story is a true, inspirational story about the author’s dachshund. After suffering a spinal injury, Frankie was paralyzed. She is now custom fit for a wheelchair and has learned to keep on rolling. Barbara’s book has also been nominated by Dog Writer’s of America for the Merial Animal-Human Bond Award. Frankie was also recently nominated for the Wisconsin Pet Hall of Fame. Visit Barbara at http://www.joyfulpaws.com/ and watch Frankie’s inspirational video.

My Camping Lesson

2008-11-23T16:32:00.008-06:00

First of all, I must say that anyone who knows me will know that this camping lesson has nothing to do with me. I turned in my camping shoes years ago and pledge to NEVER camp again voluntarily.

So, who is telling you about a camping lesson?

It's my featured guest, Linda C. Wisniewski. Linda wrote Off Kilter: A Woman's Journey to Peace with Scoliosis.

My Camping Lesson

We had an old tent in the basement, one I'd bought it when my son Aaron was seven. Over the next few years, we went on camping trips with other single parent families from our church.

Then I met Steve, and life took a new direction. We got married and, a year later, Matt was born.

We took family vacations but, until one night in July, the tent stayed on a dusty shelf. On that night, Matt was ten, and we had gone to feed the neighbor's dog while they were on vacation. We followed her up a hill, and saw a small tent pitched in the woods. I told Matt then about the camping trips I'd taken with his half-brother in the years before he was born.

"Could we get a tent, Mom?"

"We still have the one I used when Aaron was your age. Let's get it out of the basement."

Back home, we pulled the musty-smelling tent outside and set it up in the backyard. As the sun set, Matt hurried up to his room to get his pillow and blanket. We got out the flashlights, books and crackers for a bedtime snack in the tent. As we got ready, I became annoyed with Steve. He took no part in our preparations or excitement.

"You guys have fun. I'll just hold the fort in here and answer the phone if it rings."

Right. Why do I have to do this alone? Arenʼt we supposed to be a family? I shot him my disapproval with a look. By eight, Matt and I were ready. It was Saturday night on our country road. Crickets, frogs and owls made the only sounds. We closed our books, turned off our flashlights, and kissed goodnight.

"WE ARE FAM-IL-EEEE!" What was that? I lifted the tent flap. Somewhere to the east, dance music split the night. There was a party going on, and they were playing our song. We tried to sleep but it was just too noisy.

"I give up!" I sighed. "Let's go back in the house. We can try again tomorrow."

"Okay, let's see what Dad is doing." Matt helped me gather up pillows, books, flashlights and blankets. "Too bad it got so noisy out there," said Steve, munching on chips and watching the Yankees play a night game on TV.

"Can I stay up with Dad?" Matt was already snuggling next to Steve on the couch. "I want to watch the game."

It was late, and I was about to say no, but the sight of them together opened a window into my past, where my memory of camping with Aaron is stored. I saw that it was not the tent, but being together, late at night, that made the memory special. I thought of Aaron, now twenty-five and living his own life in another town.

"Sure, Matt." I smiled and raised my eyebrows at Steve. We are a family, even if we don't enjoy all of the same things. Baseball is not my sport, but Steve and Matt were about to create a summer nighttime memory of their own. I took my book to bed and left them to it.

----Linda C. Wisniewski is the author of Off Kilter: A Woman's Journey to Peace with Scoliosis, Her Mother, and Her Polish Heritage (Pearlsong Press, 2008).

She writes for the Bucks County Herald and teaches memoir classes for Bucks County Community College. Visit Linda's website: http://www.lindawis.com/.

Thanks to the editors of WOW for introducing me to Linda.

http://www.allynevans.com/, http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/

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The Grandparent Connection

2008-11-12T09:51:00.006-06:00

Occasionally, I will be inviting featured guests to blog. If you'd like to be featured, please email me. To be included, your stories need to be inspiring and positive. I'm mainly seeking stories about how you started or how you managed to create a life you enjoy and are passionate about.

Please enjoy Guest Blogger and Author Gayle Trent...

Gayle lives in Bristol, Virginia with her husband, daughter and son. Gayle previously worked in the accounting and legal fields, and her last such job was as secretary to a Deputy Commissioner in the Virginia Workers' Compensation Commission. Though she enjoyed the work, it was a long daily commute and she felt she wasn't spending enough time with her family. Now she writes while her children are at school; and thanks to a crock pot and a bread machine, can often have dinner ready when everyone gets home.

Feature Article
After having children of my own and seeing my parents with my children, I'm inclined to agree with Bill Cosby who said, "These are not the people I grew up with! These are old people who are trying to get into Heaven!"

But does the "grandparent connection," i.e., the love, the spoiling, the attitudes, work the other way as well? Would a child treat a grandparent differently than he/she would treat a parent?

I asked myself this question one weekend as I was giving my eighty-six-year-old grandmother a makeover. Yes, a makeover. If you knew my grandmother, you'd understand. You see, Grandmother has not had a pie life. In fact, she's had more than her fair share of rough spots. Yet, through it all, she held her head up proudly knowing, as she'd so often been told, that she was one of the prettiest women in town.

"I used to be…." Most often a sentence that begins with those four words is tinged with sadness…a sense of something once treasured and now forever lost. "I used to be one heck of a ballplayer when I was in school," says the man in a wheelchair. "I used to be a seamstress and sew all my own clothes," says the woman whose hands are so arthritic she can barely move them. "I used to be the prettiest woman in Saltville," says my Grandmother.

She doesn't go many places anymore; but when she does, she wants to look nice. A couple of weeks ago, she was going to a church function so she put on some makeup. According to my mother, Grandmother's cheeks looked like they were flaming. At my mother's appalled expression, Grandmother asked, "I have on too much rouge, don't I?" She then went and washed her face.

I knew she wanted to look as good as she could. I also knew she'd forgotten everything she'd ever known about makeup. So I went out and got all the little goodies women love to play with—from moisturizer to lipstick—and I called and asked Grandmother if she'd like a makeover. Sounding as excited as a child on her birthday, she said she'd love it.

My mother was having a party on Saturday, so I went up an hour early to help Grandmother get fixed up. Again, I was struck by her childlike behavior—wide-eyed, obedient, trusting—as I treated her to a makeover. When I finished, she asked for a mirror. "This is not me," she said, at first glance. I thought she was disappointed until she elaborated. "I look beautiful." And she did. [The downside is that now she wants me to do her makeup when she's dead, but I digress.]

The entire incident made me wonder: Grandparents will go above and beyond for their grandchildren, but will the grandchildren return the favor when they're grown? It has long been established that as we and our parents age, our roles reverse. What of the roles of grandparents and grandchildren? Do the grandchildren go back and coddle their grandparents, or do they leave them by the wayside?

If, like me, you were given loads of love, called "angel" and taught the value of a Peppermint Pattie®, you should repay that love with love. If you were driven around on country roads in a Dodge Swinger® with the windows down while singing Broadway show tunes at the top of your lungs, you can at least brighten a day or two with a phone call or a card. And what harm would it do you to bring a smile to the face of someone who searched far and wide for the riding toy you rode the wheels off of?

If you only take, soon there will be nothing to be taken. But if you give, there will always be something coming back to you.
-----
About Gayle Trent:
Gayle Trent is a full-time author. She is currently at work on a new cozy mystery series involving her hobby, cake decorating. The series features Daphne Martin, a 40-year-old divorcee who has begun the second phase of her life with a new home and a new business venture--Daphne's Delectable Cakes.

To find out more about Gayle, visit her websites: http://www.gayletrent.com/ or http://gayle24202.tripod.com/. If you share an interest in cake decorating, please visit Daphne's Web site, available via click-through from either of Gayle's sites or at http://www.gayle24202.tripod.com/id9.html.

Murder Takes the Cake is the first book in the Daphne Martin Cake Decorating Mystery Series. Murder Takes the Cake was a semi-finalist in Amazon.com's Breakthrough Novel Award Contest."Yodel Watson was dead. And some people blamed my spice cake."When the meanest gossip in Brea Ridge dies mysteriously, suspicions turn to cake decorator Daphne Martin. But all Daphne did was deliver a spice cake with cream cheese frosting. And find Yodel's body. Now Daphne's got to help solve the murder and clear her good name. Problem is, her Virginia hometown is brimming with people who had good reason to kill Yodel, and Daphne's whole family is among them.-------------

Thanks to the gang at WOW! Women On Writing for introducing me to Gayle!

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/

First Woman Walks the Lost Arrow Spire Highline

2008-11-09T14:58:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jA3A5RQB1Lk

First Woman Walks Across the Lost Arrow Spire Highline

This video is bound to inspire you!

Shoot for the Moon

2008-11-04T16:18:00.008-06:00

I love this quotation by motivational speaker, Les Brown: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.”

I've used this quotation as a theme for presentations. I recently revisited Brown's words and others while preparing for a presentation I will doing this weekend at the Girl Scout sponsored Teens and Tweens Conference in Edmond, OK.

Here are a few good ones I've heard or read over the years:

1. There are always things you can do to improve your life and your circumstances. Always.

2. Author Richard Carlson tells us: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…because it’s all small stuff.

3. Not everyone will like you.

4. Somebody will always be prettier and smarter than you.

5 The greatest gift you can give yourself is to discover your talents, gifts and strengths and then, polish them.

I'll end with another favorite by Shad Helmstetter. "It isn’t the big choices we make that have the greatest impact on our lives; it’s usually the smallest choices we make that affect us the most."

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/

You're Going to Make It After All

2008-10-25T18:08:00.002-05:00

What a fun dream...

Not too long ago I woke up in the middle of the night with the theme song of Mary Tyler Moore playing in my head.

Here's to knowing that you too will "make it after all."

Power of Choice

2008-10-08T16:36:00.006-05:00

Have you ever heard of the "Daffodil Principle?" I love this story and use it often when talking to young girls about pursuing their goals.

The story of "The Daffodil Principle" originally appeared nearly ten years ago in Jaroldeen Edwards' book Celebration!

Here's how it goes...

The daughter kept pestering the mother, "Mom, come visit us. We'll go see the Daffodil Garden."

Eventually, the mother made time and visited her daughter's home one Tuesday morning.

The day turned out to be cold and rainy, but the mother made the trip anyway. Before arriving she had already decided she would tell her daughter they would go see the daffodils another day. The roads had been slippery and the fog had set in.

But her daughter wasn't so easily swayed. "No mom. We're going. You must see the daffodils."

The mother, daughter and grandchildren all piled in the car. "It's only a few blocks from here," the daughter said.

After a twenty minute drive they turned down a gravel road. They stopped beside a small church. Posted on the wall of the church read a sign, "Daffodil Garden". They parked and headed in the direction the sign indicated.

As they turned the corner, the mother looked up.

She saw thousands of daffodils. The colors varied: deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. The daffodils covered five acres.

The mother asked her daughter who planted the flowers. Her daughter said, "One woman." She pointed out the house where the woman lived. They made their way to the house. On the front porch they found a sign that read:

"Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking".

The first statement answered the question of how many. It read "50,000 bulbs." The second statement explained how the daffodils were planted: "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." And the last statement answered the question of when the lady started. "1958."

The mother walked away from the Daffodil Garden forever changed. She couldn't stop thinking about the woman who had planted one bulb at a time.

The visit changed the mother's life. She understood the lesson. She realized that it only takes small steps to move forward towards your goals and desires. The mother learned: "When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. "

We too will find that we can write a book, build a business, make new friends, reach our financial goals. Yes, we can change our world one small step at a time.

There's a little more to the story...
In 1999 Gene Bauer's ranch house burned down. The daffodils survived.

www.allynevans.com
www.thealertparent.blogspot.com

Abracadabra. They've Put a Spell on You!

2008-09-28T15:37:00.008-05:00

In keeping with the recent theme...

Hocus Pocus. Abracadabra. Remind you a little of Practical Magic? Witchcraft. Trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Forgive the drama, but unfortunately it’s true. Spells exist. Big spells. Little spells. We live in a world where spells are cast and someone falls prey.

You are probably right now under the influence of more than one spell.

Take a breath—it’s not life threatening. But it is serious. According to one of my favorite authors, Caroline Myss, a spell is a mental lock-in. She explained to her Hay House radio listening audience: “What if someone says, ‘You look terrible today?’ You accept the spell. Voilà. You feel terrible all day.”

Mrs. Middleton taught me speech and typing in high school. One day I wore a black t-shirt with jeans to school. She pulled me aside. “Allyn, I must tell you. You look sick when you wear black. Never wear black near your face.” Do I wear black against my face now? Do I have to tell you the answer to that question?

A spell is like a superstition:
“I can’t lose weight.”
“I can’t succeed.”
“I’m stupid.”

Here’s the deal. You have locked into a false belief. FALSE. A superstition. Did a black cat just walk underneath the ladder? Did you break a mirror? You now have seven years of bad luck.

I cringed as I listened to Caroline. Thinking I don’t look good in black. Spell. Believing women over 40 can’t lose weight. Spell.

Here’s what is not a spell: I am five feet, three inches tall. Here’s another … I was born in New Orleans.

Spellcasters don’t have to be witches either. It can be Ms. Middleton, my well-intentioned high school teacher, who was only trying to help. It can be your mom. Your best friend. Your spouse. Spellcasters can have your best interest at heart. Really. Or so they think.

Recently my husband and I attended a school event. We ate lunch with our daughter. Her friend’s parents couldn’t come, and we invited the child to join us. We laughed. Joked. Then it was time to leave.

Later that evening my daughter reported, “Sylvia told me some things about you.” “What?” I asked. You know about curiosity and the cat.

“She said dad is bald and you are a little wide in the hips.” Ouch. Cats are part of spell casting magic. And to think I had been feeling pretty good about my appearance. As much as I tried not to let them, the spell of a nine-year-old girl’s words stung. A child speaks, and I ask, “Are my hips that wide?”

The reality is…spells are cast all the time. Ricocheting from parents, friends, teachers, magazines, movies, commercials, the culture itself—you know, groupthink—and most of us are immediately spellbound.

Hollywood casts spells. TV casts spells. Fashion casts spells. Let’s talk about the popular TV reality show What Not To Wear. Hosts Jillian Hamilton and Clinton Kelly grab unsuspecting victims turned in by friends or family who are only trying to help. Jillian and Clinton give it to them about their lack of fashion sense.

And Jillian and Clinton are NOT nice. They put Little Janie in a room with surround mirrors. Talk about my worst nightmare. They have Little Janie try on her awful clothes and tell her why she looks so terrible. They then send spellstung Little Janie off with $5,000 to get her new look.

When she returns, Janie is told why everything she selected using their rules and expert advice works for her. “See Janie. The flared leg is so much more slimming.” Little Janie, who is now smiling and so pleased with her self, nods in agreement. “Remember those slim cut jeans you used to own. You know the ones we threw in the trash? They made you look 10 pounds heavier.”

Scriiiiitch. Slim cut jeans are back! What does Little Janie do now? Little Janie looks fat in slim cut jeans. The spell has been cast. And the spell has been accepted. How can Janie believe anything else? The famous TV Fashion People told her she looked fat in slim cut jeans.

Even though I don’t know a spell to counter a spell, I do know a place to begin—a way to stop at least one spell. It’s black-t-shirt-buying time. That’s what time it is. And after that it’s time to wear my black t-shirt. And you know what? I’m going to look damn good in it too. Poof. Spell be gone.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.happilyeveraftertoday.blogspot.com/
http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/

Little Handprints on the Mirror

2008-09-20T16:46:00.009-05:00

As I was washing my face the other night, I glanced up at the mirror. There were my daughter's handprints. That really grumbled me out. Who did she think was going to clean this up?

Then I saw it. The dead gnat.

We had been invaded by gnats. I hadn't paid much attention earlier in the evening when Addy had announced she was helping rid us of them, but here in front of me was the evidence. Addy had been fighting the fight for our side.

My daughter, gnat-killer, all around good girl. What mother can resist such a calling card? I grabbed the camera.

Guess what's still on my mirror?

Allyn

http://www.allynevans.com/

http://www.thealertparent.blogspot.com/

Beyond Bad Hair

2008-09-15T13:38:00.006-05:00

I love to walk into a bookstore and then wait for a book to find me. And you know, 'it' always does. On this particular trip with hubby and daughter in tow, a book titled The Merry Recluse caught my attention. The book is a compilation of mostly reprints from a weekly Boston Phoenix column written by the late Carolyn Knapp. I first experienced Caroline's work when I read Appetites: Why Women Want.

Caroline, like Anne Lamont of Traveling Mercies shares openly the chapters of her life. I mean, she tells it all—good, bad and the ugly, and everything in-between. Caroline had so many demons, but the ones that plagued her the most were food and alcohol. Eventually, Caroline died of cancer in 2002. She was only 42 years old.

The other day, one essay grabbed my attention. Actually, she intended to make us laugh with this one. But as I read it, I wasn't laughing. The words were laced with pain. In “Beyond Bad Hair: Thin Lips, Square Breasts, and Other Horrors" Caroline shares things that plagues most women. She claims having a bad hair day is the least of our worries.

She shared plenty of other examples with us:

*Why-are-these-pants-pinching-me-around-the-waist Day. (Been there, done that.)
*My-lips-are-too-thin Day. (Can’t say that I own that one.)
*Since-when-have-my-pores-been-so-cavernous Day. (Oh, yes … definitely been there.)

Although I don't have all the same thoughts or moments, I do understand what she's saying. And I bet that most women reading her book or this article do too.

My recent beyond-bad-hair-day moments go something like this...

*My-face-is-swollen-and-my-eyes-are-puffy Day
*Where-did-those-new-wrinkles-come-from Day
*When-did-I-start-growing-gray-hair-on-my-arms Day (That happened yesterday.)

Probably the one that tickled me the most was Caroline’s mention of the: Oh-no-I-missed-a-patch-of-hair-on-my-knee Day. Okay, so I seem to have more of those than I care to mention.

And then it slaps me right in the face ... and Caroline has the perfect ending to it all. "God, it's hard to be a girl!" Amen, Caroline. Amen.

It is hard to be a girl. I'm ready to play another game now. So here's to trying especially hard to put this beyond-bad-hair thinking to rest. Really, I'm not listening anymore. Remember what I wrote last week?

Yep, it’s hard to be a girl, but today it just got a whole lot easier. And I’ll be the first to admit I’m SO not there yet, but baby, I’m getting closer with each passing day. Now, that’s something to celebrate.

Watching Hummingbirds Fight

2008-09-10T11:51:00.010-05:00

While enjoying our backyard the other day, I watched six hummingbirds fight over our hummingbird feeder. This amused me. You see, I was “seeing” from a higher perspective.

I could see how absurd it was to fight over something so plentiful. There was enough nectar for any hummingbird that could possibly find our little feeder. I knew because I was the hummingbird feeder filler. I had access to an infinite supply of nectar and I would be diligent in keeping it full for my little friends.

It occurred to me … we are like the hummingbirds.

http://www.allynevans.com/

Oh Where Oh Where Did My Mean Voice Go?

2008-09-02T14:39:00.010-05:00

Oh where oh where can She be?

She’s still hanging around, but her power is diffused. Remember, it took me six years to get her under wraps. Here’s hoping that you have a much shorter ride.

Remember it’s not about quieting the mind. In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying Sogyal Rinpoche says: “By its very nature, the mind cannot be still—cannot be silent. Thus the dichotomy—and the frustration—the creation of another self inflicting weapon of inadequacy.”

What did I do? First I became aware. Yes, it’s been established that I had a Mean Voice—a powerful mean voice—at work in my life. What about you? Did you take the Self-Bash challenge?

Step Two: Create Replacement Statements.

For the mean voice change things like:
"I am stupid" to “Life is all about learning.”
"I am fat" to “I’m making healthy choices now.” If you are not, though, don’t use this one.
Maybe instead say: “Acceptance is the first step.” Or, “I like me.” Or, if you can’t say you love yourself, then you can think more about the function of your body. “My body is my friend.”

The key is choice. Don't grapple with your inner critic. Simply notice her fully, and then choose to redirect your awareness—or not.

Mean Voice taming takes time and effort just like improving your ability to paint or play tennis. The good news is…practice works. If you keep at it eventually the mean voice will be background white noise and you will become an expert in inserting your replacement phrases.

So, it is worth it to take on your Mean Voice? YES. YES. YES.

What’s waiting at the end of this road?

As far as my own personal journey…
Identifying and then taming my own mean voice was the first step I took towards living the life I desired. I slowly, but surely stopped second guessing myself.

When you stop being directed by your mean voice, which can happen I promise, you are happier and more at peace. Stopping the onslaught of negativity meant I could finally have the confidence and COURAGE to move forward towards my own goals and dreams. And I did. With each step I grew stronger and more directed.

Life Coach Sondra Kornblatt claims:
“While your Critic won't disappear, you can change your relationship to it. Instead of being an inescapable wall, you learn to see your Critic as boulders (rocks, stones) in a field. You can move around or climb over them! Your true self finds its flow.”

What’s next? After you clean up your inner critic, then you can begin to tap in to your intuition—you can hone your ability to “hear” your internal guidance and walk the path you were put here to take. Oh, another great topic for later!

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com

Self-Bash Test...Double Dog Dare You to Take It!

2008-08-29T17:01:00.009-05:00

So what did I do to rid myself of self-bashing? It started with recognition—the recognition that I had a mean voice barking inside my head.

Although I can’t tell you the exact date, I can give you range of time that I made this discovery.

Not sure why, but I remember scenes from the day I took the “Do-You-Self-Bash” test. I can see myself walking through the den to my dining room. My dining room wall had floor to ceiling mirrors.

Every time I made the trek from my den to my kitchen, I walked by the mirrors. And every time I walked by the mirrors, I called myself names. I’d been reading a book, sorry but now I don’t remember the author or title. The author talked about the mean voice. The author asked us to take note of how often our mean voice piped up. Yep, I knew I had one, but I didn’t know how insistent and cruel she was until I took the test.

The test. It was simple. For three days we were asked to pay attention to every time the mean voice spoke—how often and what she said.

It only took me less than one day to realize I had a serious problem. My mean voice barked at me almost every thirty seconds. Yes, every thirty seconds.

Something was terribly wrong with that picture. The year was 2002.

You do the math. It took me six years …

Here’s what I’m hoping. That by sharing what I did and learned, we can cut your learning curve by years. There is no guarantee, but there’s always hope.

Next time we’ll delve deeper into this subject.

I love comments!

www.allynevans.com

Mean Voice Go Away Come Again Another Day

2008-08-25T13:42:00.010-05:00

Before I begin the act of telling you how I managed to overcome the mean voice inside my head, I want to share with you something I wrote about five years ago. It's my hope by sharing the story, you might see yourself. If you see yourself, then it is also my hope that you believe the mean voice can be tamed. As I blog on this topic, I'll be talking about how to rid yourself of the meanest person you know — your own Mean Voice.

Okay, so I'm not ready to give you the keys to my journal (oh dear way too private), but I can at least give you a snapshot of how tortured I was by the mean voice.

Here's a short essay I wrote after Christmas one year.

Family photo from 1968...

I love visiting my family. I really do. And the older I am the better it gets. Still plagued by the “mean” voice, though, I’m not completely comfortable once there. My mean voice says things like, “Yep, I knew it. My sister looks better than me. Thin. Able to wear tight jeans.”

Thank goodness with each passing year the mean voice gets less and less attention. And it just so happens that I don't care as much about my physical appearance anymore. Oh this doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw in the towel—no, I still regularly play tennis and walk or jog five times a week.

I’m simply finding contentment. But I say that, and yet I’m still tortured. As I roll out of bed and glance at my hands I say, “Yep, just as I thought…swollen.” I chide myself for failing to remain on the low-carb fare in preparation for the visit. Looking in the mirror, I fuss at my face. “Fat. Yuck. Control yourself. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

Then, I start with the promises. “Next time. Next time.” And finally I realize how hopeless my optimism is. Suddenly I’m tired and angry. Feeling fat makes me snap—makes me grouchy. But despite the unwelcomed arrival of the mean voice, I still laughed. I still smiled. Better yet, I left feeling more loved than not.

Even with my tortured experience others told me I looked radiant and beautiful. Graciously I accepted, but deep down didn’t believe them. Regardless love and laughter flowed to and from me and all the while I felt a profound connection to many people, some related some not. This week I loved them all and this week I felt they all loved me back—faults, mean voice and all.

Stay tuned. We'll continue on this thread for a little longer.

Nothing Outside My Self Controls Me

2008-08-22T12:29:00.012-05:00

So what have I been doing this summer? Mostly I took time off. That’s what I try to do when my daughter is out of school. I did work on finishing the next book in my spare time.
Although what appeared on the surface to be a most unproductive summer I got through the first draft of my manuscript and now am in the middle of rewrites with my editor.

Yes, I did stop and celebrate.

But something even better happened. Do you remember my affirmation about not allowing things outside of my self to control me? If I’d give you the keys to my journal, you’d see that I struggled all summer long with all those things outside of me. I wouldn’t drink Diet Coke, then I would. I wouldn’t drink alcohol, then I would. I wouldn’t eat chips (or all those wonderful tasty “bad-for-you” foods) and then I would.

And if you were holding all my journals, you’d discover I’d been writing about “those things” controlling me for thirty something years. You read right. Thirty something years.

Finally I can say and mean it: “Nothing outside myself controls me,” which has led to an even greater feat—no more self bashing. Again you read right. And a new place of being for me. Ahhh. It feels good. So good.

On the magic day ...What magic day? ... There was no magic day….

It simply happened. Nope. No anniversary date. I can’t tell you at what exact moment “it” happened. And although it might reek of something “happening overnight,” please recall the reference to my journals. NOT.

This releasing has taken many prayers, books, conversations, essays and more prayers. But more than that this releasing took years—many, many years.

In the next few posts, I’ll share what I did including books that have helped me find my way.

But for now, all I want to do is enjoy the remaining days of my summer. Yes, I think I'll take a swim! Happy diving.

Back, Back, Back, Back to the Blog

2008-08-20T15:57:00.004-05:00

Summer got in the way of my blogging. Let's just say my family and I enjoyed our time together at our pool. School is back in full swing and so am I.
More updates soon!

Eating A Little Humble Pie

2008-03-08T15:21:00.013-06:00

You see it's now time to confess. Things outside of my self still control me. It's the bugaboo haunting me at the moment. Sometimes I win more than others and sometimes I lose even more. It occurs to me as I confess that through my struggles, the best intro for the topic of humility has been found. Because by confessing, you'll find me eating several pieces of humble pie today.

Pull up your chair and join me. Yum. This pie tastes good.

Interestingly, despite my inability to keep my promises to myself lately, I am still not reverting to self-bashing. Now that does feel GOOD. But I am still not winning this inner war. Still things outside of me have power. So far, I have yet to wage a strong enough battle.

Carolyn Myss would tell me to "Get a backbone."

"I hear you, Caroline, I hear you."

My confession demonstrates my weakness. My weakness and confusion could, note the operative word here is "could", lead to humiliation. Could. But it doesn't. It's my choice of whether or not to allow my failure to humiliate me or not. And this time, I am saying no to humiliation. Chalk one up to the school of life. That is what is going on here. Nothing more. Nothing less. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

And I can make a new promise—a new vow...I can promise myself that I will keep working. I will not give up. Now, that's a promise I think I can keep.

Let's turn our attention to the lesson for today—humiliation.

The only person who allows you to be humiliated is yourself. Do you get what's being said here? Only we can label something as humiliating or embarrassing. No other person can humiliate us. Yes, they be cruel and unkind. But the decision to be humiliated is ours—and only ours to make.

If you find yourself saying things like, "I am humiliated, or I am so embarrassed," then it's likely you are concerned about opinions of others. The good news is you've found your starting point. Begin making decisions for yourself that are not influenced by what others will think about you. Start focusing on your own internal hunches and acting on your own guidance instead of what you think others would like you do.

Wayne Dyer in his book Power of Intention helps us put the opinions of others into perspective: “You’ll find no shortage of opinions directed at you. If you allow them to undermine your self-respect, you’re seeking the respect of others over your own, then you’re abdicating (handing over) yourself.”

Something else Dr. Dyer shared makes sense. “Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others.” He goes on to tell us that we have no control over the mind of someone else. What they think is what they think.

And if we are honest with ourselves, it is humanly impossible to please all the people all of the time. A few years ago, when grappling with this very idea, I had a dream.

In the dream I am sobbing. I am heart broken. I am back in college surrounded by the girls who never liked me. In reality, for one semester I lived with a roommate who disliked me and openly shared her feelings. In the middle of my sobbing, I heard a clap of thunder and a loud voice say, "Allyn you cannot be liked by everyone."

The message was powerful. The message changed my life.

Now the message can also change yours. Do you feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders?

Dr. Dyer said, “Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you.”
Amen. Wayne. Amen.

Would love to hear your comments. Your thoughts and ideas are helpful to others. I promise!

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/
http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/

Keeping Blankety Blank Promises to My Self

2008-02-26T17:32:00.015-06:00

I know. I know. I promised to talk about humiliation this time.

But keeping promises to myself got in the way again. You'll recall, a few posts ago, I talked about this promise-keeping business. I made a vow. And let me tell you, I take vows seriously. While hanging around in an airport, not by choice mind you, I discovered what I thought was a key piece to ending self-bashing once and for all. (To read that post first, click here.)

After that epiphany I made a pledge. Drum roll, please.

I pledged to stay on a health program for thirty days. What I didn't say before is that I also pledged to give up things I love, including Diet Coke. My new mantra explains my desire: "Nothing outside of myself controls me." I didn't want to need caffeine. I didn't want to have to have a Diet Coke for things to be okay (first thing in the morning, at break, at lunch, at...well, you get the picture).

Last weekend, I made a pre-meditated decision to break my promise to myself. I tossed all the rules out the window and purchased the BIG BAD THREE—Diet Coke, alcohol and chips. And my splurge was Fabulous! My Saboteur stepped in and sealed the deal. I had a Diet Coke with my pre-dinner snack of chips. And drank wine with supper. Some of you are thinking so what? The what is I made a promise to not buy or consume the BIG BAD THREE for thirty days. I was working on day number 18. I will not tell you about the following Monday. Let's just say...tennis ladies event, we weren't on the courts and it involved a restaurant.

Before I continue on...I also want you to understand that I believe in moderation and not the complete banning of everything I enjoy FOREVER. It's just that I made this promise. A stupid promise. A promise I now know I couldn't keep.

Okay so here's how the old routine would go after falling off the proverbial wagon, "You suck. You're terrible. You're twisted. What's your freakin' problem?" I'd also throw in a few slams about how I looked too.

I waited. And waited. But the self-bashing never came. Hmmm. I thought this self-loathing business was because I couldn't keep promises to myself. Yep, I definitely broke a promise. Hmmm. Maybe it's not that simple.

This time after walking backwards, I responded differently. My response contains the answer. Instead of calling myself names, I asked questions. "Wonder why I did that? Wonder why I took two steps forward and one step back? What is the trigger? And how do I make it stop? How do I truly step into the idea that nothing outside of myself controls me?"

So what changed?

Then it hit me. I realized, wow, I am still making progress and I am still moving forward in the direction of health. If I looked back to 18 days previously, I was a person who allowed things outside of herself to control her. Fast forward to my new reality. Wow. I don't have to drink Diet Coke all day anymore. My home-made lemonade concoction and plain old fashioned water suit me fine.

I skipped self-bashing, self-loathing and immediately jumped to, "but look...I didn't drink Diet Coke for 18 days. I feel better because I haven't had any alcohol for that long." (Well, it was 18 days without, if you forget the glass of wine I had while in the hot tub.) I even caught myself repeating Scarlett O'Hara. "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

And then came yet another "aha" moment. It was a key piece that I didn't find on my way to Chicago. The key is not to swear away every detail. Don't make proclamations like, "I will NOT do this for this many days." All you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. Instead make sweeping, global, grand promises. Like, "I will make healthier choices." So the vow becomes a general statement..."I will make healthier choices. I will be more loving. I will be more forgiving. I will take action."

The key is the "big picture" statement. Forget perfection. It's the continued practice that moves us in the right direction. Also important are how you classify the "how-to's" like no diet coke, less wine, no chips. The how-to's are the guidelines—not the vow.

That's why I didn't turn to self-bashing this time. I'm still on course to being healthier. For the most part, I am making healthier choices. And now I can say, "Nothing outside myself controls me," and mean it. Yes, I still might want the things I have deemed not healthy, and I will have them occasionally. But I don't have to have them to function. I no longer waste energy thinking about how to get them anymore...when I don't have them.

What's the next step. We keep our promises to ourselves by staying true to the overall objective and by not getting bogged down in the rules (guidelines). And when we take a few missteps (meaning we break a guideline), we stand up dust ourselves off and we continue to keep plugging away by jumping back in the wagon and continuing what we've started.

Next time...we'll tackle humiliation. Now that's a fun one.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. We're launching a brand new on-line community for moms and girls this spring. I'll be giving you details soon. It will be much more interactive than QueenPower.com. You'll be able to blog, comment and chitchat on our forums. You'll be able to add photos and video to your personal pages. There will also be the opportunity to organize your own groups within our community. For example, we're looking for someone to run our book club group for moms and daughters. Oh and incase you don't think your computer skills are up for it...you'll be pleasantly surprised. It's very easy to join and use!

For any writers who subscribe to QueenPower.com, we are looking for bloggers on subjects relevant for moms and girls. If you an interest, please email me.

Lessons From My Teacher

2008-02-13T17:54:00.015-06:00

Caroline Myss

Update: Something interesting happened to me after writing this initial post. Obviously our earthly teachers, mentors and guides are humans...just like us. As humans we make mistakes and have opinions for starters. By her own admission, Caroline Myss labels herself "obnoxiously opinionated." On this we both agree! However, there are many times that I have not agreed with Caroline Myss. After listening to the taped version of my missed Chicago seminar, I realized just how far apart we are in some basic ideologies. And sometimes her "obnixious opinions" interfered with my ability to absorb a lesson or a point. Certainly, I don't think that was her intention, but nevertheless it's what happened to me.

So, will I continue to claim her as a teacher?

Yes. Yes, I will. Is it okay that I disagree with her? Yes. Yes, it is.

Original Post
She doesn't know she's my teacher. I take that back. Maybe she does. Maybe she saw the roster with my name and the names of 250 other students on it a few weeks ago. Never mind that I never made it to the class in the first place. Remember the failed trip to Chicago?

But surely she knows. Right?

Of course she doesn't know. And the truth is it really doesn't matter. Whether we ever exchange a word or not isn't important because I have learned so much simply by reading my teacher's words and listening to her lectures and radio show. What matters is what I have learned.

Today, while doing some mindless tasks I tuned in to Caroline Myss's most recent radio show archived on HayHouse Radio. During the show, she talked about self-esteem. This piqued my interest because I have been talking to GirlTech students recently about self-esteem.

She told us things I already know, but what I love about my teacher is that she articulates the ideas so beautifully. Makes me want to say: "Yeah, what she said."

Caroline explained to a caller, "Each person has to earn self-esteem." I agree. People don't arrive here fully loaded with or without the self-esteem gene. It's something that living your life helps you grow. Some of us have more challenges than others, sometimes this makes a person grow stronger and sometimes, it leaves one with stuff to overcome. No matter, it's the culmination of our experiences and how we deal with them that develop or destroy our concept of self.

Caroline said something else that interested me. She said, "The illusion is that you get self-esteem by pleasing others." When we think about this we know she's right. An important question to ask ourselves is are we still making desicions because of what the all important others might think? Caroline tells us it's as if we think all this people pleasing activity will eventually rid of us our need for approval. If you continue down this path, the opposite is the result. Our need for approval from others intensifies leaving us without confidence and lost. Before signing off today, Caroline gave us some tips about how to help ourselves and to build self-esteem.

So, I'm sharing a little Caroline Myss wisdom with you. To take steps toward a more powerful you:

1. Release the fear of humiliation.
2. Face your fears.
3. And keep promises you make to yourself.

Hmmmm. I think this is easier than it sounds. As always, though, I am up for trying. And you know what? I'll continue this discussion in a few days or so. We'll start with releasing the fear of humiliation first.

Think you'd like to read some of Caroline's books. I suggest starting with "Anatomy of the Spirit." If you have an illness or health issues, you might benefit from her earlier work, "Why People Don't Heal."

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

Never Made It to Chicago

2008-02-03T11:18:00.002-06:00

It wasn't without trying. I happen to head out on the day that snow covered all the
midwestern states. And ended up having flights cancelled on me until I decided to cut my losses and return home. Yes, I could have eventually made it, but...the decision was made because I needed to arrive by a certain time to not miss too much of the conference I was attending.

So, where was I going?

I was going to a CMED training delivered by my favorite author, teacher Caroline Myss.

What's interesting is that even though I never made it to the workshop, I experienced an epiphany. And I thought I needed a workshop for that!

If you've read my book (Grab the Queen Power: http://www.allynevans.com/), you know that I have experienced my share of self-loathing. The book was about my need to figure out why. Working through the process of writing the book, I did figure it out. This figuring out helped me drop much of the self-bashing, but...and here's the hard thing for me to admit...I have not given up all of it.

I still regularly beat myself up. (You know, monkey mind chatter.) A recent dream brought this message home to me. The dream: I was carrying myself up a stairway upside down and with every step I took my head banged against each step. In another round of dreams one night, a bully followed me around and constantly hit me and yelled at me.

Oh dear. And okay, I get it. But I was confused about how to solve this long-lived problem.

I thought the "cure" was to try to love myself as I am. Don't get me wrong...that is part of it. But, I was missing a key piece and it hit me while people-watching at the Kansas City Airport. My loathing has much more to do with my inability to keep promises to myself.

Aha! The cure for me is to keep the promises I make to myself. This means, I need to make promises I can keep...that I am willing to go the distance to keep. For example, if I am going to lose weight, then I must vow to stick to the program until I reached my goal. If I can't do this, then I need to stop making weak promises and forgive myself. The self-love process starts there. "This is who I am and this is where I'll stay by choice."

My choice (after lots of thought) is to make a promise to myself that I will not break. I have made a vow, which in my mind is more than a promise. From this moment until the next thirty days pass, I will repeat the mantra: "Nothing outside of myself controls me," and I will keep my word to myself.

My inner child (do I really have one of those) is throwing a fit. And I'm certain it's the inner child who always helps me break those promises. "I want. I deserve. Wah!" And it's the same voice I will fight for the next thirty days.

Why are the profound answers always simple? Of course, simple doesn't mean easy.

I have no illusions about that. But, I believe in my heart of hearts that I have finally reached a place where I will be able to keep my promises to myself. I'm tired of the old way. The old way has never worked.

Although I had a hard time enjoying my failed trip to Chicago, sitting in airports for hours is not my idea of fun, I celebrate what the "alone-time" delivered to me.

I am optimistic about this next phase of my life. Stay tuned.

http://www.allynevans.com/

You Cannot Be Found

2008-01-12T15:00:00.001-06:00

When I was a teenager, I hung on my wall a banner that read..."You cannot be found, if you were never lost."

I had forgotten all about this until I started digging through some old memory books over the holidays.

Although, at the time I thought I was that person...the one that was never lost. In triumph I hung the words over my bed as a daily remember of how not lost I was.

But in fact, I was lost...and wouldn't find my self for decades.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin. Fun or Fattening?

2007-12-08T15:24:00.003-06:00

Today's blog is something I wrote last year. But it goes along with the last post. Because although I am in a better place, making better choices about food and nutrition, I still love movie popcorn! If I go to the movies, I can't resist. And let's face it. Movie popcorn isn't my only challenge.

Update: Okay, I'm still a work in progress, but I am maintaining the new weight and keeping up the exercise regime. The most difficult challenge comes at night. But I am working on creating new patterns of behavior to help me avoid those times when I simply want to snack on something crunchy, like...ahem...popcorn, or drink those empty calories. Aaaggghhhh.

On that note read about a movie going experience and an epiphany I had last year.

Buttered Popcorn, Buttered Sin

My cousin and I get a chance to go to a grown-up’s movie, a rare treat for moms. No Cars. No Ice Age 2. No Over the Hedge. We can pick a REAL movie. A movie just for us. We pick "The Devil Wears Prada."

“We’ve got to have popcorn.” Sheryll says. “It’s part of the experience.”

I agree. Popcorn, even at top dollar, is a theater MUST. At the popcorn-ordering counter we debate. Small? Medium? Large? I step up to the plate. “We’ll share a medium-sized popcorn.”

“Butter?” the popcorn guy asks.

Butter? My daughter Addy adds butter. I don’t add butter. Butter is full of bad things. Butter kills. I never eat popcorn with butter. NEVER. Dripping, hot, creamy butter? No. No can do. Don’t do butter. Can’t do butter. Okay, I will not lie. I’ve tasted it. When Addy orders butter, I eat half. Oh, butter. But adult women don’t eat butter. Sheryll wouldn’t want butter. Sheryll wouldn’t even like butter. I am confident. Adult women don’t eat butter.

“No butter,” I say.

“What?” Sheryll sounds horrified.
I think she is appalled at the thought of adding butter. I promise I don’t want butter. No butter. “No butter. No butter.”

We have to do this right,” Sheryll says. “We HAVE to have butter.”

I grin.

“Do you want it layered?” Popcorn Guy says. “You know, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter, popcorn, butter?”

Sheryll and I smile. Popcorn Guy gets it. He totally gets it. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Popcorn. Butter. Good. Um. Good. Um. Good.

We watch the movie. We laugh. We eat. We lick our fingers. About halfway through the movie, fashion editor Nigel is disgusted by the excess weight of young, naïve Andy. “You are a size 6. That’s the new 14,” Nigel says. I laugh. I eat more butter. I lick my fingers. I don’t want to think about what size my butter-eating-popcorn-self is.

Later in the movie a character called Emily talks about how she lost weight. “I don’t eat,” she says. “When I feel faint I have a cube of cheese. Works like a charm.” Licking my fingers, I laugh. But deep down inside I don’t laugh.

Emily starves herself. Denies herself. Her level of denial cuts much deeper than anything I could ever muster. She looks good. We would all like to look so good. I bet she wears a size 2. Does that translate into the new size 10? She starves herself because she wants to look great in Paris.

Ah, Paris. The place she yearns to go. Paris of the future. Unreachable Paris. But darn it, despite the self denial, she never makes it to Paris. She sacrifices. She suffers. She gets sidetracked by a head-on car collision. I get it. I finally get it.

All my life I’ve denied myself the butter. The real butter. Why? My trip to Paris comes in other forms. I want to look good. I want others to think I’m in control. I want others to think I have my act together. But for so long I have believed I can only have the happy-ever-after if I’m the right size. So far my Paris hasn’t come. But at the Malco Grandview in Madison, MS, I reach a decision. I don’t need a car crash to totally get it. Whether my over size 6 translates into over the new 14—at this point I don’t really care—my butterless popcorn days are over.

And from now on, it’s not going to be just popcorn with butter. It’s going to be layered.

*****

Do I still eat buttered popcorn? Yep, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. What saves me is that I rarely go to the movies! :) But that's not the point. This weighing, healthy living thing is not about denial. It's about making good choices 80 percent of time.

Enjoy your holidays. Don't overstress about weight, eating or merriment. Enjoy and do the best you can at the moment you are faced with choice. If you do make what you consider a bad choice, don't beat yourself up. And don't make promises you can't keep. Simply live and enjoy being with those you love.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

P.S. The other day the president of a company who sells Stevia sent me a sample of their products to try in my lemonade. I will be testing soon and after Christmas will let you know how it all turned out. I'll give you all the details just in time for all those New Year resolutions we'll be making!

Don't Step on It...It Makes You Cry

2007-11-10T17:00:00.002-06:00

Do you remember the time I asked you to chunk your scales?

Remember?

If you want to read exactly what I said before continuing, click here:

http://allynevans.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2006-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2007-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=2

Here's what I said:

I told you to throw them away. The title was clever: “Scales Belong on Fish”. And oh, I was so clever for thinking up this brand new plan. At the time, I saw it as a way to stop torturing myself.

Now, no moaning please, I have a completely different opinion.

Throwing out my scale was the same as throwing up my hands and symbolic for: “I give.”

You know who won that battle. Nope, not me.

This year when it was time for the annual checkup, two years had lapsed since I had been to the doctor or stepped foot on a scale. I wasn't ready to go there. I had no idea what the outcome would be because I had avoided all scales. And, more importantly, I didn't want to know. I prepared myself for battle.

After my name was called, I followed the nurse to the scale. I looked at her and gave her the “No way Jose” expression.

She arched her eyebrow.

I said, “I will NOT step on the scale.”

“Sorry, Ms Evans, but you must.”

“Will not.”

“Will too.”

“Will not.”

“Will too.”

Of course you know who won this argument. I slipped off my shoes and took off the jacket that I only removed when undressing or at home, you know the “cover-your-flaws” jacket, and stepped on the scale.

The nurse started at a reasonable place. “Well, at least I looked like I weigh less.” Right. Whatever.

I held my breath and looked down. "Yikes! This is bad.” Really bad. Terrible. A disaster.

If you aren't monitoring your weight, it can get away from you and quickly. The same thing goes with finances. Don’t pay attention. Don’t know. Then wham. Not good.

My off-base suggestion in the before mentioned article recommended using your clothes as a guide. After following my own advice for two years, I can tell you using the “how-your-clothes-fit” method to monitor weight does not work. One can wear the same size clothes while going up and down a ten to fifteen pound point spread. Take my word for it. I know.

We can use all kind of inner dialogue to explain away our tight jeans or tight jackets. “Hey, my jeans shrunk in the dryer! Yeah, that’s what happen. Look they still fit! I still wear the same size.”

At the doctor’s office I had a reality check. Things weren't going my way. And the direction I was heading meant I’d be changing pant sizes really soon. If I continued on my path of denial, the size would be bigger. Who was I kidding anyway? If you are using the “stick-your-head-in-the-sand” approach to anything in your life, stop right now! Take stock. Look at it. Size it up.

Face the facts.

When you do this, you can create a plan that will allow you to make change. You can make small changes to help you correct the scale, the budget or reduce debt. Self-correcting doesn't have to be difficult or hard. This is the "magic key" I recently discovered about weight. Making small changes that you will be able to do over the long haul will give you the best results. A quick fix is not best and creating a program you can't stay with isn't either.

When playing tennis today, I listened to some “just-the-right-size” ladies on my court. “I never eat after 8:00 p.m.,” the size eight said.

“Me neither,” the size four replied.

What an interesting concept. Add scales, make a few rules and without much effort new habits and patterns are formed. I decided at that very moment I would adopt the rule too.

The previous night, I had cut off all food and drink at 7:00 p.m. The medic hired by my life insurance company called me and told me to fast for 12 hours. She was scheduled to do my blood work the next morning. Because of my fasting experience, I had already thought about this rule. “What if I didn't allow myself to eat or drink after 7:00 p.m.? It would probably help me lose weight.” Hearing those ladies talk about it confirmed that maybe I was on to something. I liked their cut off time better and changed my 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.

Some good news…

Since weighing at the doctors a month and a half ago, I’ve lost eleven pounds. How do I know? Medic Lady weighed me today. My actual weight surprised me. This time, it made me happy. I had no idea I had lost that much weight. My “clothes” method hadn't told me this at all. Sure, I knew my clothes fit better, but not eleven pounds better!

I have more pounds to go. With new rules in place, like don’t eat after 8:00 p.m., don’t eat when full, make healthy choices, and walk five days a week, I am ready to keep going. Now I see a scale for what it is—an instrument of measure. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s simply a tool to help me know when I need to be more attentive to what I eat or how much I exercise. The mystery has finally been solved for me.

Want to know what is working for me after thirty something years of self - bashing and struggling with my willpower?

1. Don’t eat past fullness. If you use this method, you don’t have to continually deny yourself.

2. Use the 80/20 percent rule. I make an effort to make healthy choices at least 80 percent of the time. This frees me up to indulge occasionally without playing the guilt game.

3. Exercise regularly. Right now my exercise of choice is walking. While in the weight loss phase, I’m going a little overboard on this…meaning, I walk more than I plan to do for maintenance purposes. For the short - term, it will not be problem. I read, rehearse presentations or watch TV while I walk on my treadmill. Walking outside, of course, is always an option. I also play tennis for fun two days weekly. Find exercises you can enjoy so you will continue for the long - term.

4. Include some type of resistance training. My latest discovery is the band. I love it! Prevention magazine did a study and found women who used the band were most successful in losing weight and inches. They compared the band users to groups who repeatedly did yoga, pilates, dumbbell training or floor exercises.

5. Reduce the number of diet cokes (or soft drinks you are drinking). If you are drinking fully loaded versions, you know the ones with sugar, you’ll notice an immediate difference! For so many years, I couldn't break myself of the diet coke habit, but now I limit my consumption to three or less 12 oz servings a day. In its place, I drink homemade lemonade. I sweeten the lemonade with Stevia. Stevai is a low-carbohydrate, low-sugar supplement that has a negligible effect on your blood glucose levels. You can buy Stevia on line or at your local health food store. It’s listed as a supplement. The lemons and Stevia aren't cheap, but they are not any more expensive than diet cokes. The lemonade tastes so good that it’s easy for me choose to drink it over diet coke.

If you have a tip you want to share, leave a comment. We love to talk in cyberspace. And anything to help each other feel our best is always welcomed!

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

If you are a writer and interested in learning more Amazon.com and all the things you can do with your Amazon.com account, check out http://www.talkingallthingswrite.blogspot.com/.

It includes information I shared with Red Dirt Book Festival participants last week!

Too Little Time

2007-11-04T16:19:00.001-06:00

Moms are plagued by "Too Little Time" Syndrome. With only one child, I am forever impressed by my friends and family members who have more than one. And those who have three or more, and still function, I am MOST impressed.

This syndrome also feeds another, which I call "Fragmented" Syndrome. We mothers end up all over the map without much time to focus on what calls to us.

Add jobs and household obligations to those two conditions and you get frustration! One childless friend of mine swears by the FlyLady. She teaches the "Rule of 15 Minutes." She claims she wrote her first book using this rule. And that she has another (yet-to-be-published) book that she wrote in ONLY fifteen minute increments. It's tentatively called the "Fifteen Minute Book".

Hmmmm.

Off to use what little time I have to work on my second book. Let's see, where's that timer.

Until next time,

Allyn Evans

http://www.allynevans.com/

http://www.queenpower.com/

http://www.talkingallthingswrite.blogspot.com/ (for writers)

Don't Jump!

2007-10-25T13:57:00.003-05:00

This is a repeat of an article from my ezine and a follow up to the last round of blog entries. Would love to hear from you about this. I know my subscribers sure had fun giving their opinion.

My most recent blog post sparked some comments and feedback, which of course I always LOVE.

In one response, someone believed she had put the ‘cart before the horse’ and had gone out on her own too early. This going out ‘too early’ ended up in a failed business. I knew exactly what she meant because I’ve “been there and done that!” Another woman said that she needed money now. She was going to fall back on something that had worked before, but felt she was betraying herself. She asked, “What about my dreams?” Another, a divorced mom, simply needed money.

When I wrote “Grab the Queen Power,” I was new to the publishing business and also naïve. At that time the words from “Field of Dreams” danced in my head. You know the famous line, “If you build it, he will come.” Although, I believed the “he” would be a “they,” doesn’t matter because I believed it. Author Marsha Sinetar’s words “Do what you love and the money will follow” became a mantra I repeated often.

And then I jumped. Freefall time. I fell hard and fast. I couldn’t find anything to grab on to—not even some Queen Power! It hurt me, my pocketbook and my confidence.

So, after my ‘been there and done that’…believing those words isn’t as easy anymore.

Sure, those statements and beliefs have measure. However, I now believe things work a little differently.

First off, don’t jump off the cliff. What do I mean by this? I mean don’t quit your day job or try to launch a project or business without the needed resources, skills or courage—this is cliff jumping at its best. It’s scary, it’s unsafe and well, it’s doomed to fail.

The manifesting talk has gone too far and leaves out important information. It’s like putting ice cream on top of poop, as one author put it. You have a mess in front of you—finances, emotions, frustrations and fears, but you cover it up in mantras and vision boards. The truth: there’s a KEY piece missing. Seriously, folks…it’s major. It’s the piece that requires physical action in a very physical world while also demanding you take a hard look at reality.

If you need money to live, you know what? You need money to live. If you are the only source or a major contributor to your family income, then again, it’s probably more likely that you need to be earning money the best way that you know how.

Okay, you know I would never say don’t pursue your dreams. I wouldn’t! But I do say, “Be smart. Take the temporary position or hold on to your current job while you plan, save and pay off debt.” I did this. Others did this.

Make a plan, be patient and in the meantime work on those fears and emotions that continually stop you in your tracks. The time will come when you can jump. But even better, there will come a time—a perfect time—when you’ll choose not to jump, but instead ride off into your sunset.

Have something to say. Email us! We love to cyberspace talk.

Reign on and many blessings,

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

P.S. If you want to know what books we recommend you read, visit: www.queenpower.com/recommended.html. My favorite right now and one not listed yet (because I haven’t finished reading it) is Maria Nemeth’s latest book: Mastering Life’s Energies: Simple Steps to a Luminous Life at Work and Play. If you are challenged with money issues, The Energy of Money is an excellent starter book.

http://www.queenpower.com/

This blog is by Nicole who is kind enough to share her journey with us.
http://www.myjourneytothequeendom.blogspot.com/

Take Off Diverted

2007-10-15T15:36:00.001-05:00

I’m ready to confess I’ve been in a long holding pattern.

While in this place, I have read many books and spent hours thinking about what’s next for me and for the organization.

AND NOW FOR THE REST OF THE STORY…

I’ve found yet another Maria Nemeth’s book. The title is: "Mastering Life’s Energies: Simple Steps to a Luminous Life at Work and Play". BTW, I love her work so much I’m considering taking her training/certification classes starting early in 2008.

In the book she asks us, “Are you willing to live your life with clarity, focus, ease and grace?” Do I see a showing of hands? My hand is up. Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s my plan. For the most part, since writing my first book, I have created an easy life for myself.

Check off ease. But what about the other three?

Let’s take clarity—something I haven’t had for about nine months. Actually, I relate the “derailing” to my juror experience. If you are curious, click on the URL below:
That’s when the fog rolled in. Living in fog made me do some bad things (got to blame something or somebody besides me, right?). Being confused meant I made commitments I couldn’t keep. I found myself doing something I rarely did in the past. I broke promises. More times than not, what I thought was a new direction was a step off course. I corrected and adjusted, saying I'm sorry as I plodded along, but still I couldn’t ‘see’. Maria calls it “driving in the fog”.

I continued on anyway trusting something that Maria also says, “When you see clearly what is before you, you will know in your heart what to do.”

I stopped making promises. Obviously, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make commitments. When you are “driving in fog,” you can be misled by invitations that seem exciting, lucrative or safe simply because when fog sets in your intuitive abilities usually diminish. You go after things for “obvious” reasons and use logic to explain why you are doing something. Using this method gets you do crazy things like: fall for the “get-rich-quick” scheme, “take-the-full-time-position-because-at-least-you’ll-have-money-even-if-you-hate-it” job, or “you-are-crazy-not-to-do-this-because-you-will-miss-out-on-the-gravy-train” opportunity. While “driving in fog” you are more likely to make bad choices. Period. The End. If you are “driving in fog”, it’s time to cease and desist embarking on new endeavors until clarity returns.

How do you solve the “not-seeing-clearly” problem? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask. :) It took me months to overcome the recent storm. But this storm was different. This time I was not tortured by my old fears of the past like:
1. Can I make or create something?
2. What am I supposed to do with my life?
3. How will I earn enough to eat?

Those are issues, I have mastered and overcome. If you are still hanging around in that territory, it’s okay. You can learn to overcome too. Read my first book. I suggest my book because that’s how I turned my life around. I can only advise you from my own experience. The material I wrote about in the book changed my life. (http://www.allynevans.com/books.html).

Then check out other recommending reads (http://queenpower.com/recommended.html)
on our list. If you don't want to buy any of the books, that's okay. Ask your librarian to order them (if they are not in stock at your library). This ways others will benefit too and it doesn't cost you a dime.

Of course, you’ll need to add Maria’s latest book: "Mastering Life Energies" to the list.

BACK TO THE STORY…
This time, my visibility problems didn’t cause me troubles or sadness. Throughout, I felt content. On the other hand, I felt frustrated by my lack of clarity. I knew eventually the fog would lift. What did I do while waiting? I focused on “present moment” living. And in my spare time I read books. I searched for answers and teachers.
And one day the fog lifted. The day was September 21, 2007.

Now I need time to gather my thoughts because I’m about to be off and running! Hate to leave you hanging, but as you might have noticed...the fog just lifted a few days ago!

More later…

Royal blessings and reign on,

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/

Check out Nicole’s most recent blog about doing things that make you happy. http://www.myjourneytothequeendom.blogspot.com/.

P.S. If you want to check out my Amazon Short about my juror experience—you know the experience that kicked off the downward spiral—feel free to do so. They cost 49 cents. I’ve enjoyed reading some of the stories by other Amazon Short authors. It’s a wide offering of fiction and nonfiction. Plus you can’t beat the price!

Here’s the link, if you are interested. I’ve been told by reviewers that it is also a good lesson for parents and children.
http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-People-Perform-Unthinkable-Acts/dp/B000PAU32U/

Trouble at the Border

2007-10-12T18:49:00.002-05:00

TROUBLE AT THE BORDER (excerpted from July 2007 Ezine)

I'm beginning here to catch you up to date. This is about the new direction of my website and website community.

In Mastering Life's Energies, Maria Nemeth tells us about the difficulties one faces when “jumping from the metaphysical—the world of ideas—into the real-life world of the physical plane.” It’s those difficulties I now face. Like Maria, when she launched her pet project, I am faced with “decisions that aren’t inspiring at all.” I am getting bogged down in the details of creating a plan, putting the pieces together, finding investors, etc., etc. Maria told us, “When you begin to move an idea from the metaphysical realm into physical reality, you must cross the Border between those two very different worlds. And at the Border, the inspiration and fun of the original idea encounters the energy requirements of physical reality.” She continued to explain to us how traumatic this can be for us. “It’s like standing on the shore of a beach, enjoying the sunshine, and we’re suddenly hit by a solid wall of ice-cold water.”

And that’s where I find myself. Oh no, this isn’t bad news or a letter of impending doom. Instead it’s to say I’m sitting on the Border waiting for all the pieces to come together. Like Maria I understand that eventually things will happen—eventually all the fragmented pieces will come together and will liftoff. But I also understand that I must take action to make things happen. I'm not sitting around repeating mantras and hoping for the best.

Maria tells us, “A rocket burns most of its fuel during the first few moments of flight, as it overcomes inertia and the gravitational pull of earth. That’s what it’s like for us to launch our dreams into physical reality.”

Yes, soon all of this will come together and a rocket will launch. Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know when the time is right.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

How About a Little Fable Haven

2007-08-18T15:06:00.001-05:00

That's the name my daughter created for her new business venture. Yes, you heard right. My ten-year-old daughter has started a business.

Last month, I took my daughter to the bank (to set up a checking account and order checks) and then to Hastings Bookstore to launch her new business, which she is calling Fable Haven. If you have a Hastings in your community, I highly recommend helping your child start his or her business this way. The business provides an excellent opportunity to teach your children about managing money and financial transactions like tithing and saving.

Next on the agenda is to teach her about investing (once she accumulates enough money).

We do have a ways to go, though. Her first load of merchandise consisting of used books and a CD netted $3.97! The checks she ordered cost $5.00. The next load netted a bigger return and already she's up to over $100 in her account.

Here’s the plan. Addy will collect books from friends and family. Regularly, we’ll take the books to Hastings to sell. The books they refuse (we've learned they are a little on the picky side) we’ll donate to Friend’s of the Library at our local library. The proceeds from the business will be tithed, saved and used for Addy to buy her own collection of books, CDs, games and other nonessentials.

http://www.allynevans.com/
http://www.queenpower.com/

Miracle on 24th Street

2007-04-10T14:52:00.001-05:00

While in New York do as New Yorkers do.

What do New Yorkers do? They use their hallways to store valuable things. Their buildings are locked. They don’t have much room. What else is a New Yorker to do?

By New York standards my Midwestern home is huge! We have space. We have room. We have a place for everything. Not my sister. Not her New York neighbors. Not her friends.

“It will be okay. We’ll have your bags out in the hall until you go to the hotel.” There were five of us visiting. Two would stay at Jennifer’s. The other three would be heading to the hotel after dinner.

While watching my bag being dragged out into the hallway, I fretted. “Are you sure it’s okay?” I said to my aunt. She had lived in New York before. Her suitcase was placed in the hall too. She seemed fine with it. I decided to be fine too.

We ordered take out. Our delivery boy arrived. Jennifer’s dog didn’t like him. We had to hold him back so Jennifer could pay and collect the food.

We closed the door and continued our merriment. While the others prepared the food, I visited with my twelve-year-old niece. Her gums were hurting. She had braces. The metal rubbed her gums.

I expected it to be noisy in New York. “I have wax ear plugs I haven’t used yet. We could take a pinch of the wax. I bet that would solve your problems.”

“Okay,” she said.

“I’ll get them. They are in my suitcase.”

I opened the door and looked out into the hallway. I didn’t see the bags. At first I didn’t understand. “Jennifer,” I turned back to the apartment, “where are the bags?”

“In the hall.”

“No they are not.”

“What?”

Jennifer and I stood in the hallway. We looked again. Our bags were gone.

I didn’t handle it well. I tried to be okay. But I couldn’t. I had my favorite clothes, shoes and accessories packed for my week in New York. “I don’t care that I have to wear the same outfit everyday all day, it’s what I’ve lost,” I said. “How will I re-coop all of it? I can’t. The reality is, I can’t.” Mentally, I listed every item in my bag. My aunt’s suitcase was missing too. She flipped out about her jewelry.

Jennifer, my newly converted New Yorker, took it like a pro. She was concerned. She was worried. She was MAD! She called the restaurant and demanded the delivery boy return our suitcases. “He is the only person that’s been in our building. I know it’s him. I will call the police. Something must be done. We want the bags returned. We will not ask questions.”

She put on her coat and stormed out the house. She prepared to do battle. She prepared to win. And I should never have doubted.

I used foul language. I tried to get over it. I couldn’t it.

Then we heard a strange buzzing noise. My niece said, “I think it’s coming from the wall. I think it’s the buzzer.” She hit the button and we heard the main door open. My niece ran towards the top of the stairway. “It’s him. He has your bags! It’s him!”

He told us he thought we’d left out trash. We didn’t care. As promised, we didn’t ask questions. We thanked him and took our bags. We called our fearless warrior back and gave her the good news.

“It’s all there,” I said.

“So is my jewelry,” my aunt added.

I stopped swearing. Life was good. We continued our merriment.

Miracles do happen...even on 24th Street.

www.allynevans.com
www.queenpower.com
www.talkingallthingswrite.com

How May I Serve

2007-04-04T16:00:00.001-05:00

New York City. What a fun trip. I had been visiting my sister. My aunt, cousin, niece and another sister joined me.

And then it was almost time to leave. My NYC based sister insisted that I have a massage. "She's really good. It will energize you for the trip. I will not take no for an answer."

"Okay," I agreed even though the idea of having a massage didn't appeal to me.

For some reason I couldn't relax. Frankly, I had been a little on edge throughout the week. Let's just say being in Oklahoma, especially rural Oklahoma, feels a lot safer than walking down a New York sidewalk. I felt more like a warrior and well, let's be honest here, warriors don't get massages.

Massage Lady showed up. The room was prepared and I tried my best to be ready.

NOT.

No matter what I did, I couldn't relax. I wanted the massage to be over and I wanted to go home. About fifteen minutes in, I decided to try another tactic. I decided to focus on something else.

"What," I wondered?

I can't explain it. But I started doing something no warrior would ever do. Or, would She? I started repeating two phrases: "Thy will be done." And, "How may I serve." For forty-five minutes I repeated these phrases.

At the La Guardia airport, I got my marching orders.

The first thing I did upon arrival was to change seats. I had been assigned a middle seat. I wanted to sleep. I wanted a window seat.

"The only one left is all the way in the back," she said, "is that okay?"

I had a three-hour layover in Chicago. "Yes, I'll take it."

The back rows loaded first. Soon my seatmates joined me. They were the non-English speaking Chinese couple I had spotted in the waiting area. We nodded greetings.

After taking off, they asked me where I was going. "Oklahoma City," I said.

"We too," they said. "We too!"

I didn't believe them. They misunderstood me. It was unlikely the only people traveling to Oklahoma City from New York would be seated in the same row. I asked more questions. Slowly enunciating each word, I discovered the man could understand me. He nodded his head and showed me his ticket. Turns out they were going to Oklahoma City to work in a restaurant--he as a chef and she as a waitress.

About halfway to Chicago, I realized my prayers had been answered. Here sitting right next to me was my, "How may I serve" gift.

The two shared their food, gave me candy for my daughter, took pictures of me in Chicago, and made me smile throughout the trip. On the Chicago to Kansas City leg of the flight, they wore white facial masks with holes for their noses, eyes and mouths. I loved watching the expressions of fellow passengers as they tried to figure out what they were wearing.

Before our trip together ended, I showed them how to NOT get a C boarding pass (if you've ever flown Southwest Airlines you know how critical that is on a FULL flight) and helped them not spend hours looking for the International gate they so persistently wanted to find.

When it was time to say goodbye, the woman gave me a beautiful necklace and matching set of earrings. Before going to the ladies room, I made sure they headed out the right door to meet their driver.

As I headed out to the parking garage, I saw my new friends riding up the escalator to the departure level. I waved them down and again pointed to the doors they needed to use. We bid farewell for a second time.

I walked to the parking garage. It didn't take me long to realize I was walking around in circles. Lost, I stopped to ask someone a question. And then I saw my friends again. They were riding up the escalator in the parking garage.

"No. No," I told them. "Come here. I will show you." I decided I needed to escort them to the spot. And I did. We said our final goodbyes.

I think about them often. My prayer. How my prayer was answered. I also wonder if they are happy. There's a part of me that wonders if they made it! I believe they did. The next time I visit the city, which will be in early May or late April (if I'm lucky), I plan to visit them. Guess what I'll be wearing?

Since that experience, though, I haven't been able to drop my new prayer. I am fantastinated by it and now, always looking for my lastest assignment. My newest is a radio show for mothers and daughters called The Mother Daughter Club. I'll share more about it later.

I don't know about you, but I look forward to waking up in the morning to see what's next.

www.allynevans.com
www.queenpower.com
www.talkingallthingswrite.com
www.audiodivas.com

She-Ra

2007-03-07T16:50:00.001-06:00

First things first, New York City here I come. I'm sure the trip will generate plenty of blogging material!

Today, I'm going to post something a good friend wrote after reading my book. Thanks to Kathe Gogolewski for giving me permission to reprint here and thanks for the plug!

She-Ra Lives

I'm reading a book by Allyn Evans called Grab the Queen Power: Live Your Best Life. The topic and tone of the book took me back to a Halloween experience a couple of months ago. Evans talks about the role of women - both the old role and an emerging one that many women are embracing. Memories of my own girlhood came flooding back. I also remembered my own daughter's struggle to reconcile the contradictions around being a girl in a changing society. And I thought of last Halloween.

I had just stepped into an elevator at a medical center in La Jolla with my husband, Ray. Just before the doors closed, a hand shot out to catch it, and a lovely young woman stepped inside. She was wearing a helmet and carrying a shield and sword that I recognized, though I hadn't seen that costume in almost twenty years.

"You're She-Ra," I told her in amazement.
She turned to me, looking surprised. "You know her?" she asked.

"Yes! My daughter's kindergarten Halloween costume was She-Ra, Princess of Power!"

Her look of consternation increased. "It was my costume in first grade," she said. "And my favorite. But, no one knows her anymore." I thought I noticed a tinge of sadness in her voice. "I never forgot She-Ra, though." She smiled.

"Neither did my daughter," I told her. "She's 25 now, but the spirit of She-Ra is still with her."

I saw this young woman's shoulders slump (like she was melting), and she said "I'm 25." And I think that we understood a lot between each other at that moment. She hugged me and I told her she was a "soul daughter." Then, the elevator doors opened and she walked out, waving. I never learned her name.

Why such emotion over a twenty second interchange? The She-Ra phenom from Mattel didn't make it long-term, only two years before it faded away, but it was a dynamic messsage for girls while it lasted. I haven't seen anything quite like it since: A woman of power - independent with supra-natural capapbilities...equal in status and power to He-Man, her male counterpart. For those girls (and women) that heard the message, the ending of the show was a cause for grief - a grief that my elevator soul daughter and I understood. I wonder if there's a new generation that is ready for She-Ra, or a contemporary counterpart. That'd be nice.

I'm not advocating that every woman become a Princess of Power. Some women aren't interested. And choices are cool, I say, so be whatever makes you happy. Hey, I love strawberry ice cream, but if chocolate works for you instead, who am I to object?

I highly recommend Allyn Evan's book. It's great for women (and men who wish to understand) who would like to take a closer, more personal look at their cultural position in our society.

By Kathe Gogolewski
Author of Tato and other books
Look for Kathe's short stories on Amazon.com
www.tri-studio.com
www.audiodivas.com

Thanks, Kathe!:) She-Ra Power to you.

Who Needs Enemies?

2007-02-27T16:48:00.001-06:00

I recently said some nasty things to a very dear friend. I knew she'd take it hard. She always does, but I couldn't stop myself. When I saw her, I unleashed. "What is your problem? Stupid. Stupid. What is wrong with you? Why did you say that?" As I think back over it, I didn't say one kind word. Not one. What's worst, is that I kept after her for days. I couldn't let it go. I have yet to apologize either.

The dear friend was me.

About five years ago, I read an article challenging me to pay attention to my negative self chatter. I took the challenge not expecting to find much. Talk about a major wake up call. The self-abusive prattle was nonstop. I said terrible things to myself all day long and not only that I believed them.

On the day I made this discovery, I pledged to change my inner dialogue. For the most part I have. There are still times I find Her hammering away at me. But I notice now and counter with new thoughts I have created to replace the "self-hate" talk. If you want to transform your life, begin with your inner dialogue.

www.allynevans.com
www.queenpower.com